Considering saying no presents for son's birthday

[WobblyWellies]

I know this has been talked about before on mumsnet but I'm still interested to know people's thoughts. My son will be having a birthday party for his 4th birthday next month. I've invited about 14 children. I would like to say to everyone, please don't worry about presents but I don't know how to say it. Ds will get gifts for us and other family members so he doesn't need anymore. I just don't want anyone to feel awkward or obliged to bring a present in this current economic climate when many people are feeling the pinch one way or another. My son is not going to know or care. I know that he'll just love having other children there to play and celebrate with.

So is it OK to say no presents?

Love this

I tried this for one of my children’s 4th bday and about 50% of attendees still brought gifts which made the others who didn’t feel bad. I want to try and do it again but will take a previous poster’s approach of being more explicit about it to avoid the situation where some still bring gifts.

We have a large extended family so our children already receive lots of gifts from grandparents, aunties and uncles, great aunties and great uncles, friends of grandparents and close family friends on their birthday. With even a small party added to the mix, the amount of gifts is wasteful and overwhelms our small house which is already drowning in clutter.

I have already implemented the no large toys rule for family and close friends (I.e. play kitchens, ride ons and large instruments), and that any large toys stay at the givers house to be played with when our children visit. This has worked well.

But given the cost of living crisis, and our small living space, I would like to end the expectation of gifts at my children’s parties. My children wouldn’t miss out (they would be having a party already which is a huge treat and not something every child has), and they would still have plenty of presents to open from us and family. This shouldn’t be seen as virtue signalling but practical. As someone who grew up poor, I can’t believe the excess my own children and others are growing up with- it’s unnecessary and actually makes them appreciate their toys less.

Then that’s a great opportunity to treat him about gratitude. God some people are acting like OP is suggesting banning all presents this child will ever receive and putting a lump of coal in his Christmas stocking as his treat to teach him about the fuel crisis this year.

OP’s child will still get presents from them and wider family presumably. If a child is stropping about not getting even more presents after a lovely party, then I would suggest that they are a bit spoilt, and the change in expectation will do them a lot of good in the long run.

Exactly we live in such a materialistic society. I would rather they made a donation. What they don't want is a cheap of presents they don't need.

By all means say no presents. But that's about you not needing clutter and plastic tat- again, fine. The food bank donation was really annoy me. As a guest I'd feel forced into spending on something I haven't chosen (food) as opposed to a small toy or chocolate for the birthday child which gives the child joy as well as the giver.

• it's not about food banks per say, we give financially regularly, generously and thoughtfully. I hate being manipulated or emotionally blackmailed into showy to Ken giving though.

But that's about you not needing clutter and plastic tat- again, fine.

As opposed to the kids who need plastic tat and clutter? Most children in this country have plenty. The fact the child in question has a party in addition to presents from family already makes them privileged. I would say it’s also about the child- most are drowning in excess and have little concept of delayed gratification and moderation. As a parent - I would love if other parents started taking this approach too, especially during the class party years.

Why stop at presents? Why not donate the birthday snacks and cake to a foodbank? Let's teach the little blighters not to expect cake and snacks? Gruel would be perfectly acceptable, so Birthday and co can realise never to take birthday cake for granted ?

Best gift my DD got when she was 6 was a single bag of jelly babies. She is still bff with the girl, whose mum told me that was the present her DD insisted on giving and refused to buy or bring anything else! Apparently this is all my DD had said she wanted at school.

I would say on the invite, "dc will be happy with a birthday card but if your DC would like to bring a gift too, a little one is plenty.

Also do NOT then go overboard on the party bags, nothing worse than the party bag being more impressive than the gifts received from the guests!

There was a previous thread in this with lots of good ideas OP.

AIBU to have a no gift policy for my DC's third birthday? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4564240-aibu-to-have-a-no-gift-policy-for-my-dcs-third-birthday

The family of my DDs boyfriend (both early 20s) don't give Christmas presents, they just give to charities. I still give him something small though, usually a book, as it feels odd not to. But we live in such a materialistic world with so much waste, I really applaud taking steps to break the cycle at an early age.

He's 4. Just let him enjoy his birthday. If people don't want to / can't buy presents then they won't. On your birthday you can tell everyone to make charity donations on your behalf or whatever. Let him have his day.

As a parent I would be over the moon if it said no gifts! It's better for the environment and on my finances. It won't harm the child to have fewer presents.

I clearly remember the previous thread and genuinely despaired at the mindless materialistic consumerism that appears to be instilled in the majority.

I guess I am very lucky - my kids don't care about gifts. We did not have a no gift policy for DD's birthday because it was joint with other children and the gifts sat there untouched and in full view for ages. There were a couple she loved and we still play with, the rest have been donated.

Donating gifts isn't the answer imo as the stuff that is not needed is still being produced. I also don't need the burden of offloading them. Personally am not keen on the foodbank idea either, it feels a bit like trying to imply you are better than others (maybe that's just me)

It is our responsibility to teach our children that birthdays do not revolve around presents. This will only change if we start somewhere and I live in hope that it eventually goes on to become the norm not to have piles of presents for the sake of it

I have done presents for 2nd and 3rd birthday, and not done party bags. No one brought a gift, kids still had lots of fun and got presents from family. I jump for joy when I see No Presents on an invite, esp now everything is so expensive!

I really don’t think it’s fair to refuse presents on behalf of your DC. Fine to do it to your own birthday but I think it’s really mean to do it to a small child.

I think the charity donation idea is worse than no presents at all. It feels like virtue signalling.

I wouldn’t even mention it, let people come and enjoy the party, it’s up to them to decide whether they want to bring a present or not. It’s your DS birthday, you say he won’t notice or care about presents. But he might, especially when he is invited to parties and takes a gift, might he not wonder why he didn’t receive any. I honestly wouldn’t complicate it.

To me if an invite says no gifts I would take that to mean you're fishing for cash instead.

I would roll my eyes so hard at that.

It's utter BS. No child ever preferred a drawing 'to brighten their bedroom' 🤮 to getting a present.
Instead Mum decides to be all right-on & convinces small child of this.

I'd also have hated this as at least two of my DC would have run a mile from drawing any kind of picture.

If people don’t want to or cant afford to buy presents, they won’t come to the party- maybe you don’t live in the UK but no one attends a child’s party here empty handed. I’d rather people came because I’d said no gifts than stay away because they can’t afford the mandatory gift.

If the invite stated don't feel obliged to bring a present, I would still bring a present.

If the invite said, please don't feel obliged to bring a present but donations to the food bank would be appreciated, I would feel obliged to bring a present and a food donation.

It's all in the wording, 'please don't feel obliged' or 'don't worry about bringing a present' implies it's my choice not that they don't want a gift!

Personally, I would hate to turn up empty handed to any birthday party, however if the host puts, 'no presents' then of course, I would honour their wishes.

I can imagine 20 years later a woman complaining on a board like this that her DH either....

Spoils his kids, turns them into brats because he never got presents when a child so overcompensates and gives them whatever they want.

Thinks the same way as OP, is tight and doesn't allow his kids to have gifts on their birthday.

🥺🥺

Love this idea

There will be plenty of opportunities to teach a child about gratitude, it doesn't have to be a 4 year olds birthday though! It doesn't sound like the child in question is spoilt anyway but they might well be sad or confused. They're only 4

Of course he'll notice! He's four, he's not stupid 🤣

Honestly - if you want to virtue signal, do it on your own birthday, not his.

"My son is not going to know or care"

Is this your first 4 year old? He will notice when he takes a present for his friend and realises nobody brought him a gift. Do a foodbank collection for your birthday if you really must but don't do your child out of presents on his birthday.

I think you are completely unreasonable to deny your child presents from his friends as well as deny his guests the fun of picking and handing over presents.
It’s his birthday, not yours. If you want to request people give donations instead of presents for your birthday then go for it.

I bet the people supporting this are the type who give donations instead of presents to other people too for birthdays and then thinks they are wonderful for giving to charity not understanding they are giving away other people’s things rather than their own.