Considering saying no presents for son's birthday

[WobblyWellies]

I know this has been talked about before on mumsnet but I'm still interested to know people's thoughts. My son will be having a birthday party for his 4th birthday next month. I've invited about 14 children. I would like to say to everyone, please don't worry about presents but I don't know how to say it. Ds will get gifts for us and other family members so he doesn't need anymore. I just don't want anyone to feel awkward or obliged to bring a present in this current economic climate when many people are feeling the pinch one way or another. My son is not going to know or care. I know that he'll just love having other children there to play and celebrate with.

So is it OK to say no presents?

Ugh I'm sorry this just sounds so try hard. By all means let people know you aren't bothered about gifts but a lot of people like to give them

Birthdays mean presents when you are a child. I don't think people donating a bag of pasta on their behalf will bring them quite the same joy.

Food bank idea is about the adult not the child.
Donate to the food bank if you want to but it's not something a four year old would suggest or understand on their birthday.

On the invite just put no presents please. Your presence is all *Alfie needs.

I agree. And you come across as look at me trying to be so much better than everyone. He's 4, he will know there's presents. What 4yo doesn't?

“Most 4 year olds know there's presents and watching my DGC open theirs was lovely.
At that age they're thrilled with everything they get.”

Not if they’re brought up to not expect it.

Yanbu. I did this for my DD's whole class party.
Donations to a children's charity are also a nice idea.

I think it's terrible idea. Your poor DS - why can't he have a party & get presents?

By all means donate to a food bank - don't use your DS's birthday to do so tho.

Or you could say pre-loved presents: like they give one of their toy or a book from a charity shop!

My DD was invited to a party recently and the mum on the invite included - please don’t worry about brining a gift Xxxx would really love a lovely picture drawn by you DC to brighten up her room instead’

it was really sweet and my DD spend ages colouring a beautiful picture for her and on the back wrote ‘thank you for being a lovely friend’ 🤩. So it was an opportunity to bring something thoughtful from our DD at zero cost. Maybe that is an option- people like to bring something?

I think there will be MN kids in years to come bemoaning the fact they weren't allowed presents at their parties.

This is not a great idea! It's a fourth birthday party not a charity fundraiser.

YABU. Of course your son will care! In any case, it's up to the guests to decide if they want to bring a present, and rude of you either to presume they will bring a present or to dictate what it is.

Isnt it all part of the fun tho? I had birthday parties when I was younger, absolutely loved opening my presents after the party. My little girl and boy are exactly the same.

Is it not part of growing up? A childhood memory? Learning the skill of graciously accepting a gift? The love of actually choosing a giving a gift?

Do we have to drag the children into this new holy hell of cost of living? Could we not put a secret Santa style £5 maximum limit on presents instead of almost guilt tripping the little ones into not wanting party gifts?

I wouldn't. And I'm speaking as someone who works with children. Guaranteed you'll have kids kicking off left, right and centre when they see another kid take their toy ... even if they had previously agreed to part with it

Indeed. You could give up some of your own fun for a month (e.g. give up wine, takeaways or beauty products) and donate the money saved to a food bank instead. If not, why not?

Imagine an adult birthday party where all the guests turned up empty handed. The outrage about the rudeness would keep AIBU going for a week.

Absolutely

its your sons birthday not yours

I completely agree with you OP and have considered doing this myself. Until I realised that alllll the other kids who invite my child, Most likely will expect presents so my DD could then think hang on, I didn't get any presents at my last party?
So I think 'Nothing over £5 please' or even £3? That way you're lowering the cost to the parent and receiving smaller gifts to have to add to the pile!

Lots of people have a stash of kids gifts (i buy bits when I see a good special offer). If you start dictating that you want food bank donations or hand drawn pictures instead you’re asking people to spend time or money on something else instead

Also it’s crazy to think a 4yo won’t notice an absence of presents - they will question why they took a present to their friends’ parties but no-one brought one to theirs. Not to say you can’t explain it but you will need to explain it.

I’d suggest adding a note to invites that says “No need to bring a gift” and take a large bag to the party where you can discretely put any gift that are given to avoid any awkwardness.

I might say a limit and say he loves bubbles and play doh? Or something similar so he gets things he likes but that aren’t expensive.

I do this, but you do need to be kind of explicit.

I sent out a message to everyone explaining that "we don't have space for loads of gifts, some visitors may be worried about money this year, and if some people give gifts while others don't, this will create embarassment. So we do have to ask everyone to please not give gifts, so that everyone can just relax and enjoy the party." I added that if people want to bring a food or drink item to share at the party, they're very welcome, and that there's no need to bring anything expensive. It actually started a trend among my friends, I think, as I have noticed more and more others doing the same over the years,

If you just kind of mumble "Oh, no need to bring presents," most people will still bring one, and those who didn't will be mortified.

But I'd really welcome being told gifts were optional.
God, no! This will create confusion and embarassment left right and center. If you want no gifts, you need to be clear that it's no gifts across the board.

I'm fed up with people sucking the joy out of everything!
The problem is that not everyone has a big house with a loft and all that. I have a modest flat and my office is a corner of the living/dining room. We have to be really careful about accumulating stuff. Clutter makes me feel ill, and it's harder for me to be a happy and patient parent if I'm constantly having to waste my time decluttering and sorting and organizing and throwing away piles and piles of toys and plastic. I've learned from experience that it's better to set boundaries firmly and be a happy parent, rather than put up with things I resent and be a resentful, put-upon parent. My kids have enough toys (trust me), and I also have the right to feel comfortable in my home.

So I think 'Nothing over £5 please' or even £3?

This just sounds crass, like you’ll be assessing the value of the gift - don’t do this.

Of course decisions made by parents are about the parents' wants - giving the kid a party in the first place is the parents' want. The way you do things is your wants.

It is fine to say no presents. The kid is having a great party and gifts from others. There are multiple ways to make kids happy.