Businessmen train wankers

[HandbagsnGladrags]

AIBU to think that if you're on a train going out of London and you know there's like a billion tunnels and zero phone signal, you don't sit there on the phone like a self important wanker ringing everyone in your contacts and saying 'have I lost you again'.....'yah, been in London with clients'.....'hello, can you hear me? on repeat for the entire frickin journey?

Also, angry typer and crisp cruncher can also fuck off.

Now where did I put my airpods?

My favourite business train wanker story. I got on a train for work really needed a table to get some work done. Get on a pretty empty carriage. There was a table with a VIP Business train wanker on it, laptop open, papers spread out.

Now, i was pregnant at the time, not visibly so, but i needed to be facing the direction of travel or there would be boak.

So i sit at the table opposite VI Business Train Wanker. He huffs and puffs and eventually says "did you really need to sit there with so many other seats available?"

My female conditioning almost kicked in and i very nearly launched into an explanation of my decision. But managed to stop myself and instead said "No i didnt have to, but i wanted to" and got myself comfy.

He very huffily moved to another table, that became free at the next stop, only to be swiftly joined by a very loud performance mum and her three kids.
I caught his eye and raised my costa coffee at him.

Slightly off topic but my husband was sat in his office listening to Desert Island Discs on his AirPods. Apparently he was very much enjoying Claire Balding's selections. The rest of the office let him get to the end of the theme tune to Black Beauty before they told him his headphones weren't connected. Not good for the street cred.

A similar thing happened on the train recently. Enough sideways looks and he eventually twigged and apologised. I'll spare him train wanker status as an effort was made to use headphones.

I agree there's a female train wanker too. One woman was having a performative speaker phone conversation with her client so loudly that I could hear the client's responses very clearly five rows away. She worked in my industry and was discussing various conversations with the FCA that should have been confidential. After 15 minutes, I asked if she'd mind turning down the volume and she looked at me as if I was mad.

This cheered me up no end!
Wonderful!⭐️

Loving the Bob Mortimer train guy love here 😁

Yep I've definitely encountered female train wankers too. There was one on last trip to London where she was speaking to what sounded like her assistant like she was a piece of shit on her shoe.

Cannot stand the type. In my brief I used the train to commute or if I was going to another site via train I would crack the laptop open and work but wouldn’t take or make calls. Put phone on silent and if I got a notification would just email them back saying sorry on train poor signal will call on my arrival.

I've had an f'ing manspreading newspaper reader rest his newspaper on my HEAD on the tube once before (I am short). The RAGE I felt!

The thing I can't bear though is when you sit and try and take up your space which means your leg or your arm which is trying to take up its rightful share of the armrest is then touching theirs. My DH once said to me why don't you just do that and force their leg over etc - maybe he doesn't mind as a man, as a woman I absolutely loathe it when I'm sitting next to a strange man on the train and can feel their leg or arm (I mean through clothing obviously) touching mine - yuk, such an invasion of my personal space.

My boss has done this several times in the office - conducted whole zoom meetings thinking he's on his headset but it's not actually connected and the call is just coming out of the computer speakers.....he tried though to be fair....

when did a PowerPoint presentation become a "slide deck"

A very long time ago, before PowerPoint or even PCs existed, important presentations were converted into 35mm transparencies - 'slides'. These were then displayed at a meeting using a projector. The presenter either had a remote control or asked the person running the projector "Next slide please" as required,

I always like the story of the woman who dealt with manspreaders by telling them that she was a doctor and they needed to seek medical help immediately, because if their balls needed that much space there was something seriously wrong.

I think the women are just as bad on their phones with the over the top laugh when whatever they are laughing at is blatantly not funny.

And don't get me started on the pointed court shoes that sound cheap and tacky as the heel needed replacing months ago and the leather on the heal is all peeling away.

I remember before everyone had mobiles some twat on the train from Manchester to London organising his stocks and shares at the top of his voice for 2 1/2 hours.

Wanker. Reader, l wanted to kill him.

@hop321 DH once did that on the train.

He must have already been annoying as he had a huge, work issued MacBook with a fan that sounded like an airplane landing and took up most of the table.

Then he started watching The Quiet Place with his headphones on.

Apparently he spent about 20 minute thinking the title was very apt and wondering if the whole film had no dialogue before realising he hadn't plugged his enormous headphones in and everyone could hear it apart from him!

He was very embarrassed but no one had mentioned it in a very British way, probably while secretly hating him.

The worst one I ever had was a female passenger on the journey out from London. Not sure if she was an MP or something, she sounded like one, but she spent the whole journey loudly dictating letters into her phone to what sounded like some poor quality transcription service because she had to say every sentence at least three times.

He must have already been annoying as he had a huge, work issued MacBook with a fan that sounded like an airplane landing and took up most of the table.

Brilliant. The thing with malfunctioning headphones is that it muffles the sound so you have to turn up the speaker volume to a public broadcast volume to hear it...

But at least there's an effort to be public spirited so it's forgivable. I also think it may possibly be a male thing as I always pull out an earphone to check it's not audible at the beginning,

Everyone has airpods!!

This only serves to indicate that there are a lot of wankers.

The irony of those talking about having important jobs referring to others as being self important. Who gets to decide who is and isn't important in an organisation?

I'm sorry but this was way too funny. The cheek of that man but the image I have is ridiculous.

There's a difference between having an important job and just getting on with it, and acting like a self important wanker on a train.

@hop321 I think he was generally ok and only did the table laptop pissing contest with other businessy types.

He must have seemed like a safe option as a woman chose him as a seat partner every week on the train to London.

He'd get on an empty train here at 6am and fall asleep and then wake up in London with the same people on his table each time, and his train buddy next to him, sometimes asleep on his shoulder.

He said they never once acknowledged each other in the whole year this was going on.

As I said, what do you class as an important job? Sounds quite arrogant to me.

I guess I meant I'm relatively senior. But you seem determined to have a go at me so, whatever...

It was a woman for me too on the journey back from London. Older woman on her laptop, sat in front of me, she had a bag full of things on one side of the foot area and her own feet slightly stretched out on the other side. It took me an hour to realise I had my legs tucked under my seat and was feeling so uncomfortable so I moved them forward and she stared at me and then told me that she was wearing sandals so could I please move my feet! I said I'm sorry no, because I have nowhere to put them, if you moved your bag out of the way we'd both have room. She said she couldn't move her bag because she 'needed' it. So I just left my feet there and she then (after mumbling and tutting) rearranged herself.
I do hate public transport sometimes !

@HandbagsnGladrags and any other interested readers you need to check out Bob Mortimers series of videos characterising the businessman having inane jargon-packed conversations publicly on the train, available on his instagram. Hilarious. Good example here:
www.instagram.com/p/B9EjSHgnx7m/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Follow them from the start and there is a loose story where he actually meets THE Jeff Linton