To ask do you see your DC as an achievement?

[cadburyegg]

One of my friends said she didn't consider people having babies as an achievement because most people can do it and it's an insult to those who can't have children.

I'm not sure I consider having DC as an "achievement" as such but I have put work in and made sacrifices to raise them of course. So I wasn't sure what to think about this statement.

What do you think?

Am I an underachiever because I haven't run a marathon? Was my father an underachiever because he didn't have a degree? Is my child an underachiever because they never sang a solo in a concert? Is my mother an underachiever because she hasn't climbed a mountain?

One person's achievement (something tha requires effort, skill or courage) does not reflect badly on those that haven't done that thing. We all have varied achievements and that's OK. Someone who doesn't have children will have other achievement that may not have been possible if they'd had to care for children, does that mean those of us with children are underachievers?

No, I don’t see having children or parenting them as my achievement. It’s my duty as this was something I chose. I am immensely proud of how they are turning out but we all mostly chose this road and to do parenting well is something we are obliged to do

No, my children are not an achievement, but how I’ve parented them for the past six years since DH died feels like an achievement at least some of the time. It also sometimes feels like an utter shambles, and a bloody disaster 🤣

One of my DC is thriving at the moment, and the other is struggling. This does not mean that I am ‘failing’ with one and ‘achieving’ with another, it means that one of them currently needs more support, which I freely give.

I do wonder about this attitude that only if things are exceptional can people be proud. I think we should all be proud of doing the regular stuff we do in our lives. I think being good enough is pretty brilliant actually. I don't mean posting on social media about how amazing you are to have cooked tea, but just inside to feel like you did a decent job today. Maybe there are different levels of pride? Undoubtedly adopting four children is exceptional, but would we say that it is not an appropriate source of pride to do a steady job just because the CEO does an amazing job?

Doing ones best to have a healthy pregnancy is worthwhile, and delivering a new life IS an achievement.
Nurturing and raising a child IS an achievement.
When the child you nurtured becomes an independent adult , that's an achievement too.

All three stages take effort, focus, work. Not everybody can do it well, but most parents do their best.

Its insulting for anyone without children to pretend otherwise.

Also how much more would they be struggling without your support?

I have a friend whose child is really really struggling right now and I honestly think without their parent they may not be here at all.

Not the actual having them, no.

But the fabulous young people they are? Absolutely I see it as an achievement to have raised bloody lovely kids. Maybe it was luck but I like to think I had some influence!

I agree with the pp, raising a child to the best of your ability is an achievement. I can be proud about how I raised my children and the decisions I made without claiming ownership of their own achievements. I'm not sure what being childless or child free has to do with any of it?

I’ve a complicated relationship with this as I can’t have kids so I do know how it can actually be an achievement to do it. I was abused and raised by addicts so I also know that it is hard work and an achievement to raise kids to feel safe, happy and loved. So it is an achievement in my eyes and I’m not offended by that.

It only upsets me when it’s seen as the only, or most important, achievement for a woman. I think there are other things that aren’t recognised by society as much as motherhood and that makes me feel like a loser, a lot of the time, despite my being objectively quite good professionally and in hobbies.

I have moments when i feel a sense of achievement. I have one with considerable disabilities and in the past year I have propped him up so he can actually get through and in some cases thrive at a mainstream school. he is kind empathetic and is starting to really manage well. I have also taught him how to swim after now 7 years of weekly (barring covid) lessons of sitting in the pool with him. He can now swim a few strokes with a noodle.

I also feel an immense sense of achievement that with my younger child who is usually in the shadow of his brother due to his brother's needs that I have managed to parent him according to his own individual needs and have focused on ensuring that he is not 'lost' in the focus on his brother.

It's been bloody hard and I am getting better and better at it every single day.

I class these things as considerable achievements.,

I see the well rounded, popular, kind and thoroughly decent young women my DD have become and yes, I am proud of that achievement. Raising children is not an easy job, if you're going to try and do it well. Behaviour, eating the right food, being kind to others etc all takes sustained effort from the parent(s).

I don’t consider DS an achievement but I consider being a good parent an achievement. I had an abusive childhood and have been diagnosed with CPTSD and a secondary anxiety disorder. Maintaining my mental health and breaking the cycle of abuse is a massive achievement.

I don't see it as an achievement, but that I have achieved something. Can't think of the words to properly explain it 🤦‍♀️ it's like, I had a dream/goal to have children, and I achieved that, but they're not an achievement in terms of they're not things to be won. Hope that makes sense 😂

I accompanied my autistic adult DD, 24 who also has LDs, to her dental hospital appointment (clicky jaw etc) and the dentist told me well done for how good her teeth are. I've had two children with SN and was widowed when they were young. All three of my children have done well, two went to SEN school. I've guided and helped them. I've battled with teeth brushing and diet thanks to their SN. They all work full time and are self sufficient. It's taken a lot for two of them to reach independence so I do fell a sense of pride and achievement. I raised them on minimum wage but luckily with DLA and in a deprived, high unemployment area.

I should have added that my upbringing was highly abusive, so I have also broken the cycle.

Having them felt like a huge achievement due to fertility issues, but really we got lucky.

Raising them, I feel proud of them, but I feel a lot of it is down to them as individuals.

Raising my child is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I found it really difficult especially the first few weeks and months. The long nights, the sleep deprivation.

Even now the regular tantrums and arguments.

I do see it as an achievement that I've lasted this long and got so far, and it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

So for me it is an achievement.

Yes. It's not that the children themselves are an 'achievement' but the huge amount of effort that most parents put in everyday to make sure their children are safe, loved, cared for and brought up to be considerate of others is definitely an achievement.

As the sort of person who would manage to kill a cactus pre-DC, I look at my DC sometimes and I do feel proud that I've managed to keep DC alive, fed and for the most part not neglected for almost 5 years. I'm naturally a fairly selfish person so always putting DC's needs first has sometimes been a struggle when I'm exhausted and fed up.

The act of getting pregnant and having a child isn't an achievement. I was 18 when I had DC and people certainly didn't think it was, maybe if I was married middle class in my 30s people would have said it was an achievement.

Having a child isn’t inherently an achievement but people should really think twice about these “Getting pregnant/having a baby is easy!” comments- because my first instinct is to go “Yeah maybe for YOU”.

I felt it was a personal achievement that my janky uterus managed to carry a baby to term, but I don’t feel like the act of procreation is an achievement itself.

It’s wildly inaccurate.
Society hinges on raising successive generations of capable people.

No.
I think I’m a good mum and I’m proud of that.
I think my DCs are great and I’m proud of them.
But I don’t associate either of those things with the concept of achievement.

I make a lot of effort to parent them well, so yes.

Why does what other people feel they have achieved negate someone else's?

Every single thing I have done in my life is an achievement. Every single thing you have done in your life is an achievement. It doesn't matter that we see our achievements differently, or that you have achieved in sport and I have achieved in something else, it doesn't mean we are failures.

Personally I think society's biggest failure is the inability to accept that we are all different, all achieve different things, and not achieving everything doesn't mean we have failed.

I think because having children is fundamentally different from running a marathon, getting a degree or any of the other things mentioned in this thread. Society sees it as a woman’s prime purpose and ultimate fulfilment.