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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

443 replies

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:13

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

OP posts:
OakPine · 03/09/2022 09:55

Inheritance of the family house is such an emotive subject. Imagine instead that you had whatever it is £500k, £3m in the bank which you had inherited from your late wife. Would you give it all to your eldest, or would you split with the youngest.
Your step daughter whom you lived with for 3 years when she was a toddler? God knows what you should leave her. Depends if you want your children to have a relationship with each other when older. Can't imagine older son having inherited £3m, step daughter nothing and her little brother a significant chunk of your estate on death.
It really all depends on whether the house is your main asset. Only you can work that out. If the house is worth £1m and you have other assets of £5m, then that's a very different story than if the house is worth £1m and you have £50k in other assets.

GeekyThings · 03/09/2022 10:12

Having read all your updates I'd say your will is fair - your eldest son isn't just inheriting from you, you're also providing the inheritance he would have received from his mother at the same time, which is her legacy that should go to her child. If she'd lived but you had divorced then the house would have been hers and she would have bequeathed it solely to him anyway, and you would have done exactly what you've done with the remainder of the will which is splitting it between all three of your children. That's fair.

Maybe explain it like that to your ex - tell her that your not considering the house to be 'yours' per say, just that you're the guardian of it until your eldest is old enough to take ownership of it as his mother intended. If that happens earlier then you can rewrite the will to just remove any mention of it.

I think you've been very fair to all your children, don't feel like you need to change your will to something that doesn't honour your first wife's wishes, and makes it less fair to your oldest child, to accommodate anyone.

Seemslikeaniceday · 03/09/2022 11:00

As pp have said your will is extremely fair and your ex is being unreasonable.

The only point I would make is a practical one, have you set out in your will what should happen if the house is sold before your death? If you no longer own the house Thomas can’t inherit it. You may not think it will be sold, but there may be reasons beyond your control e.g to fund care etc.

Rosebel · 03/09/2022 11:16

It's fair for your eldest to get the house but I do think to compensate your younger son he should get more assets from you. I don't think your assets should be split equally between your son and step daughter unless you are 100%sure your ex is going to split everything equally amongst all the children.

whumpthereitis · 03/09/2022 12:17

Rosebel · 03/09/2022 11:16

It's fair for your eldest to get the house but I do think to compensate your younger son he should get more assets from you. I don't think your assets should be split equally between your son and step daughter unless you are 100%sure your ex is going to split everything equally amongst all the children.

Should he be compensated? On account of not having a mother who died and left him assets?

they will both benefit from the respective assets of their mothers, that’s fair. I don’t see why OP needs to treat them as anything other than equal as far as his assets are concerned.

RustySwitchblade · 03/09/2022 12:46

You are 100% doing the right thing.

as long as it’s clear to your other kids that this is an inheritance from your late wife to your son, then I can’t see it causing any problems.

Tillow4ever · 07/09/2022 14:46

Iamnotthe1 · 31/08/2022 20:29

You acting as if the property was left in trust and, in doing so, being respectful to your son's mother and his maternal grandparents

Your ex wife won't be able to see that because her priority will be the two children you share even though she's likely doing similar. I'd imagine the new house she lives in following your divorce won't be left to all three children equally, will it?

This is completely different. He is the father to all 3 children, she is the mother to 2.

Yes it’s tricky because his children have 2 different mothers, but ultimately they are his children. If they were his step children, I’d see where he was coming from. To the children, it simply looks like he was playing favourites.

menopausalbloat · 07/09/2022 14:46

You are absolutely doing the right thing here. This is your son's legacy and has absolutely nothing to do with your other children.

Bettyswoo · 07/09/2022 14:48

Firstly, your logic sounds perfectly reasonable and fair.

Secondly, you can leave whatever you want, to whomever you want. No one’s business but yours.

Berrietos · 07/09/2022 14:49

Is ex wife including Thomas in her will? If not, her two kids will benefit from her will so it will all even out. YANBU.

Liorae · 07/09/2022 15:03

Tillow4ever · 07/09/2022 14:46

This is completely different. He is the father to all 3 children, she is the mother to 2.

Yes it’s tricky because his children have 2 different mothers, but ultimately they are his children. If they were his step children, I’d see where he was coming from. To the children, it simply looks like he was playing favourites.

Show quote history

Well I hope the OP lives long enough for his children to be adults capable of understanding the reasons for his will.

Flutterbybudget · 07/09/2022 15:16

I don’t think YABU at all
But I would recommend leaving a letter for each of your children explaining the situation and reaffirming your love for them all.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/09/2022 15:35

Full on fair. The house was his mother’s and his grandparents. Only right he should inherit it.

Ivyr0se · 07/09/2022 15:40

You were a step dad to the daughter for a max of 3 years.

It would be fair to split the house you had with your wife, 50% wife share soley to her son and then your 50% share is split evenly between your two biological children.

You can provide for your step daughter by leaving her cash from other assets.

WilsonMilson · 07/09/2022 15:40

Not unfair at all, in fact it would be less fair to split it equally.

Your two other children will also inherit from their mother, your ex, whilst your eldest’s mum has already died and inheriting the house is also part of her legacy to him. I actually think you are being very fair and logical here.

Frankly, your ex wife has absolutely nothing to do with your Will and has zero say in how your apportion your assets.

AclowncalledAlice · 07/09/2022 15:43

Euridicefortuna · 02/09/2022 13:54

I can't believe the hypocrisy. If you have a look through the feeds on Stepfamilies on this site. Most step-mothers will justify why their step children are not receiving anything in their will and why it is just being left to their biological children (they are not their mother).Yet the same people are trying to tell you to leave the house in equal parts to all three of your children.

You are doing the right thing.You can't guarantee that your ex-wife will leave anything to your son.Does she even see him as her son the way you see her daughter as yours? Why should your late wife's legacy benefit children she is not related to. Step mothers are often told on this site to do the best thing for their child and you are right in doing the same for yours.

Absolutely spot -on.

GuerlainHo · 07/09/2022 15:45

Stick to your guns. Give Thomas the house and should you then wish to buy another property; that will be split equally between all the children

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 15:46

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:38

My ex wife plans on leaving everything of her split equally between the three. However her parents do not really like Thomas, so I doubt they would leave him anything.

This is odd. How long did she spend as his StepMum?

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 15:49

Yes, that sounds very fair. The house is his mother's legacy to him. To avoid upset down the line, I'd talk to everyone about it (if they're old enough).

Rosehugger · 07/09/2022 15:50

I thought it was fair at first, but if the other children including Thomas also grew up and spent happy years in the house, they will feel an attachment to it, and while dividing it between three means no-one gets the house unless they can buy the others out, I think the other two children would find it unfair for Thomas to get the house due to their attachment to it.

MrsMitford3 · 07/09/2022 15:51

@macadams I think you are 100% doing the right thing and honouring your late wife's wishes.

I would make the will iron clad, and I would explain why to everyone.
I hope no pressure or guilt would be put on him to share-make sure you are completely clear with everyone that this was your intention.
It is fair and morally the right thing to do.

Good luck @macadams stand your ground.

IceandIndigo · 07/09/2022 15:53

I can understand your thinking, but ultimately I think it's wrongheaded. The end result of the situation is that one of your children will be a lot better off than the others when you die. That sort of thing can cause a lot of resentment and friction in families. Also, if all three children grew up in the house they all have an emotional stake in it.

Admittedly, all of this is probably influenced by my personal thinking about inheritance, which is that it's pretty unfair how some people get massive inheritances while others get nothing, simply because of who their parents are.

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 16:01

Admittedly, all of this is probably influenced by my personal thinking about inheritance, which is that it's pretty unfair how some people get massive inheritances while others get nothing, simply because of who their parents are.
This is exactly how inheritance works... Confused
Would you rather have everybody leave all their worldly goods to the local Cats Home, because some people don't have anything to leave?

Meseekslookatme · 07/09/2022 16:03

My half brother already has the house in my situation (long story)
I will inherit nothing as my Dad and stepmum are divorced.
It is what it is. I'll inherit nothing from my dad either as all the cash from my grandparents went into improving the house.
In your situation the house should go to Thomas. He didn't get to grow up with his mum. He should at least get to inherit from her. ESPECIALLY if the step grandparents are unlikely to want anything left to him.

Wereeaglesdare · 07/09/2022 16:04

I think you have been completely fair. Id imagine ur late wife made her wishes clear about your son inheriting the house. It is only right your cash is your own but that house is borrowed.