I can’t cater for everyone

[Hadenough201]

Hi first time poster but am at my witts end and have lost perspective and don’t know if I am being unreasonable. Basically I used to love cooking and been on courses etc however trying to accommodate for all the dislikes and preferences my children and step children have and husband is making every meal a battle and I now dread trying to think of something. After a particularly bad week I delacred have had enough and said I will not be cooking for anyone but me. I know this unreasonable after I calmed down ! So said we need to talk about how to make this work so I am asking for what rules or even meal suggestions that you may have to give background

husband is gluten intolerant

eldest daughter has autism so that brings some texture difficulties and also foods touching ( however will eat most foods and tbh sepearting her portion apart is not an issue what is causing some conflict is he need to know in advance and also change of plans or brands/ingredients etc)

younger daughter doesn’t like pasta or fish or milk/creamy sauces

son is very picky but loves any red meat and broccoli!

stepdaughter is vegan

Stepson doesn’t like any form of potatoe (even chips!)

younger stepson is lactose intolerant

sorry that is so long but thanks I’m advance

Maybe serve something where the kids can get involved and make their own toppings, like wraps or pizza.

OK sorry but. This is like a parody.
It doesn't help that I grew up in a malnourished communist country but seriously...what would these people have done 50 or more years ago?
Or what would they do if they weren't in a first world country??

Why are you cooking all the time for all the dc? Why can’t DH cook?

Have you got room for a massive freezer? Batch cook various meals and freeze in individual portions so that whenever you cook you can take out individual alternatives for one or two people, so you don't have to make every meal suitable for everyone, IYSWIM.
Huge sympathy, it does sound like a nightmare.

I wouldn't be specifically catering to anything except allergies/intolerances. I'd also stock plenty of bread/cheese/ham/spreads and things like fruit for anyone too fussy to eat what I've cooked. They can help themselves to these unless too young, then I'd make them a sandwich.

Exactly. They'd eat what was put down in front of them. No way would I be entertaining this palaver.

@Bonheurdupasse I agree, this is bonkers. I get the dietary requirements, but children who say they don't eat basic things like pasta, potatoes, fish or milk... No way, they'll be served whatever meal I've planned and will be told Tough, that's your dinner eat it or leave it.

Salads, vegetable curry, jacket spuds, vegetable stir fries, vegetable stew.

In hour shoes I’d be making DH cook. The oldest ones and DH can help sort out bits for themselves or find recipes they like and cook alongside. Things like rice and quinoa freeze really well so can make a batch and stick in freezer easily. I would cook specifically for the younger kids.

TBH I’d be “tough shit” on most of it though, don’t eat the bits you don’t like.

Gluten free wraps with different fillings

I’d cater for the actual dietary requirements. The ‘I don’t like potato/grains/beans you eat round them or make something for yourself.

Another vote for this is ridiculous. Allergies can be catered to. Your DD with autism should also be prioritised.
If other kids don’t like specific bits then they can just leave it. You’re not a personal chef.
DH can sort out his own gluten free alternatives, and should be given short shrift for any moaning. He should also do 50% of the cooking, arguably more when his fussy children are there.

Oh god, that made my brain hurt! I've got no advice really but if he doesn't already then your husband needs to be taking equal responsibility.

Could the kids get together and come up with some acceptable meals. Maybe turn it into a game if they get on well enough?

Gosh, that sounds really difficult.

I swear by soup. Blended so that kids don’t know what they’re eating. I make them all the time and it’s non-negotiable, they have to eat whether they like it or not! My older DD has a rubbish diet so this is the only way I know that she’s eating something nutritious (they are tasty though!). Served with toasties, pizza or garlic bread.

Mexican/chilli also goes down well too - with rice, beans or wraps.

You have my sympathies as I sometimes struggle when we're all home. Eldest will eat fish but not meat; loves cheese which provides a good protein fallback in many meals. However, I'm gluten intolerant and can only tolerate a little bit of dairy, youngest is similar with dairy. DH will eat most things - but is a bit random as to whether he's ravenous or hardly hungry at all. Both teenagers can suddenly lose their appetites if the wrong thing is said; and we've had the foods touching issue now and then.

Stir fries and soups are enjoyed in our house, because in them the foods are meant to be mixed (at one point when younger one of them only managed blended soups though). However foods that are "meant to be separate" might need to stay separate on the plate.

Things that work include stir fries and pasta sauces where the protein component is added at the end - so might be chickpeas for one or two, cooked meat pieces or mince for the others (the latter might be cooked as a batch, stored in fridge and a spoonful or two taken out as wanted). Sometimes I eat these without the carbs as that suits me anyhow. Steamed veg with two different protein accompaniments. Meals that suit some of the family and one person has leftovers from earlier in the week - I think that's a strategy you probably need to be actively pursuing.

Meals when my sister visits are always buffet style, and always include jacket potatoes and various salads. Meat for her, as her family is all vegetarian but she is also gluten and dairy intolerant, so I try to have something she is less likely to cook for herself at home. One good salad to make is a coleslaw - if you dress it with oil and vinegar (rather than mayonaisse) it keeps quite a few days in the fridge, and makes a satisfying meal with a bit of lettuce, bit of protein (egg/meat/cheese/fish/whatever), bit of carb if required.

Definitely involve the older ones in meal choices and planning, especially when it's a matter of "can you cook the XYZ for yours".

Good luck regaining a simpler life!

I'd work round the gluten and lactose intolerance but everybody else eats (or doesn't! )what they are given . Vegan step daughter is old enough to at least suggest ideas for her meal and help prepare it.

Thank you all for your help there are definitely things I will be making and rules I will be making !

This is tough! I have come up with broccoli soup, biriyani (protein on the side) and different types of mexican foods like fajitas, tacos, quesadillas, all of which can be made vegan, gluten free, bean free etc.

Chilli a meat and a veggie with rice? You can batch cook so each time you have it you can defrost meat and veg portions to suit.
Fajitas lay everything on the table and they build themselves, get some gluten free wraps for DH
Pulled pork corn cobs and either rice, wraps or jackets depending on preferences?
The older ones need to start helping him so they can see how difficult some of the fussiness makes things

Cater to the medical issues only. Everyone else should be told to eat it or leave it.

Blimey, that sounds like an absolute ‘mare! I hope your DH is doing his fair share of the cooking, too?

Sounds as though carbs aren’t too tricky to navigate if they will all eat rice, plus you can easily do a small portion of gluten-free bread or noodles if serving those carbs. (Is there any form of potato that your son will eat or does he refuse all potato products/dishes? I’m thinking things like gnocchi or mash made less “potatoey” with lots of cheese? Would he eat sweet potato fries?)

A couple of ideas of meals you can make that will hopefully be eaten by all, and where you can remove a portion and add beans for your DSD before adding meat to the main pot for everyone else: casseroles; stews (might need to make separate dumplings though); soup (eg you could do minestrone and add gluten-free spaghetti to a small portion) Mexican chili; Indian/Thai curries; stir-fries; pasta sauce (either tomato and veg sauce, or bolognese with lentils or veggie mince for DSD); shakshuka (DSD could have vegan feta instead of eggs). All of those are essentially one-pot dishes with an easy carb side, where you can easily make one portion vegan.

Salads, wraps, fajitas, pitta pockets, toasted sandwiches, loaded nachos with choices of fillings/toppings to add themselves could also work?

My extended family is like this and it's a nightmare. I do feel for you dealing with it more often!!

Could you do things like veggie chilli and they have it with a jacket potato or rice depending on needs? There should be a fair few of those meal planners with how to make two meals with the same base to give you a steer.

I do agree though that the things they can't change get catered for but fussiness it's more than fair to say they have to help themselves to toast instead. And that it should be 75% your husband's problem!

Oh my goodness. Just no. This is making me feel anxious just reading it.

I thought I had a tall order. We have a teen that doesn't eat lots of things and politely leaves the table, scrapes into the bin and fills up on bread. I feel awful.

Another two with autism and sensory issues. Everything is separated.

The two adults with diabetes so no carbs.

There isn't much/ anything I can cook that everyone will/ can eat.

I'd do what previous posters have suggested and cater first for the intolerances. Then serve everything on the table in bowls, sauces separately too. There will be something for everyone to help themselves to. Even if it's only one or two things.

All we can do is our best. Your situation is so hard.

It is way too stressful. Inform your gluten intolerant husband he is now in charge of his own meals and DSC meals, this way you at least resolve the texture and fussy eaters issues,including vegan ones.
Plan the meals for yourself and your kids, concentrating on the eldest with the actual health concerns.

Your family doesn't need hot meals, warm meals, cooked meals, or meals with exactly three colours of food on the plate, and no one is going to become a violent criminal because you don't sit around a table together every night, regardless of what you've been raised to believe. Children need enough calories to support their metabolism and growth along with nutrients and vitamins. I was an insanely picky eater as a child, I ate nothing but turkey deli meat and raw carrots and broccoli and saltines (basically cream crackers) with peanut butter for years. I've never touched milk or cheese voluntarily in my life to this day (though I do eat most other things now) and I've never had a cavity or a broken tooth or broken bone so I must be getting enough calcium from somewhere.

Stop trying to cook for everyone. For the ones who are too small to sort themselves out in the kitchen, figure out what they will eat without dying of scurvy that you can prepare in a few seconds and provide that - even if it's deli turkey meat and raw vegetables. For the older ones, if they can safely operate the oven and use a knife, give them a budget, tell them to add the food they want to a shared online grocery list, and let them crack on. Find another shared family activity besides meals. Go for walks or something in the evening before the littlest ones go to bed, or pick an old series with short episodes to watch together, or something like that.