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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

93 replies

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:35

NC because it sounds mean but AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

Backstory:
I was always quite intelligent growing up, loved reading, won scholarships, that sort of thing. I always dreamed of having a daughter with whom I could share my knowledge.
Fast forward 11 years and my DD is anything but what I was like. She says reading is "boring" so I can't share my favourite books with her. And whereas I used to receive glowing teacher reports her's all come back saying she talks too much in class but has potential.
I just wish she would put in more effort. Of course I still love DD but AIBU?

OP posts:
dmask · 31/08/2022 12:40

Do you put in effort to do the things she likes?

Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:41

@dmask Yes, I take her clothes shopping every two weeks, to gymnastics twice a week and every other thing she shows interest in.

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 31/08/2022 12:43

Is there anything she’s better than you at, that you can appreciate her for on her own terms.

edwinbear · 31/08/2022 12:45

her's all come back saying she talks too much in class but has potential

Exactly what my reports used to say and it drove my parents to distraction. I didn't do well in my A levels at all, scraped into a third rate uni, but the gift of the gab did enable me to build a superb sales career in the City. Encourage her to join the debating club at school 😉

Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:45

@FreudayNight Well yes but not things I can relate to. That's the problem, we're just so different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:47

@edwinbear That's another thing unfortunately, I'm a lawyer and tried to get her into debating but it was apparently 'boring too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:49

We also live in the countryside. Something I always wanted to do when I was her age and she's told me countless times she's escaping to the city one day!

OP posts:
JurrasicCazza · 31/08/2022 12:51

I can understand why you feel the way you do. But you do need to get over it. My mum never seemed to be able to accept that I wasn't like her or my brother and it still annoys me now I'm an adult.

If it makes you feel any better my kids are just like me and it does my head in. I caught my youngest sneaking out of the garden the other day, just like I did when I was his age!

RedHelenB · 31/08/2022 12:51

Let her be. None of my 3 were readers despite me having loads of books around the house. First two excelled in their degrease.

Violettaa · 31/08/2022 12:53

Like PP, my mum is still disappointed that I don’t like the things that she likes. It’s a real downside to our relationship, and makes me very sad.

crumble82 · 31/08/2022 12:55

You’re not going to change your personality or hers and there are definite positives to bring so different which you can embrace. My oldest DD is very like me, similar personalities, similar looks, similar interests…people often comment on how alike we are. However I worry that she sometimes puts her own thoughts and likes aside in order to continue the similarity. Obviously that is not something I encourage and I hope she grows out of it but it means I sometimes have to be very careful with what I say. A well meaning comment like ‘don’t worry I struggled with fractions at your age too’ seems to make her feel like she doesn’t have to try. My youngest is less like me and I think not having the comparisons is healthier for her development.

Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:56

@JurrasicCazza 😂😂

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 31/08/2022 12:57

She's a person in her own right, not your mini-me. Why would you expect her to be exactly like you? She doesn't have to share your interests. If you want to talk about books with someone, do that with your friends or join a book club.

She's probably secretly feels shit because she's aware she's a disappointment to you. However well you think you hide it, she will definitely know.

She likes clothes and gymnastics - those interests are just as valid as yours. Be proud of the energy, determination and fearlessness that she puts into her gymnastics and be proud of her eye for style and design that sparks her interest in clothes. She talks too much at school - so she's probably a good communicator with a lively mind.

FWIW, I'm obsessed with books, reading, learning etc, but so what? That's my interest. It doesn't have to be anyone else's and it's no more valid than any other interest.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/08/2022 12:57

Can't you relate to her interests because she is your daughter and you care about her?

When my dd was a little older than yours I got us cinema passes and we went at least once a fortnight. It helped us to have something we did together, just the two of us.

But just try to see her as a complete and distinct human being, because she is.

My dd doesn't like many of the things I like and isn't at all academic but now she's an adult she has a job that completely makes sense for her, and I like listening to her talk about it because she's clearly happy.

You have a right to your feelings but try not to wallow in them. Try and work through them.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 31/08/2022 12:58

LOL.

DH and I expected to have a mini-me. Our child would be an introverted, chess-playing highly academic child who preferred books to friends. They would adore visiting museums, fossil hunting, outdoor pursuits and we would agonise over the 11+, their issues relating to their peers and problems with school with them being bored and "too clever by half".

Instead we have a clever but highly dyslexic DD who is only interested in music and performing arts (my worst nightmare), thinks museums and fossil hunting are 'boring' and to my knowledge has never read a whole book (didn't learn to read till she was 7). She has stacks of friends and is a complete extrovert. I am probably a huge disappointment to her!

She could do a lot better in school if she put any real effort in, but can only really be bothered in about 3 subjects. Zero interest in going to university and can't wait to be done with GCSEs and leave school. But very ambitious in what she wants for the future.

I've actually found her world fascinating and have learned a huge amount about her hobbies and interests so we can support her in those. Occasionally I wish she enjoyed my interests more, but realistically that's just not going to happen.

So I totally understand where you are coming from, but you get the child you are given and there's not a lot you can do to 'mould them'.

I do slightly hope that I might get a chess playing, museum and book loving grandchild...

BlueEggsAndBacon · 31/08/2022 12:59

I was like your DD in school. I hated reading! It was super boring!!! I also was the class chatterbox!! I loved talking and being active!!

I didn't do great in my GCSEs or A-levels, not for lack of ability, but just because I didn't apply myself and I found learning dull!

However, I did do well enough in A-levels to get to uni. I didn't even really like learning that much at uni, though I did start to enjoy it a bit, and started to find reading a bit more useful.

I ended up doing an MSc, not because I wanted to, but because my job required it and paid for me to do it.

It was only at MSc level that I started to find the joy in learning! Suddenly it was less about boring rote memory and being forced to read, and more about thinking creatively and reading for a purpose (short papers rather than long books).

I now love learning! I have a degree, MSc, and PhD (for which I was awarded a pass no revisions - which is a good mark in the PhD world!). I also have a couple of other post grad certificates and am about to embark on another MSc (slightly pointless, but again needed for my job!)

I still hate reading fiction and find it v boring!!! But I will read the newspaper, academic papers, and of course, Mumsnet!! 😉

(in complete honesty, I think I ended up with all these qualifications and in a boring professional job because I wanted to.prove I was capable to those that doubted me in school. I wish I'd been praised instead at school for being active, fun and adventurous, and supported to do something more fun and active instead of feeling I had to fit a mould. I find my current job boring and wish I'd been helped to see that outdoor jobs, active jobs etc.. are of equal worth to those that require university degrees and copious amounts of reading)

When I was at school, children who liked reading fiction were considered clever and to be going on to great things. If you didn't like reading it was consider a crime!! This always used to annoy me and still does! Being a fiction reader, or a reader of any books, doesn't make someone superior or clever! We are all different and you can't force someone to be a fan of reading!

It doesn't matter whether your DD is a mini professor or the class clown! Just value who your daughter is now. Her strengths. You don't know how things will pan out. Help her follow her heart and her own path xx

dockspider · 31/08/2022 13:16

Sorry but YAB very, very U (and I guess you know it hence the name change 😉)
My DD is also a gymnast. I’m in awe of how brave she is when she steps out at a competition, I’m in awe of her resilience when it doesn’t go well and I’m in awe of her dedication and perseverance at training. I’m choosing gymnastics because our daughters have the sport in common but my DD, your DD, my DSes are all their own extraordinary people and should be celebrated for that.

(someone always posts a link to this poem on a thread like this so I’ll be that person poets.org/poem/children-1)

dockspider · 31/08/2022 13:18

(in complete honesty, I think I ended up with all these qualifications and in a boring professional job because I wanted to.prove I was capable to those that doubted me in school. I wish I'd been praised instead at school for being active, fun and adventurous, and supported to do something more fun and active instead of feeling I had to fit a mould. I find my current job boring and wish I'd been helped to see that outdoor jobs, active jobs etc.. are of equal worth to those that require university degrees and copious amounts of reading)

Oh I couldn’t agree more with this. I did extremely well in school and was basically funnelled into a very competitive job that I hated. Ironically a couple of years into it I thought about dropping out and becoming an outdoor instructor and I wish I had been bold enough to do it.

MsTSwift · 31/08/2022 13:20

You are being incredibly unreasonable but do get why you feel like that! You need to really work on valuing her for who she is ie not a mini you or you could damage your relationship.

Dh has same job as you our first Dd is basically him reincarnated our second is …not. He has worked really hard to find common ground with dd2 he does find her infuriating but vents in private.

Libre2 · 31/08/2022 13:30

Yep I hear you and I realise how totally unreasonable I am - and therefore have to conclude that you must be too. Sorry.

DS is into gaming and media and that is pretty much it. He used to read but no longer reads anything other than manga. I despair of him reaching what I perceive as his potential but he is who he is.

We have one thing we do together still now that he is 13 and that is walk. I am very grateful for that. I am gradually getting over thinking about who I think he should be and learning to enjoy who he is.

As the saying goes - parent the child you have, not the one you wish you had.

FlorettaB · 31/08/2022 13:32

It sounds like you really need to adjust your expectations and enjoy the daughter you have. I can see the wanting her to share the joy of reading but the rest of what you’ve posted about her is negative and honestly a bit weird. Trying to teach her debating? Expecting her to like living in the countryside because you wanted to when you were her age? Basically, wanting her to be you as a child.

If you want to share your favourite books with her try reading her a chapter a night before she goes to sleep - I know she’s 11 but it can work for some DC - or get the audiobook versions and stick them on in the car.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/08/2022 13:35

Our imaginary children are rarely like the real people who are born to us.

I'm convinced DD has to do the opposite of what I want or ask.

You have to respect them as individuals.

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 13:35

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 31/08/2022 12:58

LOL.

DH and I expected to have a mini-me. Our child would be an introverted, chess-playing highly academic child who preferred books to friends. They would adore visiting museums, fossil hunting, outdoor pursuits and we would agonise over the 11+, their issues relating to their peers and problems with school with them being bored and "too clever by half".

Instead we have a clever but highly dyslexic DD who is only interested in music and performing arts (my worst nightmare), thinks museums and fossil hunting are 'boring' and to my knowledge has never read a whole book (didn't learn to read till she was 7). She has stacks of friends and is a complete extrovert. I am probably a huge disappointment to her!

She could do a lot better in school if she put any real effort in, but can only really be bothered in about 3 subjects. Zero interest in going to university and can't wait to be done with GCSEs and leave school. But very ambitious in what she wants for the future.

I've actually found her world fascinating and have learned a huge amount about her hobbies and interests so we can support her in those. Occasionally I wish she enjoyed my interests more, but realistically that's just not going to happen.

So I totally understand where you are coming from, but you get the child you are given and there's not a lot you can do to 'mould them'.

I do slightly hope that I might get a chess playing, museum and book loving grandchild...

My situation is almost exactly the same except that DH is more like my DD - I blame him for everything.

If you’d told me in advance what DD would be like I mightn’t have had her. But I’ve never loved anyone so much.

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 13:37

Agree with a pp that reading to her might be good (if she’s not too old).
Dyslexic DD loves being read to so I’ve been able to re-live my childhood love of books that way.

LondonQueen · 31/08/2022 13:38

She's your daughter, you should be happy for her choosing her own life.