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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

93 replies

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:35

NC because it sounds mean but AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

Backstory:
I was always quite intelligent growing up, loved reading, won scholarships, that sort of thing. I always dreamed of having a daughter with whom I could share my knowledge.
Fast forward 11 years and my DD is anything but what I was like. She says reading is "boring" so I can't share my favourite books with her. And whereas I used to receive glowing teacher reports her's all come back saying she talks too much in class but has potential.
I just wish she would put in more effort. Of course I still love DD but AIBU?

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 31/08/2022 18:21

I have DCs that struggle with reading (one diagnosed dyslexic, the other booked in for assessment). It would be lovely if they could read for pleasure, not to be a mini-me but because the education system puts so much emphisis on it and it must be draining to be constantly pushed to read. DS1 likes non-fiction/ hobby manuals which is good enough for me. I listen to audio books with DS2. There's a lot of higher literacy skill without the labour of decoding, and it's a gentle together time at the end of the day.

I sometimes do gaming with them. After so much youtube in lockdown, why not!

It's nice to share some interests, and healthy to pick up some fresh mutual interest, but children will never be a mini-me and it's not healthy for either of you to expect that.

NewDiary · 31/08/2022 18:53

My mum was always trying to make me read her Anthony Trollope novels and watch the Edinburgh Tattoo - I would still rather die

My mum was always trying to get me to read Crime and Punishment which I resisted strongly- although I was a very keen reader as a teen I decided that if my mum liked it, it must be shit. Eventually I gave in and read it and of course it was unutterably brilliant, but to avoid having to tell my mum this I pretended that I still hadn't read it. My poor mum 😭

TheLoupGarou · 31/08/2022 19:12

Haha @NewDiary maybe I need to give old A.T. a try! I'm not sure I could admit it to my mum even now 😂

Babdoc · 31/08/2022 19:13

When DD was born, the midwife didn’t say “Congratulations, it’s an autistic, vegetarian, Communist, feminist, Buddhist!”
But that’s what I got.
And as a Christian, Tory, meat eater, I found it took a bit of adjustment!
But we shared the autism and feminism, and a love of Star Trek, we respected each other’s differences and we love each other dearly.
As the Vulcans would say “Joy in diversity”, OP.

dockspider · 31/08/2022 19:15

Some uplifting gymnastics to watch with DD which m.youtube.com/watch?v=4ic7RNS4Dfo

DIYandEatCake · 31/08/2022 19:22

I get where you’re coming from, in that I get frustrated that one of my kids is ‘coasting’ at school when he has lots of ability. He’s always praised for his behaviour, and is a lovely boy who is popular and kind to his friends - but he just can’t be bothered to work and also says reading is ‘boring’. He is obsessed with computer games, and that may end up being his career and a good one I know - but he has no real interest in real world knowledge. I was like you, an avid reader and wanted to learn about everything. I try to remind myself that it never got me a good career (I’m autistic with no self-confidence and chronically underemployed) and that my son’s great social skills will probably get him jobs and promotions easily.

CoolerThanIceCream · 31/08/2022 19:29

You are lamenting not having much in common - presumably because you want a close relationship with her.

By resenting what you don’t have in common, you’re jeopardising the one thing you really want - that close relationship.

Accept her whole-heartedly for who she is, and you’ll get what you want.

CoolerThanIceCream · 31/08/2022 19:31

And I say this an avid reader who loved English and music and doesn’t have a sporty bone in my body - with a sports-mad, non-reading, science-bent daughter.

I love what her interests have opened up for me - I am learning more than I could ever have imagined from her.

Redqueenheart · 31/08/2022 19:33

Surely you can understand that your child is not necessarily going to be a replica of who you are?

She is an individual with different talents, tastes and interests.

You need to accept that and support her in being self-confident and developing her own qualities.

I think it is unfair on her to just be expected to be similar to you if she wants to be valued...

I had a mother who never respect the fact that I was a separate individual with my own personality and interests. Instead she expected me to be as she wanted me to be and to follow the life she had planned for me. She wanted to decide what I would study at university and where and what job I would get. The message I got was that everything was wrong with me and that she did not love me for who I was but instead that I was just some kind of prop or doll she could mould into whatever she thought was the right type of daughter for her.

Unsurprisingly that did not end well and we had no relationship once I became an adult. Don't make the mistake she made.

Haggisfish3 · 31/08/2022 19:35

It’s really interesting isn’t it. I thought dc would be like me and dh but they aren’t, in many ways. And I wanted dd to love the same book series I did-Ginny horse ones. But she has found her own series to love. Warrior cats .and I realised my dc have a completely different upbringing to mine-different time and opportunities and place and so of course they will be different. Sounds so obvious but it took a while for me to realise .i e managed to find a
cross over with dd. Actual horse riding. She and I both love it so I have joined her lessons with the other twelve year olds. We all love it! 🤣

Invernessy · 31/08/2022 19:39

I grew up in similar circumstances to those you describe. A very academic family when I was a bit more middle of the road.

I don’t doubt for a minute that my mum loves me very much and always has and I love her very much too.

BUT, at 40 I find myself trying to shield my daughter from the academic judgement of her grandmother that I always felt (and still feel sometimes - though my mother has never had any conscious awareness of it) as she approaches her final couple of years of high school.

I have so many happy memories of my childhood and I’m sure that your daughter will too but if one thing could have been different I would have liked it to be that I had been able to just be me without having to strive to break a pre-imagined mould first.

Catmuffin · 31/08/2022 19:39

What's her dad like? Genes play a big part. Is she like any family members? My dc got their 20:20 vision from late dh and also their maths ability. Dd1 got her calm nature from him

user1477391263 · 31/08/2022 19:45

I do get it. My daughter is unlike me in many ways. I do my best to find things we have in common, but (as I'm human rather than a cardboard cutout saint), of course I do wish we were more similar. It is what it is, though.

NeelyOHara1 · 31/08/2022 19:52

Not a mum but thought this was a lovely poem 😳:

On Children Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 19:59

🥲

Bouledeneige · 31/08/2022 20:03

You don't sound like you really appreciate your DD as her own special person. She might surprise or astound you or lead you to appreciate different tastes and avenues,

My DD was shy and probably a little dyslexic. Very different to her father and me - we are both very academic. My DD was a slow learner at primary school, not really a reader till she discovered Jaqueline Wilson. But she is now hugely creative and talented at art, she is a dreamer, sociable, silly, fun, kooky, kind. Now at 22 she is the closest person to me in my whole life and we've learned so much from each other. In some ways we are now quite alike and in many ways very different. She will probably never read War and Peace and I won't read fantasy romances. But we can spend many happy hours in an art gallery together. Its a great journey seeing them grow up and blossom into the adult they become. And they might just nudge you to see and experience life in a different way.

hyperspacebug · 31/08/2022 20:17

I was practically wet with excitement when my DS1 started to read really early, now he is a teenager who's way more into gaming. Then two other kids followed and they are...so not readers or academic. Nothing like another mum who has all 3 girls ending up at super-selective and I still wistfully wonder how did she do it.

I do have a massive chip on my shoulder - I can't see myself ever respecting people who don't enjoy reading and are a bit 'I don't know what capital of England hahahaha, school of life is more important!' Sorry but eww.

I am also lazy to a fault and for some reason I am not as intolerant when I see that in others.

But I do like my kids though and I know they feel loved and pushed where needed, even if they moan a bit. There isn't a dichotomy between pushing and loving. Don't worry about the comments about sad childhood of never being accepted (as sad as it is) if you don't think that really applies to you and just want an occasional honest vent a bit occasionally along 'oh crap, my kid is a bit thick...' (that I know my good friends also shared secretly)

ABlindAssassin · 31/08/2022 22:23

I understand where you're coming from OP. I sometimes feel a twinge of sadness that my DSs don't share my love of reading, drawing and squash.

They don't know this of course. I'm enthusiastic about their interests and happily facilitate them doing what they are interested in, even when it's not my thing.

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