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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

93 replies

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:35

NC because it sounds mean but AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

Backstory:
I was always quite intelligent growing up, loved reading, won scholarships, that sort of thing. I always dreamed of having a daughter with whom I could share my knowledge.
Fast forward 11 years and my DD is anything but what I was like. She says reading is "boring" so I can't share my favourite books with her. And whereas I used to receive glowing teacher reports her's all come back saying she talks too much in class but has potential.
I just wish she would put in more effort. Of course I still love DD but AIBU?

OP posts:
wafflesandeggs · 31/08/2022 15:16

Forgot to add, you can also take your daughter along with you to a selection of different classes or hobbies to see if you can find something you both like. What do you like about living in the country? Can you do something related to that?

SheeWeee · 31/08/2022 15:17

Do you really think kids are going to be interested in debating as an actual thing?

Considering the array of debating trophies adorning a shelf right behind me with two of my DC's name on, I would have to say, why would they not be?

Blindsblindsblinds · 31/08/2022 15:17

Bet your daughters pretty disappointed she’s got you as a mother

Sparklesocks · 31/08/2022 15:22

As others have said, our kids are not an extension of us - they are their own people with their own personalities. Your DD sounds like she is happy and comfortable in who she is and what she enjoys. You can be different from her but still appreciate her as an individual. I’m sure there’s more common ground than you think, but it’s about seeking that out rather than moulding her into who you’d like her to be.

mycatisannoying · 31/08/2022 15:24

YABU.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 31/08/2022 15:27

Daughters often go on the opposite direction to their mums, you might get your wish with grand children? In the meantime appreciate her for who she is her self assurance relies on you so much.

Wakinguptooearly · 31/08/2022 15:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel this way. We feel how we feel. I also think it can be quite bewildering and sad when your child dismisses the things we love.
It would however be unreasonable to allow her to know you feel this way.
Find the things you do have in common and use those as a basis to build a strong relationship.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 31/08/2022 15:31

YABU.

honeylulu · 31/08/2022 15:34

This is the sort of post I imagine my mother would have written about me when I was school age. She thought of her kids as an extension of her not people in their own right.

There is nothing wrong with me. We are just different. Unfortunately she never tried to hide her abject disappointment. My younger sister was exactly what she wanted. It seemed like I was considered the first defective effort before she "got it right".

Love the child you've got, not the one you think you wanted!

My kids aren't much like me either and I adore them.

Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 15:38

Thanks for the opinions. Of course I love my DD and have never told her this. When I posted this I had just had a conversation with someone and we were reminiscing. I remember reading and talking about books and other shared hobbies with family and just felt a little sad that I couldn't have that with her. Maybe I can though, it's early days with the gymnastics but I will try and show more interest in that. Thanks mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 15:39

Just realised it sounded like I was saying I never told my DD I loved her! I meant I never told her any of the things I mentioned in this thread 😂😂

OP posts:
RitzyTitzy · 31/08/2022 15:43

Both my dds are like this and they come from 2 academic high achieving parents. Couldn't care less about reading. Hate school. Everything is boring. They like clothes and make up. I have never been interested in either. I'm actually intrigued by them and try and to see it as a chance for me to get a close up opportunity to see what it's like to be like them. I did always wonder growing up what the girls who were like them at school had going on in their heads and now I'm hearing exactly what's going on in their heads every minute of every day. Conversely my ds is very like me and I do have to really try to not make it obvious I'm more interested in debating something with him than I am discussing a mind numbing so called make up life hack with one of my girls Grin

Hawkins001 · 31/08/2022 15:55

Sounds like you would make an excellent step mum, I love the countryside, and learning debating methods and technical aspects of law etc, (got influenced by the good wife, series)

All the best op, @Namechanged147

WeAreAllLionesses · 31/08/2022 15:59

I had DD after 3 boys and couldn't wait to share spa days with her...she hates the idea and can't stand her feet being touched whereas to me it's an absolute treat and I always have a pedicure!

Really not what I had imagined 😂people are very different...

NewDiary · 31/08/2022 16:02

We also live in the countryside. Something I always wanted to do when I was her age and she's told me countless times she's escaping to the city one day!

Well, in this regard she seems quite like you, wanting what she hasn't got.

I'm a lawyer and tried to get her into debating but it was apparently 'boring too

Well, yes 😂 DH and I are both lawyers and we think teen DS would make a great lawyer. We're trying very, very hard not to say this to him, or hardly at all, as I can't think of anything less likely to make him want to do it (and in any event wouldn't want him to do it if it wasn't freely chosen).

I think maybe you're trying too hard to bring out the sides of your daughter that are more like you and she's finding it a massive turn off. Not many girls want to be just like their mums, certainly not past about 8. She may yet discover a love of reading or of academic achievement but part of the joy of that has to be the excitement of finding her own way. I'd back right off on the reading and debating etc etc, encourage her to do her best at school, celebrate who she is and the things she enjoys. That's both the right thing to do in itself and a way of giving her space to discover those aspects of herself which happen to be more like you.

FourTeaFallOut · 31/08/2022 16:08

I have three kids, three FFS, and not one of them likes watching movies. I mean, watching movies - this isn't a niche interest here. Occasionally I can bribe one to come to the cinema with me under the guise of an abundance of junk food and I pretend they aren't just humouring me.

topcat2014 · 31/08/2022 16:27

I could cheerfully never read another book. I am literate etc but hate books.

In fact most of what passes for culture I hate.

I'm a chief finance officer so have played to my strengths over the years.

Dd15 is never working in an office ever..

Currently she wants to be a pilot.

In fact I love how different she is to me!

Baggyeye · 31/08/2022 16:48

I understand where you are coming from OP as I have an avid reader and one who finds reading a complete chore. Same gene pool, same environment, different personalities.

My concern is that my DC who doesn't read has not found any 'joy in learning'! (@BlueEggsAndBacon glad to hear that it came to you later in your studies.) I know everyone is saying to make the most of your child as they are (which I agree with) but when they find everything about school(and out of school pursuits) 'boring' it's not a particularly positive ongoing conversation.

Are there any English teachers on here? How do pupils get on who never read for pleasure? Any tips on how to support teens to write & converse well outside reading? Note emphasis is on support I am not forcing them to be a certain way but being articulate helps in life.

hangrylady · 31/08/2022 17:05

Maybe she wishes her mum was more like her

FlorettaB · 31/08/2022 17:12

I’m not a teacher but I’d say remember that all reading counts. They might not sit and read a book for 40 minutes a day but they’re reading through school work, gaming reviews, match reports, social media, recipes (if you have one of those magical teenagers who cook for the family once a week), articles on how all previous generations (but especially yours) have fucked up the environment…

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2022 17:13

Thanks for the opinions. Of course I love my DD and have never told her this.

You don't have to, she already knows.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/08/2022 17:14

She is an individual with her own personality and tastes - this should be encouraged and not seen as something that is disappointing.

Its ok for her to like different things.

Cabsnotlint · 31/08/2022 17:16

Country life is quite boring though. A fancy house in a posh neighbourhood doesn't really compare to city life OP not when your a kid anyway.

Shopping every 2 weeks? What about a hobby? Movies or an activity and not shopping!

MsTSwift · 31/08/2022 17:44

Hate to say it but phones have killed reading. I literally read all the books in the library as a teen as have that sort of mind that always needs entertaining. Know my teens would be the same if they didn’t have their phones. When we went on holiday and there was no wifi they both read like Dh and I used to. Dd1 read pretty much all the books on my kindle!

TheLoupGarou · 31/08/2022 17:59

I have 3 kids and they are all so different - one of my sons is most like me in terms of his interests and that means we 'click' more easily when talking about certain topics BUT this just means I work harder to find things in common with the other two - my other son loves baking and swimming, so we do that together and DD likes trawling the shops and going to cafes, so we do that together. We have a house rule not to yuk someone else's yum!

When you are a teenager you don't want to be like your parents! Isn't that the point? My mum was always trying to make me read her Anthony Trollope novels and watch the Edinburgh Tattoo - I would still rather die <melodramatic teen-style flail>

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