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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

93 replies

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:35

NC because it sounds mean but AIBU to wish DD was more like me?

Backstory:
I was always quite intelligent growing up, loved reading, won scholarships, that sort of thing. I always dreamed of having a daughter with whom I could share my knowledge.
Fast forward 11 years and my DD is anything but what I was like. She says reading is "boring" so I can't share my favourite books with her. And whereas I used to receive glowing teacher reports her's all come back saying she talks too much in class but has potential.
I just wish she would put in more effort. Of course I still love DD but AIBU?

OP posts:

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 31/08/2022 13:40

This foolish desire for a 'mini me' daughter has caused this. Let her be herself. She will find her own path. Trust me she knows how you feel, however much you convince yourself otherwise.

Longleggedgiraffe · 31/08/2022 13:45

YABU.She’s not you, she’s a unique person in her own right. Your DD is at one of the most vulnerable points of her life where even she probably does know what she wants or wants to be. Why is it important for you to have her share your love of reading? As long she can read and her moral compass is pointed in the right direction, you need to let her be herself. Engage with her teachers so she can reach her own potential and her own goals, not yours.

Lovemusic33 · 31/08/2022 13:50

Me and my dd are the opposite, she’s the bright one, acing all tests and exams, loves reading etc.., I struggled at school, couldn’t focus and hated reading. We are the opposite of each other, don’t show many interests at all. It is frustrating some times but everyone is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses . Your dd sounds lovely, she has hobbies, friends and isn’t shy (speaks too much), being able to talk to people is a huge strength 🙂. If we were all the same the world would be a really boring place.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 31/08/2022 13:51

My DC is the living spit of my DH and there is not one crumb of me in there. It did mean when they argued non stop during the teen years because they are so alike, DC and me continued to have a great relationship.

MsTSwift · 31/08/2022 13:56

Dd2 announced loudly “god I hate history soooo boring”. We were in the Medici chapel in Florence at the time which the 3 of us were rather enjoying. Our next stop was Brandi Melville to balance it all out. She gets on much better with some of my friends who work in the fashion industry who think she’s great!

CapMarvel · 31/08/2022 13:59

YAB massively unreasonable.

Do you want a clone of yourself or do you want your daughter to actually find her own way?

Zott · 31/08/2022 14:01

I think a lot of us have gone through this with our kids. Rugby is a much loved sport in our families, DS is fast, strong, very amiable and has been begged to join various teams over the years. His preferred sport is table tennis and he loves anime (can’t spell)! I have found that a tough adjustment. DH is more evolved than me and just smiles and supports him.

On the plus side having a kid with completely different interests to you will open up another world which can be great fun if you go with it.

On the reading front, my DD didn’t get into reading until she was almost 14 (Hunger Games got her going). She is now a complete bookworm which makes me so happy BUT she reads tonnes of dystopian massive trilogy type stuff which I can’t get into at all so it’s not like we sit and discuss what we are reading.

Flamingooooooooooooooo · 31/08/2022 14:03

OP, what were your parents like? Were you exactly like your mother (or father) and into the things they liked?

I have a toddler and I can imagine I'd be upset if she found everything that I liked "boring" when she's older.

On the other hand, I can definitely remember saying this to my own parents when I was a stroppy teen tho. Haha.

FunnysInLaJardin · 31/08/2022 14:03

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 12:47

@edwinbear That's another thing unfortunately, I'm a lawyer and tried to get her into debating but it was apparently 'boring too.

Oh OP, I am a lawyer too and have 2 teen DS's. Do you really think kids are going to be interested in debating as an actual thing?

We have interesting discussions at dinner about all manner of things, but if my DC ever thought it was structured 'debating' they would run a mile!

As others have said, just love her for who she is and accept that she isn't you.

mattressspring · 31/08/2022 14:05

YABU

I would hate for my DC to be a carbon copy of me. They are all very different, from both me, DH, and each other. That's what makes them them.

So what if your DD isn't a reader.

PeasOff · 31/08/2022 14:09

YABVU. Your daughter isn't meant to be a mini clone of you and is a person with her own interests and personality.

Thatswhyimacat · 31/08/2022 14:09

My DF wanted me to be into everything he was. I was actually good at all the exact same things but pushed back because of the expectation and inability to see me as my own person causing me stress.

And sorry OP, but at that age living in the countryside is incredibly boring, I think you were the odd one out there...

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 31/08/2022 14:18

My oldest (DS) was/is not like me or DH. He was lazy and not remotely academic. He scraped (after 3 years of A levels) into a low ranking uni then dropped out.
He's now doing well in the path he chose, and has owned his own (detached) house since age 26. He's 30 now, has lots of interests and activities outside of work and a lovely girlfriend. He found his way. It was a different way than ours, but suited him.
Let your DD find hers.

VeganCow · 31/08/2022 14:22

Your daughter will be on here one day...'aibu to wish my mum had tried to hide her disappointment in me and had accepted me for who I am and not who she wished I was'

Original poster

Namechanged147 · 31/08/2022 14:25

Thanks all

OP posts:

Apl · 31/08/2022 14:26

Is her childhood very similar to yours? If not, she won’t turn out much like you.

I have some similar issues, my husband and I are both quite tough-minded and streetwise and our children are soooooo sensitive, but that’s because we had harder childhoods than they did 🤷‍♀️

If you want your DC to love reading, you’ll have to hide your phone, disconnect internet and read physical books in front of her until she starts imitating you. Prob not worth it.

dmask · 31/08/2022 14:29

Is she an only child, it’s quite a lot of pressure for her and I don’t blame her for not likening the countryside!? Is she anything like her father? I can’t really say that I was like either of my parents, but my parents never really forced their interests on me. When I got older, I did appreciate cricket, some of their music tastes, etc. don’t you want her to go out and form her own interests and opinions?

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 14:33

I voted YABU as she’s her own person but I completely get where you’re coming from.

I often think this about my own DD and then feel guilty about doing so.
I was very confident and tried everything and went everywhere.
Whereas my DD is an introvert and won’t try anything new and hates any sort of change.

I know she’s missing out on so much but I have to remind myself that to her she doesn’t feel she’s missing out as she doesn’t want to do these things.

OverTheRubicon · 31/08/2022 14:34

Like another pp, one of my DCs is a lot like a parent (their dad, in our case), and I think that has a lot of challenges too, with the child bending themselves to fit a mould, and so many people in the family just assuming that their good and bad traits are exactly the same, instead of taking them as their own person.
On the other hand, he and I are very dissimilar and it can be hard sometimes, to try to find the fairly few shared interests as they get older.

It's great that you've given her the support she needs to be confident being herself. And you may be surprised by what you do have in common in the end.

What do you have for now? Maybe you could both enjoy the theatre or musicals - more active than a book, but also very literary. Similarly with debating, if you're a lawyer and she's a chatter then you could be a match made in heaven. If it's social media, I bet she'd love to show you some 'hilarious' tiktoks/youtubes (only if you can try to put any judgement aside, which can be hard with early teens, but is also the best way to learn what she's looking at). Or if she'd actually rather play cricket, then you can bring your book to a match and be the mum who always made it to her games and took the time to learn about spin bowling. She may be older, but your attention still matters a lot.

Ivyy · 31/08/2022 14:34

I find this very sad op, I have a dd the same age and I don't understand wanting a mini me child? Why? Is it a kind of perfect family dream? I think I also feel sad for your dd because I grew up with a dm with very high expectations of me that would fit with her ideals, and she did everything she could to mould me into the daughter she wanted. She still can't accept me the way I am in my 40's, or her grandchildren. It's one of the reasons we have a very poor relationship, to this day I'm still not good enough and sadly she has continued this with her gc!
Not saying you're like that at all op, your words just triggered some sad feelings in me. I love seeing my dd grow into herself as her own unique person, our kids are individuals in their own rights who should have autonomy and encouragement in the things they enjoy doing imo.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 31/08/2022 14:37

This is very sad.

I have a family member whose turned her DD into a mini her... and you know what? She's the most spoilt little brat I've ever met.

Encourage your daughter to do what SHE likes. You don't have kids to make them into a miniature you. Sorry to say.

Sunnytwobridges · 31/08/2022 14:41

I totally get this. I'm a big reader and so was everyone in my family. Some of my fondest memories are of me and my fam sitting around reading together. And me and my DM would discuss the books together. My DD on the other hand is not interested in reading at all. She prefers to be active and doing stuff and I'm not like that at all. It makes me sad that we dont share the love of reading, but I've finally made peace with it (well for the most part lol).

goldfinchfan · 31/08/2022 14:43

I am similar to you OP.
Now my DD is in her 40's the differences between us are even wider.

She is a fairly cold detahed person. I am over emotional and like to connect with other people.
I enjoy lots of different activities, she doesn't.

I really thought that being my child and brought up by me we would be close. We are not.
I do love her but the way she is often hurts me.

I don't even have any advice. She is her. I am me.

dottiedodah · 31/08/2022 15:09

My DD is very different to me too.Not caring for reading(Is that because of phones/computers though,) Not liking Horror films myself she adores them! More scary the better!(Hubby likes them too) She loves White Knuckle rides) We both share a love of Animals though, and love shopping/lunch out.Maybe find some middle ground.Everyone is so different and unique which is to be celebrated .

wafflesandeggs · 31/08/2022 15:14

Why does she need new clothes every 2 weeks?!

I never had much in common with my family growing up because they never made an effort to learn about anything I cared about. If I mentioned an instrument/language/skill, they told me it was a waste of time or money and that was it. Now years later I am learning these things myself.

My parents were also very naive about different career paths. Someone up thread mentioned their son only liking video games and manga. Someone has to create, translate, review, promote, etc these things. If your child has a genuine interest in something then instead of trying to push them away from it, help them going into it deeper and think about how they could incorporate this into their working life, even if only as a side income (multiple possible income streams are a very good thing to set your child up with).

Regarding living in the country, your child might not be away themselves of how important working hard is and what money can get you (or leave you without) or the vast range of possible careers open to them.

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