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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is in serious danger. Please help me.

109 replies

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:27

My friend disclosed to me over the weekend that she is in an abusive relationship. She showed me bruises that she is covered in. A cut. I witnessed verbal abuse and coercive control from her partner. He is new (think less that 3 months in to relationship) and she is so completely under his spell. He has punched her, bitten her, screamed at her so badly that members of the public have had to get involved. I spoke to the police and they have been brilliant and are looking to arrest him. Other people who witnessed the incidents over the weekend have also reported to police which is why I think they're taking it so seriously. She is furious that a police report has been made. She's cutting all her friends off (I don't judge her or resent her for this, she needs help and is clearly scared). Her children are witnessing all of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't text her because he looks at her phone. She's messaged me asking me to tell anyone who asks that she is fine and that she doesn't want her kids to be taken away. I'm just exhausted and don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm worried he is going to kill her. Please help me mumsnet. My brain has stopped working properly and I can't think straight.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/08/2022 21:29

Phone NSPCC.

If she won’t protect her children then you do.

MarinoRoyale · 30/08/2022 21:29

Report to social services, anonymously if needed. If she can’t or won’t protect herself, someone should protect the kids. Hopefully it’ll give her a wake up call.

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:29

I've already spoken to her local SS. Police will have too.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 21:30

Leave it in the hands of the police.

StepAwayFromTheScales · 30/08/2022 21:31

You have 2 choices. 1. Do nothing and hope he changes (he won't, I guarantee it) or 2. You report to Social Services immediately and get help. She has reached out to you, don't turn your back by being scared of being the messenger

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 30/08/2022 21:31

I'm pleased you've spoken to ss. Make sure her family know what is going on and just be there for her when she hopefully wakes up and needs a friend to help pick up the pieces.

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:32

I'm not scared of losing her as a friend. I have reported to SS. I have given a formal statement to police. I've spoken to her family. She is furious with me but I don't care. I am just so scared for her and can't believe how quickly this has all happened.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 21:33

She won’t lose her kids unless she refuses to give the DP up. She needs to comply with SS when they get involved.

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:34

KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 21:33

She won’t lose her kids unless she refuses to give the DP up. She needs to comply with SS when they get involved.

I hope she does so badly.

OP posts:
AceSpades54321 · 30/08/2022 21:36

Try and somehow get video/photo evidence of her injuries, I promise you it will be invaluable for a conviction at a later date. He needs to be locked up to protect your friend and any other women he could abuse after her.

morningwaffles · 30/08/2022 21:37

This is awful for both her and you. Continue being her ally.

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:37

AceSpades54321 · 30/08/2022 21:36

Try and somehow get video/photo evidence of her injuries, I promise you it will be invaluable for a conviction at a later date. He needs to be locked up to protect your friend and any other women he could abuse after her.

I took photos without her knowing this weekend and they are with the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:37

I have literally covered ever single base. Just feel really helpless and frustrated.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 30/08/2022 21:38

Awful situation and your friend will need your support even if right now you are public enemy one in her eyes. Her children WILL be taken into protective custody if she doesn't get away from this piece of excrement. Hope the police act quickly

StayWeird · 30/08/2022 21:39

You sound like a wonderful friend Flowers

Unfortunately you cannot make someone leave an abusive relationship. You've done the best thing by reporting to the police/SS.

The national domestic abuse helpline may be able to give more advice on 0808 2000 247.

Otherwise she will just need someone to be there for her, as hard as it is right now, she'll really need a good friend.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/08/2022 21:39

Have you considered letting the children's partner know - or was he abusive as well?
If she is not able to take care of the children, maybe he is a better option than SS?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/08/2022 21:39

@Tarabavah you sound like a great friend xx

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:40

ThinWomansBrain · 30/08/2022 21:39

Have you considered letting the children's partner know - or was he abusive as well?
If she is not able to take care of the children, maybe he is a better option than SS?

The children's dad isn't around, however I've been in contact with her family who I know will want to get her away from him.

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 30/08/2022 21:42

You've done everything you can. Are there friends and family you can talk to? Is there any family that can temporarily take the children if needed? Maybe speak to SS about that possibility and what the process might be.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/08/2022 21:42

sorry meant to write " children's father" - I was going to phrase it as "her former partner" - changed my mind part way through (but didn't correct it all - too many hours at a computer screen today)

cestlavielife · 30/08/2022 21:42

You hzve reported to police and ss you have done what you can
You can also report to safeguarding lead at the kids school

Ship · 30/08/2022 21:42

You sound like an amazing friend. Your friend obviously knows she’s in an abusive relationship if she’s spoken to you about it and shown you bruises. If she then refuses to protect her kids, it’s totally the right thing for you to do it and contact social services and police. She might be furious but if the kids are in danger and she won’t leave him then you have no choice. They have to come first. You are a really good friend

Original poster
Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:45

VaggieMight · 30/08/2022 21:42

You've done everything you can. Are there friends and family you can talk to? Is there any family that can temporarily take the children if needed? Maybe speak to SS about that possibility and what the process might be.

I live the other side of the country to her so not sure of her friendship groups sadly.

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 30/08/2022 21:46

She's introduced her kids to an abusive man less than 3 months after starting a relationship with him.
You're a lovely friend OP, but she has acted incredibly stupidly.

GretaVanFleet · 30/08/2022 21:49

I’m not sure whether she has to do it or someone else can but could she be convinced to do a request to the police under Clare’s Law which could potentially show that he has a history of this kind of behaviour?

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