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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is in serious danger. Please help me.

109 replies

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:27

My friend disclosed to me over the weekend that she is in an abusive relationship. She showed me bruises that she is covered in. A cut. I witnessed verbal abuse and coercive control from her partner. He is new (think less that 3 months in to relationship) and she is so completely under his spell. He has punched her, bitten her, screamed at her so badly that members of the public have had to get involved. I spoke to the police and they have been brilliant and are looking to arrest him. Other people who witnessed the incidents over the weekend have also reported to police which is why I think they're taking it so seriously. She is furious that a police report has been made. She's cutting all her friends off (I don't judge her or resent her for this, she needs help and is clearly scared). Her children are witnessing all of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't text her because he looks at her phone. She's messaged me asking me to tell anyone who asks that she is fine and that she doesn't want her kids to be taken away. I'm just exhausted and don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm worried he is going to kill her. Please help me mumsnet. My brain has stopped working properly and I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 30/08/2022 23:04

Please, please, think of your children - a 'relationship' of 3 months is nothing and your poor kids deserve better!

kateandme · 30/08/2022 23:12

Are Boots still doing their thing for the code for help?
how is your relationship with him?
dies he know people no?
is their a possibility of inviting her for a girls (and kids) weekend?would he no,let her go?

kateandme · 30/08/2022 23:12

Canthave2manycats · 30/08/2022 23:04

Please, please, think of your children - a 'relationship' of 3 months is nothing and your poor kids deserve better!

?

Chlo5ten · 30/08/2022 23:13

Hey
Speaking from experience I know how horrendous this situation is. You've been amazing and done everything right. You can request through Claire law to get his report. It will tell you if he has any previous. Any one can do this if they are concerned about someone's welfare.
Your friend rn will feel trapped. He will 100% be threatening to do disgusting, horrendous things if she speaks to anyone or leaves him. Talking to the police and SS won't make her feel safe.
I had police, social workers, alarms on y House a non molestation order, school involved a key worker and he STILL followed me, sexually assaulted me, came to my house etc.
Just being there like you have will be everything to her right now.
Unless you've experienced the fear, entrapment and fear of losing your children your never know how it feels.
If it was easy to "just leave" then girls would. Message me of you want advise or support hun
❤️💕

disconnecteddrifter · 30/08/2022 23:15

This happened to me but over a longer time. One time I was up all nigjt he threatened to kill me and my friend told me if I didn't go to thr police she would to protect my children. She gave me an hour to call thr police. I called the police.

oakleaffy · 30/08/2022 23:17

@Tarabavah
Nothing is as deeply frustrating as having a friend who is under the spell of an abusive little shit.

However, your friend just won't see it that way, even if he was to split her scalp open and it need metal staples in it.. ''He didn't mean it, the cup flew from his hand''

These creeps also play the ''Long game''...if their victim gets away, the creep lures the victim back in, often using a shared animal, often a dog, as bait.

I intervened with two friends with violent partners, and in both cases, the victim went back with the men, even though one of the men hit me so hard that he broke his hand , and he burned me with a cigarette as he burned her.

He went to the hospital, with my friend, and she said that he'd been in a fight with a man, not that he'd punched a teenaged girl hard in the head.

These creeps seem to exert an almost magnetic pull to otherwise sensible women..

It is a job for the professionals, not mere 'Friends'

Oh and yes, these creeps hurt children.
I witnessed that, too.

oakleaffy · 30/08/2022 23:20

Chlo5ten · 30/08/2022 23:13

Hey
Speaking from experience I know how horrendous this situation is. You've been amazing and done everything right. You can request through Claire law to get his report. It will tell you if he has any previous. Any one can do this if they are concerned about someone's welfare.
Your friend rn will feel trapped. He will 100% be threatening to do disgusting, horrendous things if she speaks to anyone or leaves him. Talking to the police and SS won't make her feel safe.
I had police, social workers, alarms on y House a non molestation order, school involved a key worker and he STILL followed me, sexually assaulted me, came to my house etc.
Just being there like you have will be everything to her right now.
Unless you've experienced the fear, entrapment and fear of losing your children your never know how it feels.
If it was easy to "just leave" then girls would. Message me of you want advise or support hun
❤️💕

I'm so glad you got away..
I couldn't understand why my friends went back repeatedly to these little shits, but your post partly explains why.

Well done for escaping...And not going back.

oakleaffy · 30/08/2022 23:27

EmeraldShamrock1 · 30/08/2022 21:57

Unfortunately only she will decide when enough is enough if she's lucky to have the choice before he kills her.

I'm sorry you've been put in the situation, you've done all you can.

Going forward let the police and ss deal with it and say nothing else about it to her.

Keep yourself safe too, he'll look for someone else to blame when it falls apart.

This.
''Keep yourself safe''.

It really IS a job for professionals like Social services and police, these men get very nasty indeed if they think you are 'Leading their partner away'.

Mariposista · 30/08/2022 23:55

You have done the right thing. Let the police and SS do their job. She will now have to choose between this f-wit man or her kids. Let’s hope she makes the right choice.

Eloise38 · 31/08/2022 00:31

@Leafy3 What an amazing help you were to your friend - I take my hat off to you. You've given some great advice for the OP and all of us to take note of, thank you.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 31/08/2022 00:36

@Tarabavah Do you know which schools the children go to. Ping an email to the designated safeguarding details which should be on the website. Social services / police/ school should notify one another but sometimes theres a back log especially during school holidays when this type of behaviour escalates. If the school knows directly they can keep an eye on the children and offer support from there end.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 01:52

There is surely a difference though between a woman who has systematically been broken down over a period and one who has thrown all caution to the wind and become involved with a man she knew had done time for violence and introduced them to her children within 3 months.

in fact while she absolutely needs to be encouraged to leave, to put someone who has shown such a shocking lack of judgement in the same category as women who take years to leave an abusive relationship is incredibly offensive.

Marvellousmadness · 31/08/2022 02:01

File a police report
And call ss

She is beyond saving
But her kids need to be rescued from being with her.

Tromboleese · 31/08/2022 02:52

You’re a wonderful friend, op and have done all you can.

great post from @Leafy3 also a fantastic friend.

Blizzardbeach · 31/08/2022 02:53

The.likelihood of him killing her is massive. 3 months in, and this?
No, this is as serious as it gets.
Well done for making the steps you have to protect her and her children

Theneverendingtories · 31/08/2022 02:55

As someone who’s been in this situation before . Thank you. I’ve worked my way through this lifestyle , covered up for a an abuser for so long . And when someone ‘outed ‘ us I felt genuine anger and felt betrayed because my perfect illusion was broken I was livid . Months on, being forced to face it I was was a different woman and I’ve had a fantastic free life from that man , main things are : I’m in control of my own money and our finances which is mind blowing without his addiction , my kids have massive respect for me now , and we do what we want , when we want , I suspect my daughters will chose much better men now. We very much live our best life now . X

sashh · 31/08/2022 03:33

You have done the right thing OP.

Step back, tell her you will be there when she wants to talk and you will always support her.

Before he laid his hands on her he will have done a job on her mentally.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/08/2022 05:08

I not sure there is any more you can do. You have to hope the authorities will act now and that she and her DC will be made safe. She may thank you in time.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2022 05:27

Well done Op.
Her anger at you is just an expression of fear.

Pipsquiggle · 31/08/2022 06:54

Sounds like you have done everything you you can

You have contacted the police, ss and her family.

If you know which school her DC go to, I would inform them as well.

I hope you friend gets out ASAP and her and her DC are safe. Sounds like this relationship has escalate so dangerously so quickly

anotherscroller · 31/08/2022 07:46

GretaVanFleet · 30/08/2022 21:49

I’m not sure whether she has to do it or someone else can but could she be convinced to do a request to the police under Clare’s Law which could potentially show that he has a history of this kind of behaviour?

Great idea

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 07:46

Wow, she knew he had a violent past, and was prepared to put her kids at risk!
I hope social services intervene..

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 07:52

mycatisannoying · 30/08/2022 21:46

She's introduced her kids to an abusive man less than 3 months after starting a relationship with him.
You're a lovely friend OP, but she has acted incredibly stupidly.

We call that 'victim blaming' in these parts. On no account must we question her utterly brain dead decisions. The kids need to go somewhere else.

MumofSpud · 31/08/2022 07:53

Why did she show you her bruises etc when she doesn't want anything to change - surely this means that at some level she is asking for help?

Dodosdoingit · 31/08/2022 07:55

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 01:52

There is surely a difference though between a woman who has systematically been broken down over a period and one who has thrown all caution to the wind and become involved with a man she knew had done time for violence and introduced them to her children within 3 months.

in fact while she absolutely needs to be encouraged to leave, to put someone who has shown such a shocking lack of judgement in the same category as women who take years to leave an abusive relationship is incredibly offensive.

^This^
12 weeks in and the children in the thick of it, is very different from a woman who has been in a relationship that has slowly shifted ground.
I hope she'll realize that the easiest way of not worrying about having her kids taken away, is put their needs before her wants.