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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My friend is in serious danger. Please help me.

109 replies

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:27

My friend disclosed to me over the weekend that she is in an abusive relationship. She showed me bruises that she is covered in. A cut. I witnessed verbal abuse and coercive control from her partner. He is new (think less that 3 months in to relationship) and she is so completely under his spell. He has punched her, bitten her, screamed at her so badly that members of the public have had to get involved. I spoke to the police and they have been brilliant and are looking to arrest him. Other people who witnessed the incidents over the weekend have also reported to police which is why I think they're taking it so seriously. She is furious that a police report has been made. She's cutting all her friends off (I don't judge her or resent her for this, she needs help and is clearly scared). Her children are witnessing all of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't text her because he looks at her phone. She's messaged me asking me to tell anyone who asks that she is fine and that she doesn't want her kids to be taken away. I'm just exhausted and don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm worried he is going to kill her. Please help me mumsnet. My brain has stopped working properly and I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 30/08/2022 21:52

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:37

I have literally covered ever single base. Just feel really helpless and frustrated.

You are amazing

Well done for doing this

As someone who has been the victim please know your Friend can't think straight now but she will and you have helped her out hugely xxxxxx

HipsterCoffeeShop · 30/08/2022 21:53

You've been a really good friend OP.

I'm sure she's furious but given time she will realise you acted in the best interest of her children. You've done everything you could - honestly no one could have done more. It's up to the police and social services now.

Queenie6655 · 30/08/2022 21:53

mycatisannoying · 30/08/2022 21:46

She's introduced her kids to an abusive man less than 3 months after starting a relationship with him.
You're a lovely friend OP, but she has acted incredibly stupidly.

In some ways I agree

He may however not allow her to leave him
Or threaten. To do something if she ends the relationship

He sounds vile

Poor her and those innocent kids

Op thank you for stocking up for them

Greyarea12 · 30/08/2022 21:54

You sound like a wonderful friend and in time, once she is away from this man and has healed, she will thank you for being the wonderful friend that you are.

You have done all the right things. Leave it in the hands of the police now and SS. Just keep checking in with her, if possible, and if not, if you feel comfortable, check in with her family. ❤️

Sswhinesthebest · 30/08/2022 21:55

Ooh good luck.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 30/08/2022 21:57

Unfortunately only she will decide when enough is enough if she's lucky to have the choice before he kills her.

I'm sorry you've been put in the situation, you've done all you can.

Going forward let the police and ss deal with it and say nothing else about it to her.

Keep yourself safe too, he'll look for someone else to blame when it falls apart.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 30/08/2022 21:57

It’s horrible but you can’t do anything else. You have told the relevant authorities and gave them evidence. Text her and say you will always be there no matter what and leave it at that. Don’t badmouth him or tell her to leave in the text.

Greyarea12 · 30/08/2022 21:58

GretaVanFleet · 30/08/2022 21:49

I’m not sure whether she has to do it or someone else can but could she be convinced to do a request to the police under Clare’s Law which could potentially show that he has a history of this kind of behaviour?

@Tarabavah I'm sure her family can do this. Worthwhile looking into and letting them know.

Leafy3 · 30/08/2022 21:59

Speak to Womens Aid, have a good long look at the pages on Refuge too.

Refuge have loads of brilliant info and advice for getting out of these situations safely and for supporting a friend to do the same. They cover all aspects of making a plan in secret - including safe/danger code words, getting important docs out, getting help with children etc.

www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-violence-protection-orders/

The NCDV is a charity that will sort out a free restraining order for her when she's ready. Make sure it had powers of arrest attached.

Her partner won't know anything about it until its served and if you liaise with the local police they can agree to be nearby out of sight at the time to make sure he doesn't kick off. If you've spoken to the police from this latest incident, keep a note of a contact name and number - hopefully someone from the 'dv' department.

It takes time for someone to be able to leave and its far from straightforward. How you can help her is by doing as much research as you can so you can reassure her and allay her fears as they come up. Give her the facts and info of all the help and tools available to get him out of their lives when she's ready to hear them.

Reassure her that you know its scary and you'll support her whatever she chooses to do. He takes control from her so your job is to ensure she feels in control of the process of detaching.

She might not leave successfully at first, that's quite normal. It takes many women more than one attempt.

Try not to appear a threat to him - be pleasant when you see him. Let her know you're always there.

I helped a friend get out and was their liason point with the police, dv charities and solicitors which helped her a lot. I got her a secret phone, we agreed a pass code that she code remember under severe stress and when scared and we set it up to look like mine so if he did get into it we could pass it off as my work phone.

It contained my number and the detective's number amongst other key support figures. We had a phrase/word so that when we spoke she could let me know if he was there and couldn't speak freely. We also had a code word she could use to tell me she was in danger and need help now. Her phone also contained the what3words app so I and emergency services could locate her accurately.

The biggest barrier for my friend at every step of the process was fear. We reassured her she could change her mind and every stage, that we'd figure out another way of doing things. It was about constant reassurance and giving her the control - making sure she knew the choices were hers and not mine (I'd have had him arrested the first night and the key thrown away).

I provided evidence that went as witnessed by me in the non molestation order.

I look after irreplaceable personal items and important documents for her that she was able to sneak out the house.

It took about 18m in total from when I first found out about him, but only a few weeks from when she reached the point she was prepared to leave which was when we put all the above in place. At all times I let her know I wasn't judging her and made sure she was OK to continue.

If your friends biggest barrier is her fear of losing her children, then one of the best things you can do is find out facts about what might happen so you can reassure her and prepare for what involvement the authorities will want.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/08/2022 22:00

You're a fantastic friend and even if she's not happy that you've involved services, she will thank you one day.
You've done everything possible so don't feel helpless You've acted in your friend and her DC best interests

Viviennemary · 30/08/2022 22:03

You have done all you can and reported it to the authorities. I dont know what anyone on MN can do when nobody here knows the identity of this woman. The only thing you can do is ring the police again and say you fear your friend is at risk of very serious harm and they need to act before it's too late.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/08/2022 22:12

You're a great friend and hopefully one day she'll be very grateful to you. As will her kids.

You've done what you can. It can surely only be a matter of time before she realises.

Just hope she manages to get herself and her kids out.

CountessWindyBottom · 30/08/2022 22:13

Your poor friend. She may not actually be in a position to leave and even if she has expressed a wish that she wants to, DV normally escalates if there is even a sniff of the victim wishing to do so. What have her family said about this? When are her children back at school? There's a safeguarding issue here for their sakes. I think I would phone Women's Refuge, as suggested before, and ask for advice on next steps. You are a good friend and I can understand how you don't want to just hope for the best. It's alarming that he could be so brutal three months into a fledgling relationship, you're right to be worried.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 30/08/2022 22:16

You may not feel it tonight op but you really are a bloody fantastic friend.. When my now exh was trying to kill me at our home - dc also there - I managed to ring my mate. He ripped the phone from the wall. It had rang enough for her to realise something was wrong an she sent the police..
Those dc may be counting on you too op.
Hopefully things work out well quickly..

Thelnebriati · 30/08/2022 22:18

I'm sorry you have been put in this situation, but you also need to take steps to protect yourself from him now. There's a risk she will rat you out to him in an attempt to deflect his violence. Please talk to the police and Women's Aid, and take care.

allboysherebutme · 30/08/2022 22:23

Don't listen to her, she is not okay ignore her and let the authorities do what is best for her children, if he wants to lose her children over a stupid man she's only known three months, then she is very silly. X

PriamFarrl · 30/08/2022 22:25

You are an amazing friend. Those children need your help and it sounds like they are getting it. Thank you.

Badger1970 · 30/08/2022 22:28

Honestly, she's put her kids let alone herself at risk and without taking any time to get to know someone. That's eye wateringly scary, OP. Has she behaved like this before?

JessesMum777888 · 30/08/2022 22:29

She won’t listen yet. She’s being abused therefore her mindset isn’t right.
just be there for her , please don’t desert her because she’s frustrating you. She will need you at some point. I hope sooner rather than later.

FAQs · 30/08/2022 22:29

You’ve done everything you can she might need ongoing support, does she have access to emergency funds if she needs a hotel escape?

Dibbydoos · 30/08/2022 22:29

Hi OP,

Firstly well done. You really are a great friend but your friend is showing signs of being reliant on him such is the coercive control he has so has no perception of reality and the danger she is in.

Sadly woman in these types of relationships can't easily break free. They lose themselves, which is why so many are killed/disabled/maimed by the partner.

I hope she eventually realises how much help you have given her.

The only thing that helped me when I was in an abusive relationship - I broke-free luckily - was getting a court order with a power of arrest. I just went to the magustrates court and spoke to an clerk of court who was empathetic cos his daughter was going through the same. That week of complete peace helped me reset and sort things out.

I would still message her as normal, unless this is the trigger and would give him a reason to hurt her....

How terrible. I wonder how people are brought up and make such bad choices to behave like this man. Sadly, like I said he's not alone....

Sending a big hug xxx

FionaMacCool · 30/08/2022 22:34

Badger1970 · 30/08/2022 22:28

Honestly, she's put her kids let alone herself at risk and without taking any time to get to know someone. That's eye wateringly scary, OP. Has she behaved like this before?

Oh please. leave off with sliding into victim-blaming..... the woman's partner should not be abusive, he shouldn't bite her, he shouldn't frighten children, he shouldn't hit her. Has he behaved like this before?
That's what is eye waveringly scary.

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 22:39

GretaVanFleet · 30/08/2022 21:49

I’m not sure whether she has to do it or someone else can but could she be convinced to do a request to the police under Clare’s Law which could potentially show that he has a history of this kind of behaviour?

She knows he has been to prison for violence before

OP posts:
Mum5net · 30/08/2022 22:42

Can you remind her by text how she can dial 999 to order a fake pizza. I can't remember the other safety schemes. Others might. Wonderful friend.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2022 22:42

💐