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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is in serious danger. Please help me.

109 replies

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:27

My friend disclosed to me over the weekend that she is in an abusive relationship. She showed me bruises that she is covered in. A cut. I witnessed verbal abuse and coercive control from her partner. He is new (think less that 3 months in to relationship) and she is so completely under his spell. He has punched her, bitten her, screamed at her so badly that members of the public have had to get involved. I spoke to the police and they have been brilliant and are looking to arrest him. Other people who witnessed the incidents over the weekend have also reported to police which is why I think they're taking it so seriously. She is furious that a police report has been made. She's cutting all her friends off (I don't judge her or resent her for this, she needs help and is clearly scared). Her children are witnessing all of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't text her because he looks at her phone. She's messaged me asking me to tell anyone who asks that she is fine and that she doesn't want her kids to be taken away. I'm just exhausted and don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm worried he is going to kill her. Please help me mumsnet. My brain has stopped working properly and I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Dodosdoingit · 31/08/2022 08:03

MumofSpud · 31/08/2022 07:53

Why did she show you her bruises etc when she doesn't want anything to change - surely this means that at some level she is asking for help?

You'd hope that it's a way of seeking help, but some people seek attention wanting to be cared about, rather than help to end the situation that gets others to care.

ScamelaAnderson · 31/08/2022 08:05

Please as fellow women, don't victim blame especially if you have never been in this situation. It is extremely difficult to extricate yourself - I do know. It's very frightening to have a man around like this, you believe what he says and they are very powerful. It sounds like it is her house and he probably doesn't work so is there a lot. He will manipulate you and the situation. He may be using the kids against her and surprisingly enough may be very very nice to her to keep her on his side.
Until you have walked a mile in her shoes, please don't judge her, but support her to get rid of him

anotherscroller · 31/08/2022 08:08

ScamelaAnderson · 31/08/2022 08:05

Please as fellow women, don't victim blame especially if you have never been in this situation. It is extremely difficult to extricate yourself - I do know. It's very frightening to have a man around like this, you believe what he says and they are very powerful. It sounds like it is her house and he probably doesn't work so is there a lot. He will manipulate you and the situation. He may be using the kids against her and surprisingly enough may be very very nice to her to keep her on his side.
Until you have walked a mile in her shoes, please don't judge her, but support her to get rid of him

Also can be great in bed!
might be the best sex ever? No one has ever said such beautiful things to her?
it can happen to anyone. Do not victim blame indeed.

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:13

This accusation of victim blaming shit is thrown around so often it has become completely meaningless!
Stop trying to excuse women who are prepared to put their children at risk because they’re desperate for a man in their lives!

anotherscroller · 31/08/2022 08:15

@Vegasbaby1 have you experienced it yourself?
if not then…
I agree with you though, but it’s not as simple as that.

LuftBalloons · 31/08/2022 08:15

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:37

I have literally covered ever single base. Just feel really helpless and frustrated.

Is there any way you could get a key to your house to her, so that if she runs, she has somewhere to run to ?

Revolvingwhore · 31/08/2022 08:20

anotherscroller · 31/08/2022 08:15

@Vegasbaby1 have you experienced it yourself?
if not then…
I agree with you though, but it’s not as simple as that.

I'm guessing Vegasbaby1 hasn't met a man she knew was violent and within three months moved him in to her be with her kids. You've got to have your priorities pretty messed up to do that.

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:22

@anotherscroller No I haven’t! What a ridiculous argument. Nobody would ever have an opinion on anything that they haven’t experienced first hand!

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 08:26

I feel very sorry for women who have no family or friends and slowly get trapped in an abusive relationship.

Much less sorry for someone who has concerned friends and family but who still actively chooses to stay in a 3 month relationship with someone she knew was violent before she dated him. And drags her children into it.

Not buying it, sorry.

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:27

I’m surprised we haven’t had the be kind huns on the thread yet!

Rinatinabina · 31/08/2022 08:30

You are an amazing friend. She may not see that for a while but you are. Hope your friend and her children are safe soon.

Agadoodoododont · 31/08/2022 08:39

You’ve given a police statement.
You've handed over photographic evidence.
You’ve contacted SS.
You’re in contact with her family.
You’ve done everything you can for now. This is about her and her children, so best to stay on the sidelines until your friend realises she needs you.
Hopefully others gave police statements too. If she realises he’s scum and cuts contact all should be ok. If she prioritises him SS will take legal steps to protect the children.

Naturella · 31/08/2022 08:41

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:27

I’m surprised we haven’t had the be kind huns on the thread yet!

Oh yes! It's so annoying when people are kind isn't it!! Think we should ban all people who advocate kindness immediately! 🤔

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:48

@Naturella Yes, when it means shutting down opinions, usually women’s.

This be kind shit is always aimed at women and girls, like we’re a hive mind. who should never question other women’s decisions and hold them to account for their behaviour.
Fuck that!

Sunflowerkeep · 31/08/2022 08:49

Tarabavah · 30/08/2022 21:27

My friend disclosed to me over the weekend that she is in an abusive relationship. She showed me bruises that she is covered in. A cut. I witnessed verbal abuse and coercive control from her partner. He is new (think less that 3 months in to relationship) and she is so completely under his spell. He has punched her, bitten her, screamed at her so badly that members of the public have had to get involved. I spoke to the police and they have been brilliant and are looking to arrest him. Other people who witnessed the incidents over the weekend have also reported to police which is why I think they're taking it so seriously. She is furious that a police report has been made. She's cutting all her friends off (I don't judge her or resent her for this, she needs help and is clearly scared). Her children are witnessing all of this and I just don't know what to do. I can't text her because he looks at her phone. She's messaged me asking me to tell anyone who asks that she is fine and that she doesn't want her kids to be taken away. I'm just exhausted and don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I'm worried he is going to kill her. Please help me mumsnet. My brain has stopped working properly and I can't think straight.

If we has kids and is allowing this then report her. Sorry but it's not on and those children deserve better. No man should come before children

Sunflowerkeep · 31/08/2022 08:50

Sunflowerkeep · 31/08/2022 08:49

If we has kids and is allowing this then report her. Sorry but it's not on and those children deserve better. No man should come before children

Show quote history

Sorry meant report the abuse for her and protect those children.

butterpuffed · 31/08/2022 08:55

You are a fantastic friend , OP , and it must be soul destroying that you can't get in touch with her.

I'm sure , as the Police have had several reports , that they will know about his time in prison for violence , and will take it seriously. Frustrating as it is for you , I think you have to let them and SS deal with it , and I know you'll be there for her .

Dodosdoingit · 31/08/2022 08:59

Difference between victim blaming and recognizing that some people have poor judgement or MH issues that lead them to create and cling to situations and other people's behavior that knowingly places their children at risk.

Judging is important when trying to protect children that a parent is actively trying to cover up the danger they're in, that they're responsible for.

Not about blaming and finger pointing, it's
recognizing this isn't a slowly groomed mother. It's one that's makes poor choices and is continuing to, and needs intervention because she's unable to care for her children right now, and both she and them are in danger.

Danger she wants them to stay in, so she can have them and him and all that entails.

Brideandpredjudice · 31/08/2022 09:00

Just coming on to say that you're a great friend OP and she's so lucky to have someone like you in her life!

Lovemusic33 · 31/08/2022 09:06

First thing I would do is report to social services, she has a choice about leaving, her kids do not and they are at risk. Maybe the fact that she could have her kids taken from her will make her leave? I know it sounds harsh but I have been in her position and stupidly I thought my kids would not be at risk, I was totally brain washed by him and until he verbally abused my daughter I wouldn’t leave (I was stupid). As soon as the police were involved I was told if I had him back social services would be called. I didn’t allow him back and I had a injunction so he couldn’t come near us. My family and friends were a huge support but I didn’t take much help from them as I was ashamed, I felt stupid for allowing someone like this into my DC’s life and allow him to abuse me, it was something I had to deal with mainly alone.

Please call social services and be there for your friend when she eventually sees the light.

BeggarsMeddle · 31/08/2022 09:10

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 08:27

I’m surprised we haven’t had the be kind huns on the thread yet!

They'd obviously be wasting their time on you and all the righteous others like you.

What are you doing in the real world to help educate and prevent, as best as possible, women from putting themselves, and their children, in danger?

I'm guessing... sweet FA.

skyeisthelimit · 31/08/2022 09:11

I think you have done everything that you can so far, and you need to keep on reporting etc and not back your friend up in hiding it.

3 months is not a relationship, she barely knows him. She needs to get out now while she can and if the police are taking it this seriously then they know that he is a danger to her and the kids.

I hope that SS do take them away from her for their own protection.

If she manages to break free, then help her to access counselling to build up her self esteem.

Vegasbaby1 · 31/08/2022 09:18

@BeggarsMeddle Why on earth would it be my job to educate women about choosing violent men over the welfare of their children. What utter horseshit! Get over yourself.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 09:34

Fgs, we need to stop making excuses for these women who put their children at risk like this.

the man is responsible for abusing the woman, but a woman introducing children to a man with a violent past bad enough that he’s been to prison is shit parenting. If that is victim blaming then so be it.

Even if she gets away from this relationship social services should be involved in the safeguarding of her children.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/08/2022 09:47

LuftBalloons · 31/08/2022 08:15

Is there any way you could get a key to your house to her, so that if she runs, she has somewhere to run to ?

Show quote history

NO!! The abusive arsehole could get hold of it.