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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lighthearted !! Just done the best fart ever

134 replies

oldstudentmum · 30/08/2022 20:07

As the title says my youngest has been spraying air freshener and gagged. I’m so proud (and laughing). I am sat on my own in kitchen now .

My eldest 25 has just come into the kitchen complaining about the air fryer not being cleaned. Omg it smells like the drains. What the fuck did I eat the tinned ham could not have produced this .

25 yr old is looking at me with a look of I know it’s you and got his 8 yr old brother out to ask him something!! 8yr old knows about my excessive flatulent arse had smelled it earlier and has decamped to front room., refusing to come into kitchen he still has air freshener in his hand.

just gone to loo checked underwear fine , sprayed everywhere with Marc Jacob as the smell was clinging. It was so hot when I farted I thought I may have singed my minge this is the worse. Thank god I’m single or perhaps this is the reason I’m single ?

Anyway it seems to be calming down I’m sharing it on mumsnet as I’m really proud and don’t want to share anywhere else like Facebook as my friends and family will think I’m disgusting and may share it. But here my arse is anonymous and no one I know can judge me!!

OP posts:
menopausalbloat · 06/09/2022 18:05

Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld · 30/08/2022 21:40

I was at the stage where I refused to fart in front of dp (I do kiss those days) when we where sat watching tv-me,him,my dd,her boyfriend and the dog
i let one go-deep into the sofa-and fuck me,it stank-of raw meat and biscuits
massive sorry to the poor dog who got the blame

i suffer from period farts at least three times a year-I was laid in bed,feeling very sorry for myself and blowing off when my dp walked in
the smell was that evil,he spent the rest of the evening in the garden and refused to come near me for the next 48 hours in case they came back

one evening I ate a tesco ready meal curry
the next day i couldn’t stop farting-it was every few minutes and STANK of shitty curry
i work in fast food-in the dining area-and we had well over 200 complaints about the smell of curry
we don’t sell curry-we sell burgers
this was over 4 years ago and my boss still brings it up-he blames the drains…

I love a good fart…

Just pissed myself.😝

Mama2910 · 06/09/2022 18:15

This thread is making me laugh so much. I love a good fart in private but I CAN'T and WON'T fart in front of my husband (been together 12 years) or my sons aged 5 and 7. I honestly think it goes back to when I was small and my mum never farted in front of us, ever. So growing up I always just thought ladies don't do that. I would always leave the room or go to toilet. It's like a mental block. I just can't bring myself to. My husband wouldn't mind or wouldn't find it disgusting but I can't break my 12 year steak I'd be mortified. Wish I could 😭🤣

Bubblebubblebah · 06/09/2022 18:38

I rather fart sitting down than trying to leave the room making pft pft pft noises 😂

Yeah, family upbringing can do stuff like that@Mama2910
If you wnat to break the curse, just eat a bowl of freh non pasteurised sauerkraut😂

PinkRiceKrispies · 06/09/2022 18:58

Love this thread, please keep the stories coming. Love a good blow off!

IOMmumma · 06/09/2022 19:55

This thread has made me dig out my mumsnet password. So funny! My nana used to love a good loud fart. She used to live in an apartment below my uncle. The boiler was in the cellar so my uncle was showing the boiler man where it was. All was silent for a second before a massive fart was heard from above followed by several walking farts , followed by hoots of laughter by my Nan. Legend.

QueenoftheFarts · 06/09/2022 21:47

I feel like I've found my tribe!

When husband and I were first dating I claimed that I simply didn't fart. About two weeks in I bent under my desk to reach something and my rectum utterly betrayed me. He's been cracking jokes about me not farting for the last 30 years.

This morning I accidently let one go on him whole we were in flagrante.... He doesn't seem to care... probably because his own farts are evil. He particularly likes to crop dust in shops and then loudly blame me.

Once I was at work and realised something big was brewing but I hardly dared get up from my seat.... so I pushed down into the office chair and thankfully it seemed to just quietly vanish. Half an hour later I got up to go to the coffee machine and fanny farted the length of the office. It was loud, triumphant, and I had absolutely no control over it. I learned then that the law of physics dictates that the gas has to go somewhere... even if its up another hole. It stank.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 06/09/2022 22:13

HermioneIsMyHomegirl · 30/08/2022 22:06

In my late teens I went for dinner & a piss up with some friends, and picked something very heavy on garlic. Next day I joined my parents in the car for a scenic drive and let out a quiet one.

My mother signed contentedly and asked my dad, 'can you smell the wild garlic?'

Never confessed.

Reminds me of Marcus Brigstocke and his 😆

CandidaAlbicans2 · 06/09/2022 22:17

HermioneIsMyHomegirl · 30/08/2022 22:06

In my late teens I went for dinner & a piss up with some friends, and picked something very heavy on garlic. Next day I joined my parents in the car for a scenic drive and let out a quiet one.

My mother signed contentedly and asked my dad, 'can you smell the wild garlic?'

Never confessed.

Gah, I'll try again 🙄
It reminds me of Marcus Brigstocke and his biltong farts

😆
CandidaAlbicans2 · 06/09/2022 22:22

I'll just dump this here 😉😁

Fuckitydoodah · 06/09/2022 22:37

QueenoftheFarts · 06/09/2022 21:47

I feel like I've found my tribe!

When husband and I were first dating I claimed that I simply didn't fart. About two weeks in I bent under my desk to reach something and my rectum utterly betrayed me. He's been cracking jokes about me not farting for the last 30 years.

This morning I accidently let one go on him whole we were in flagrante.... He doesn't seem to care... probably because his own farts are evil. He particularly likes to crop dust in shops and then loudly blame me.

Once I was at work and realised something big was brewing but I hardly dared get up from my seat.... so I pushed down into the office chair and thankfully it seemed to just quietly vanish. Half an hour later I got up to go to the coffee machine and fanny farted the length of the office. It was loud, triumphant, and I had absolutely no control over it. I learned then that the law of physics dictates that the gas has to go somewhere... even if its up another hole. It stank.

I am crying and shaking with laughter.

Vickij59 · 06/09/2022 22:39

So funny 😂 glad Facebook showed me this thread.
I laugh at my own especially when they sneak out in front of friends 🤣 and hope they haven't noticed. Although clearly we all do it looses the mussels having kids..even in your bum?! Yeah 🤣

Bubblebubblebah · 06/09/2022 22:41

The vixeoz are killing me😂

If you have Alexa she has variety if farts

RaRaRaspoutine · 06/09/2022 22:48

today I found out that boredom eating two packets of bbq hula hoops + gammon and veg for tea = absolutely hideous cheek clappers.

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/09/2022 23:05

Discovered by accident that eating dried apricots produces the emperor of all farts. When collecting the kids from school, I have to drive the last mile with all the windows open to air the car out; otherwise it's rather embarrassing when I emerge from the car engulfed in the aroma 😳 plus the kids almost asphyxiate when getting in

Blue03 · 06/09/2022 23:39

Love this thread. Thanks for the laughs.
Once I was in the park with my DS, he must’ve only been around 4, and whilst running he farted and I shouted “boost!”, so now that’s a thing in our house.

Iammatrix · 06/09/2022 23:46

My 3 yr old DGS came running to me and said 'grandma daddy just farted, come and have a look'.

I refused but daddy, SIL, and I had quite a laugh.

thenewduchessoflapland · 07/09/2022 02:50

My son is a gym bunny and protein loads to aid this;my god the farts he produces are vomit inducing;protein farts are a whole other level.

Dunnoburt · 07/09/2022 03:02

YANBU....well done!!! 😂When I was about 14 I used to fart around my mum during the weekly shop at Tescos......and then walk away so people thought it was her....its still a family joke to this day 😂

halfpasteleven · 07/09/2022 04:15

IOMmumma · 06/09/2022 19:55

This thread has made me dig out my mumsnet password. So funny! My nana used to love a good loud fart. She used to live in an apartment below my uncle. The boiler was in the cellar so my uncle was showing the boiler man where it was. All was silent for a second before a massive fart was heard from above followed by several walking farts , followed by hoots of laughter by my Nan. Legend.

This is hilarious!!!
Legend is right!

Original poster
oldstudentmum · 07/09/2022 10:21

I never thought by starting this thread how many rip roaring tales there would be. I have had tears in my eyes with laughter!
fun facts about farts we do on average between 15-20 a day. Shouldn’t hold in a fart it needs to go somewhere and it’s healthier for you to fart than not. Research suggests if you hold them in it gets reabsorbed and could come out in a belch yucky farty breath.
So taking in my lengthy research I have concluded that

  1. Try to get into a bathroom pull flush as farting it could mask the sound, open window. Pray there is air freshener you can activate.
  2. Dont sit on toilet and fart as the toilet pan could act like a loud speaker.
  3. If you feel one a coming in a car open window first, fart second. Keep some nice cheap perfume handy.
  4. Outdoors just look at a child or dog blame them or just look at another adult with the air of disgust.
  5. You could just own it for comical value. In a lift by saying just as you get out “I’ll leave that with you”. Run away when outside and say “code brown”.
  6. Lastly farts can’t kill you if you hold them in, but why take the chance.
OP posts:
Laaaa · 07/09/2022 10:23

😂 This made me laugh so much
"sat damply in the air" 😂 😂

Laaaa · 07/09/2022 10:30

RaRaRaspoutine · 30/08/2022 20:43

the worst I’ve ever done was fuelled by ryvita. Fuck me it hung around, like it was sat damply in the air.

This made me laugh so much
"sat damply in the air" 😂 😂 😂

PinkRiceKrispies · 07/09/2022 22:28

Average person farts 15-20 times a day?! I must easily triple that 😃

catwomando · 07/09/2022 22:36

Congratulations. A splendid achievement 👏

FoolishMortals · 07/09/2022 22:45

I showed this to DH and he just asked me what my excuse was haha

Lighthearted !! Just done the best fart ever