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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your mum or dad move in with you?

110 replies

mermaidtail · 29/08/2022 17:04

Topic for traffic.

Just as the title states; if your say 30ish, just getting your life on track, new job, new home, new school for the DD or DS, then one of your parents comes to stay after being absent due to living abroad for a few years, the stay turns into 2 months, then they say they want to perhaps live with you permanently...

Would you feel obliged to say yes?

OP posts:
Beamur · 29/08/2022 18:34

Merass
Maybe it wouldn't have been great for her..
You've assumed a great deal from my post. None of which is correct. Mum was a hugely valued part of our family and this arrangement suited us all. It wasn't a favour either as I paid her.

CookieCoo · 29/08/2022 18:35

Fuck no

DimplesToadfoot · 29/08/2022 18:36

Not a cat in hells chance, I'll do them the same service that they did me, I was raised in a children's home for 17yrs. As an adult I did go on to find them, vile creatures they turned out to be and not worth my time and never my home. if they need assistance they can go to a retirement home.

Rounddog · 29/08/2022 18:40

Nope definitely and defiantly not!! More chance of moving my MIL in that any of the other 3.

JaneorEleven · 29/08/2022 18:41

Only if we owned a home with a granny flat, or casita.

Dagnabit · 29/08/2022 18:44

Hard no.

Rinatinabina · 29/08/2022 18:45

Fuck no

Glittertwins · 29/08/2022 18:47

As per PP, only if there was totally separate living space in an annexe.

SuperlativeOxymoron · 29/08/2022 18:48

Not in my house. Barely enough space for us who live here now.

Bigger house that had en suites, a large kitchen and allowed space for 2 livingrooms? Sure, because we wouldn't be under eachothers feet.

littlelovely · 29/08/2022 18:48

My actual parents….no way in hell. But if hypothetically there was a parent who would otherwise be alone, got on well with my family, and we had plenty of space, then I’d definitely consider it. My granny lived on our street and we saw her every day. I even lived with her for a while, and my other granny stayed over every weekend. I saw them all the time and if there was an opportunity for my DC to have that then I’d definitely consider it.

lunar1 · 29/08/2022 18:49

Probably, we have my FIL for 6 month's of every year. We brought my grandma home when her dementia meant she couldn't stay at home alone and she was with us till she passed.

We have a good size house and DH is Indian so it's much more the done thing for him culturally.

Ours is also the house that family and friends on both sides come and stay at. I like having a busy home.

Original poster
mermaidtail · 29/08/2022 18:50

It's something that's taking it's toll on my mental health to be honest, I would really like someone to talk to about it. I feel a bit taken advantage of to be honest.

OP posts:
ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 29/08/2022 18:53

mermaidtail presumably you aren't especially close. Don't feel obliged - you aren't obliged at all. Offer to help them access everything they're entitled to after the qualification period of being back 3 months (look this up, forewarned is forearmed).

Give them a deadline of perhaps October to be out by.

WhiskersPete · 29/08/2022 18:54

No. Never. Ever.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 29/08/2022 19:05

Absolutely no way.
Nor my in-laws either!

Tilda77 · 29/08/2022 19:06

No I wouldn't. You shouldn't feel obligated either. My mum often tries to guilt trip me into things. Wonders why we don't invite her on every holiday, every family day out and only see her once a week. I remind her that when my nan was alive and me and my siblings were at home we saw my nan once a week and only once did my nan come on holiday with us. My PIL have stayed with us for 4 months. Month 1 and 2 were ok but by month 4 I just want our house to ourselves again. The thought that I know it wasn't permanent was all that kept me going!

Liorae · 29/08/2022 19:13

It would depend on age, state of health and financial situation.
Why does the parent want to live with you. Can they afford to live alone?

I8toys · 29/08/2022 19:13

No

Haybo26 · 29/08/2022 19:14

NO!

JustMaggie · 29/08/2022 19:14

Yes, in a heartbeat

WaveyHair · 29/08/2022 19:18

Dear god, no

Underthehills · 29/08/2022 19:18

Definitely not. We share a house with my mum but that was long planned and we chose the house specifically so we all have our own space. It works and DCs enjoy having her around. If she’d just “moved in with us” in our previous house there would have been bloodshed by now.

Sceptre86 · 29/08/2022 19:23

My instinct would be to stay no based on the few details you have provided. Were you in contact with them whilst they were abroad, are you close, do they have health issues, any reason why they need to live with you, are they proposing to pay rent and bills, what is the set up likely to be? I'd want to know all of the above before I came to a decision.

Ihadenough22 · 29/08/2022 19:49

In your situation I would say no. If you want other people opinion I would give us the background of your parents, why they are back in the UK and want to live with you.
I would put this under the elderly parents section on Mumsnet. A lot of people there are dealing with parents who need more help,who are older or possibly have granny/granddad living with them. They can give advice, see pitfalls and may offer other suggestions.

I currently have a friend who is planning to make some changes to their life so they won't be as available for elderly parents in the next few years.

hellcatspangle · 29/08/2022 19:52

Categorically no. Have had DF stay for a couple of weeks and that was long enough - he's not demanding at all but it's just a weird dynamic. If I had a house with a self contained annex attached where he could live independently I would consider it, but not otherwise.