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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my elderly parents? Behaviour spiralling re cost of living?

78 replies

JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 13:19

Hi all,

long-time lurker, signed up for a bit of advice.

my parents are both elderly, mum early 70s, Dad 81. He’s not been too well recently and actually seems to have gone rapidly downhill since 80. Mum is finding it a strain. I visit and help out when I can but I work super long hours and have my own household to navigate. I have a brother but he lives abroad and rarely visits so it feels like it’s just on me really.

They’ve been concerned but pragmatic about inflation, etc, so far saying they’ll get by but since the bills 80% rise confirmed mum has gone a bit odd. I was over there yesterday and she snapped at me for hoovering up an accident because it uses power and I could just sweep (it was glass so really I felt it needed a going over with the hoover).I found out from dad She’ stopped using the kettle in the day a few weeks ago and only has a morning cup of tea now, and yells at dad for making extra coffee. Turning the oven on you might as well announce you’re off to commit a war crime. She’s washing up in cold water and washing herself in the sink, eating less and looks really anxious all the time.

dad just stares into space and says he’ll be dead by the new year, it’s getting very hard to talk to him because he just zones out and shakes. I think he - and mum because she’s there all the time with him - needs more help but neither of them will hear of it. It’s getting really heartbreaking.

they’re not hugely well-off but they’re not poor by any means, worried about them both and if they’re acting like this I dread to think about the mental health of elderly people worse off. I know it’s so awful and myself and DH will also struggle a lot but there doesn’t seem like more I can do? Just needed to get it out I suppose.

OP posts:
Sunflowergin · 28/08/2022 13:24

Are they claiming everything they are entitled to from there energt supplier? Warm home discount
Winter fuel payment

Have you checked if they are eligible for any benefits if your mum is now caring for your dad where he’s unwell?

Igotjelly · 28/08/2022 13:24

That sounds so incredibly hard. She’s clearly very worried about it all. Has she got a monthly budget done? My elderly neighbour was similar, not quite so bad, and she took real comfort in doing a budget and knowing exactly what she had spare for various things.

Snowiscold · 28/08/2022 13:26

My parents are a bit like this. They’re both in their 80s. They have turned off all the hot water, so there isn’t any at all ever. They do boil a kettle to wash dishes or to do a strip wash. They shout at each other if they leave a light on. Even in past winters, heating is rarely on. Their kitchen is freezing. As they’re also on a water meter, they are super anxious about using water too.

Anunusualfamily · 28/08/2022 13:27

Could your dad be entitled to attendance allowance?

MaChienEstUnDick · 28/08/2022 13:29

Oh gosh, that sounds really difficult. Do they 'do' anything at all? I know a lot of older people haven't really got back to 'real' life since lockdown and I think being stuck in the house can only contribute to this kind of catastrophic thinking.

As a first step, yes you should definitely check they're getting everything they're entitled too.

The £400 discount thing that's coming (while I completely disagree with how they're doing it) will be really, really helpful to people in their position, I've run the numbers for my dad and I think he'll end up paying less than he does now over winter. It's really worth having a look at those numbers with them.

And then could you persuade them to go out to a lunch club or similar? Sell it as a free hot meal. I think spending a little time out of the house might not be the worst idea for their mental health, and on a practical basis it is a few hours in a warm place for free or very little...

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 13:30

Am looking into carer allowance for mum this week, they are both a bit weird about benefits tbh and I don’t know why. Similar to yours Snowiscold they’ve started shouting at each other over lightbulbs and loo flushing and I’m trying to be calm and reassuring but I’m freaked out myself.

OP posts:
Forestdweller11 · 28/08/2022 13:31

Can you work out for them actually how much more they are going to pay
, Based on their actual normal usage. Rather than the often scaremongering that's going around? That might help. Plus how much it costs - so can they use an air fryer or slow cooker rather than putting the oven on, shit down some rooms for winter, do some draft excluding or put up door curtains, turn down the thermostat?

Have they burned trough their money? Do they claim everything they can?

Any chance your dad might be depressed? Needs a gp call?

It could be a bit of a spiral with your dad affecting your mum's mood as well. A feeling of mortality. She maybe feels more in control of her surroundings if she's cutting back on everything?

At their age they will have been through 3 or 4 periods of sharp economic down turn and the thoughts are depressing

BeastOfBODMAS · 28/08/2022 13:33

Yes as PP I’d try and sell them on what they CAN do e.g coffee morning at local church, trip to the library etc
It might help them regain a sense of perspective

Anunusualfamily · 28/08/2022 13:34

check to see if your dad is eligible for attendance allowance this is about £250 a month. Your mum can only receive Carer’s if your dad is receiving attendance or other type of benefit.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 13:39

Yes unusual that’s a problem unfortunately because I know she’s unlikely to get carers or similar without something official about his health but he won’t go and see anyone.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 28/08/2022 13:40

Caters is only for those under 65.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 13:44

under 65? Well that’s that scuppered then. I know they get winter fuel but will ask her about warm home (thank you PP who mentioned that). I have told them about free stuff to do in town but mum just says ‘getting there isn’t’ and they stay in. They definitely didn’t regain any kind of social life after the lockdowns. I find myself frightened for them and also god I’ve started to get irritated by the flat refusals even though I know it comes from them being scared and I feel awful for even saying that.

OP posts:
Munchyseeds2 · 28/08/2022 13:45

Attendance allowance is the one they need to look at, not carers allowance
Age uk will help with all of this if you give them a call

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 13:49

thank you so much munchy I feel I’m floundering for info and so much on Google sounds conflicting!

OP posts:
Kendodd · 28/08/2022 13:52

Drastic suggestion but could they downsize?
Houses are still going for silly money and a smaller place might solve a lot of problems. Given your dads condition, they may have missed the downsizing window though.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 28/08/2022 13:55

as PP local age uk is your first port of call. They can help with advice on benefits plus anything else they might be entitled too eg bus pass

sadly I think a lot more older people are going to start doing this

Pinkbananas01 · 28/08/2022 13:56

Could you contact Age Concern? In my area they run lunch clubs with activities, they also offer free bus transport which may help

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 28/08/2022 13:56

That sounds awful, your poor mum and dad. What a worry for them.

Good advice given on this thread.

Probably a bit twee but do you think you could buy them a big thermos flask? I hate the idea of your mum wanting a cup of tea and not having it. This way she could boil the kettle once in the morning and use the flask during the day?

I know it won’t address the bigger issue, but might help an immediate need.

Shaaameless · 28/08/2022 14:15

I was thinking about all this stuff today OP, & wondering what lengths people will go to in order to prevent ending up in debt due to COL crises. Elderly parents can cause worry as they age & turn into someone that we no longer recognize, it’s awful I know. Could you handle their finances for them? If they’ll allow it, it would make their lives easier & put your mind at rest.

Seemslikeaniceday · 28/08/2022 14:18

OP how much would your parents be willing to share their financial position with you?

I’m thinking a full audit of their income and outgoings. For example are they on the best deals for insurance, broadband, gas, electric, gas servicing etc. paying by DD etc.

It can be very easy to just pay each month/year and suddenly end up paying way more than you need.

If you can set up online accounts for your parents you can then keep an eye on what they are being charged.

i would also be talking to your Mum to ensure all the news stories aren’t unnecessarily ramping up your Mums anxiety.

Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 15:17

Thank you all for being lovely, I have approached mum about the overall shape of their finances but she’s very reluctant to be open with me about them. I don’t know why, Like I don’t know why dad is refusing to see the doctor, or why they won’t look into benefits. If I push I get strong push back. I feel like a bad daughter for it but I find myself getting very frustrated at the moment, DH has commented that it’s even starting to affect my own moods as I’m just trying to help them.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonWaterfalls · 28/08/2022 15:23

Also I don’t know if it’s related but mum has done a bit of a 180 with her politics recently and having been v pro restrictions before is now saying lockdown was all a mistake and has swung a bit to the right but like weird right if you see what I mean? She always been Tory but it’s not that. She watches Good Britain or whatever it’s called with Neil Oliver, I think it’s just trying to latch on to feeling certain about something but it makes me uneasy because they’re both really vulnerable.

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 28/08/2022 15:24

This would be an extremely difficult conversation to have with them, but could they be going overboard because they fear they'll have nothing to leave you when the time comes? My man is like this - she's relatively well off I think, but won't splash out on anything - even things that could improve her quality of life - because for various reasons it's important to her to leave an inheritance. (Personally I would rather she spent it, but I don't feel it's my place to interfere.)

LizzieSiddal · 28/08/2022 15:25

It’s so frustrating, we’re in a similar position with in-laws, with the added problem of their son moving in with them who himself has massive mental health and medical issues. He is making their lives a misery but they will not listen to us at all. Just feel so helpless and sad about it.

Teaand · 28/08/2022 15:38

You can't get carers allowance if you are receiving your state pension but you/she should be able to have a cares assessment through adult social care ( may be a long wait due to lack of staff etc)

The carers trust, local carers support organisation (most county's have them) may be able to sign post and there is a good website called www.independantage.org which has really useful information as would turn2us about benefits and grants. As people have mentioned attendance allowance for your dad.