To be worried about my elderly parents? Behaviour spiralling re cost of living?

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi all,

long-time lurker, signed up for a bit of advice.

my parents are both elderly, mum early 70s, Dad 81. He’s not been too well recently and actually seems to have gone rapidly downhill since 80. Mum is finding it a strain. I visit and help out when I can but I work super long hours and have my own household to navigate. I have a brother but he lives abroad and rarely visits so it feels like it’s just on me really.

They’ve been concerned but pragmatic about inflation, etc, so far saying they’ll get by but since the bills 80% rise confirmed mum has gone a bit odd. I was over there yesterday and she snapped at me for hoovering up an accident because it uses power and I could just sweep (it was glass so really I felt it needed a going over with the hoover).I found out from dad She’ stopped using the kettle in the day a few weeks ago and only has a morning cup of tea now, and yells at dad for making extra coffee. Turning the oven on you might as well announce you’re off to commit a war crime. She’s washing up in cold water and washing herself in the sink, eating less and looks really anxious all the time.

dad just stares into space and says he’ll be dead by the new year, it’s getting very hard to talk to him because he just zones out and shakes. I think he - and mum because she’s there all the time with him - needs more help but neither of them will hear of it. It’s getting really heartbreaking.

they’re not hugely well-off but they’re not poor by any means, worried about them both and if they’re acting like this I dread to think about the mental health of elderly people worse off. I know it’s so awful and myself and DH will also struggle a lot but there doesn’t seem like more I can do? Just needed to get it out I suppose.

Some research on how much it actually costs to boil a kettle, use the oven etc might help them to make more informed decisions, and could be shared with them without needing to know anything about their actual budgets.

I agree with you though that there seems to be a deeper issue stemming from lockdown isolation and having nothing else to focus on other than their immediate surroundings, so opportunities to get them out of the house might be the best thing for them long term. Do they go to church? Lunch clubs? Friends who might also be worried about costs who they could invite to dinner once a week (and get invited back)? Any hobbies? Lunch clubs run by local churches or charities? If your mum is capable of any kind of volunteering at a charity shop or anything that might do her the world of good. If they read novels, find them something to read set in a very different country or time, to help them gain some perspective.

My parents are elderly and I am worried about them. They do have about £50k in savings but as my Mum is very unwell she may need to pay for care, if my Dad passes before her and the state care offering falls short.

Just some ideas,

1. check they are on correct tarifs
2. check if have been signed up by BT/Sky to tariffs that they didn’t want but got talked into - I got some large refunds for my parents as I said they had been taken advantage of by these companies and it is clear your parents are vulnerable
3. Is it worth buying them an air fryer (if you can afford to) - I am reading they use much less electricity than an oven
4. Use flasks for hot water
5. Could you register them for a food bank and go on there behalf?
6. Could you make them meals? Shepherds pie etc?
7. Could they investigate equity release? It is regulated so as long as you all understand how it affects future equity then it could help them now.
8. Do they have anything you could sell to help them build a pot of money?

Do you think they might wash themselves less due to cost? It’s not going to be healthy for them to go that route as their immune systems are lower and they wouldn’t want any infection aside from the well-being effects of being clean.

I think that part of the problem is the unknown - we don’t really know how bad this will get. It’s going to be tough for a lot of people and that must be very worrying for people on a low fixed income.

They are lucky to have you.

could early dementia be an issue ?
could you write/email their GP re your concerns.
contact local age uk and/or carers' centre.
good luck.

Is there any chance your parents dealt with the difficulties of aging with a parent or grandparent. If so, could you remind them of that and that it would have been so much easier if a tiny bit of help could have been given in getting things organized before a crisis point. Things like going over accounts while everyone is in a good place is much easier.

Another strategy you might try is telling your mother that since your father isn’t in the best of shape, it would be a good idea to have another person read-in as backup. when my mother got sick, my father got scared of being alone with no one to help him if he got sick too. That was actually kind of a good thing. He got all of his finances and paperwork organized into a single document that lists every account with all the necessary information. That was an easy diy. He got things set up legally so that if he is incapacitated I can step in and help. That required a solicitor because he set it up with very particular conditions. He even made me come meet his banker, which was a very old person thing to do, but I humored him on that one.

I expect they are terrified of returning

Recommend getting power of attorney for finances & health for both of them

Secondly, I know people who have auto renewed their house insurance every year & were paying 1k+ a year, when they should have been paying approx £100 per year. Similarly the same has occurred with car insurance. Suggest checking with them.

Can you pay part of their heat and electric? I've done this before by phone.

I have told them about free stuff to do in town but mum just says ‘getting there isn’t’ and they stay in

They should have bus passes for free travel.

This is untrue. There's no upper age limit for Carer's Allowance. Check the Age UK website.

The Carer's Association might also be useful - you can refer them.

Also, your dad will need attendance allowance before she can claim carers allowance.

I have been dealing with something similar with my mum and her husband - not specifically about energy use but just general 'making sure things are in order' like wills and lasting power of attorney and benefits and general support - and I'm afraid I had to have a bit of a shout. Kicked things into motion although I am keeping a wary eye.

Blossomtoes they do but we live somewhere the buses are so deeply crap timetable-wise and increasingly unreliable (rural south west) the only way to be sure you can get somewhere, especially on time unless you want be hours early or late, is to drive. Dad doesn’t anymore but she does.

Have you got them to make out POAs to you so that you can handle finances if need be?

OP you might be able to reassure your parents re costs if you pay a visit to the “Cost of Living” forum and jot down a break-down of specific charges per use of appliances. Boiling just the right amount of water for two hot drinks costs pennies. Running an electric blanket overnight rather than heating the bedroom ditto. Are your parents having a strip-wash because they have an electric shower they fear they won’t be able to afford? What sort of heating do they have: could all radiators be shut off bar the one/s they really need? Thought about a heated throw for each of them?

There is a higher winter fuel this year - Normally £200 (£300 if one over 80) there is an extra £300 per household this year. I think it will be split between them but will be £600 altogether this year as your dad is over 80. This is on top of the £400 that everyone is getting.
Plus there is, it seems, very likely to be some more help coming from either Rishi or Liz which we will find out about soon.

Do you or your brother have POA for your parents? You sound like you’re getting nearer to needing it.

I would find a quiet time to approach them on the subject of the future and start arranging things now. If it hasn’t already been done. I think the utilities are probably the least of your worries here.

I think step 1 is to sit down with them and understand if they actually will have a cash problem, as opposed to worrying that they do when they actually don’t. So helping them understand their monthly inflows and outflows - is there/will there be a shortfall and whether they have savings as a fallback.

Secondly, what extra allowances/benefits are they entitled to.

Thirdly, if they actually need to, help with where they could economise that might not be food and heating related (subscriptions, mobile phone plans etc etc).

Sheltered accommodation where electric, heating etc. Included in the fees?
A bit drastic but the-green-room.co.uk/granny-annexe-garden-annex/ might be a solution.

I'm sure my parents sorted out Attendance Allowance over the phone. My DM was practically a carer for my DF, similar age gap to your DPs. I think the person they spoke to basically talked them through the whole thing.

Would she allow you to see there usage for lastvyear and you can work out for them how much this year will be. If they are.low users it may put her mind at rest especially when you put in the bit from the government.

I think a PP, sorry I can’t remember the username, was right too about deeper issues coming from lockdown. It was very tough on them being so isolated, dad didn’t really recover I think and I wonder if that’s why he seems to have given up a bit. Mum was less socially motivated than him but she got deeply into prepper videos and stuff on the internet - not that there’s anything wrong with a bit of forethought but it went a bit further than that - she just seems so pinched and wired all the time. I’m just so drained worrying and being shut down when I approach them about it all :(

OP, if she is a Tory voter then she might have got the idea about lockdown being a mistake because last week there was talk of Rishi Sunak saying that very thing in an interview to the New Stateman. Then he denied it.
Anyway, we went through this and I found it was better to say 'entitlements' rather than 'benefits' as the inlaws were more accepting then.

Re the hot drinks, how about a large flask they fill in the morning when they make tea.

Encourage batch cooking and microwave, etc

To answer a PP, neither me or my brother have POA at present, and he literally couldn’t care less about them I think. He and dad haven’t got on in years and mums always backed dad up.I don’t totally blame him for being very low contact because it was a thought time but I am a bit surprised he’s so totally detached emotionally.

Lifeis yes since Sunak said that stuff about it being a mistake to empower scientists it has been worse.

your poor mum
were they badly affected during covid?
anxious?