To be worried about my elderly parents? Behaviour spiralling re cost of living?

[JasonWaterfalls]

Hi all,

long-time lurker, signed up for a bit of advice.

my parents are both elderly, mum early 70s, Dad 81. He’s not been too well recently and actually seems to have gone rapidly downhill since 80. Mum is finding it a strain. I visit and help out when I can but I work super long hours and have my own household to navigate. I have a brother but he lives abroad and rarely visits so it feels like it’s just on me really.

They’ve been concerned but pragmatic about inflation, etc, so far saying they’ll get by but since the bills 80% rise confirmed mum has gone a bit odd. I was over there yesterday and she snapped at me for hoovering up an accident because it uses power and I could just sweep (it was glass so really I felt it needed a going over with the hoover).I found out from dad She’ stopped using the kettle in the day a few weeks ago and only has a morning cup of tea now, and yells at dad for making extra coffee. Turning the oven on you might as well announce you’re off to commit a war crime. She’s washing up in cold water and washing herself in the sink, eating less and looks really anxious all the time.

dad just stares into space and says he’ll be dead by the new year, it’s getting very hard to talk to him because he just zones out and shakes. I think he - and mum because she’s there all the time with him - needs more help but neither of them will hear of it. It’s getting really heartbreaking.

they’re not hugely well-off but they’re not poor by any means, worried about them both and if they’re acting like this I dread to think about the mental health of elderly people worse off. I know it’s so awful and myself and DH will also struggle a lot but there doesn’t seem like more I can do? Just needed to get it out I suppose.

sorry, i havent obviously read the post beyond the first bit

I do think the less you see someone the less you care. Also it may be that it's painful so he's shut off all feeling around them.

I'd be open; tell your mum that she's changed and you're very concerned. And be persistent. I ended up having a running joke with my mum that I was being a 'bossy daughter'. Well, I was; because I needed to be. They will try to shut the conversation down because it's uncomfortable and they're afraid. But nothing will change if you keep backing down.

i would tell them not to watch the news!
i am more anxious than my own dm about the energy prices, surprisingly, but then she wont hear a word against the government which may be why

I have tried to tell her the media is bound to be putting everything in sensationalist terms for more views/sales - not to take away from the fact that it is genuinely desperate - but she gets into a spiral where she scares herself with the news and then watches these things that have a bit of a conspiracy edge to them. She’ll do it no matter what I say.

can you give her somethign else to focus on?

take them out for the day, or her at least
a flask is a great idea.

I'm a bit baffled by the number of posters fixating on flasks - on this and other similar threads.

Remember, it uses more energy to boil a full kettle than a kettle with just the right amount. You'd save far more by investing in an energy efficient kettle than by shelling out on a flask. Unless you needlessly fill the kettle to the brim every time you boil it.

@JasonWaterfalls I'm very worried about my elderly (mid 80s) parents as well. They live a couple of hundred miles away, are totally compos mentis and they are quite poor, but also difficult to help - proud and independent. I could easily pay their bill. But when I ask if I can help they get defensive and talk about using blankets, and how they never had central heating when they were young. I'm worried they will be cold and I'm worried about the effect on their health. I think they are claiming all they are entitled to (they are on pension credit etc, rent from a HA) and will ask again, but they are quite private about finances and it's awkward.

I love them so much. They shouldn't have to be cold.

It sounds as if they need some help from you and possibly others, but your mother in particular is resistant to accepting it. In my experience, the problem is that if she stays like that, there will at some point be a crisis which precipitates intervention and over which she has no control. It might be worth having that discussion with her? It might also be worth having a word with their doctors? Not only does it sound as if your Dad might need some help, but surgeries are often now the centre of all sorts of social prescribing/support. And sometimes a suggestion from "the doctor" will be accepted in a way that a suggestion from a family member won't!

Yes and no.

'You cannot get the full amount of both Carer’s Allowance and your State Pension at the same time.

If your pension is £69.70 a week or more, you will not get a Carer’s Allowance payment.

If your pension is less than £69.70 a week, you’ll get a Carer’s Allowance payment to make up the difference.'

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/benefits-calculator/

^ try this, OP. You will need to know their income and savings..

Technically no, but if the carer is getting state pension they don't get any actual money, only an underlying entitlement which may open some doors but may not help directly with col.

YES - look at their outgoing on things like insurance.

Oh that’s so sad 😢

I hope you can help them 🙏🏼

It's not necessarily about the cost, either - it's the messaging, the campaign to save energy etc, and how some elderly people seem to take these things REALLY seriously to their own detriment. I was living in Japan during the big quake, and there were these massive campaigns about saving energy bc of Fukushima. And it led to some deaths the next summer when old people just would not turn their air conditioning on at +42C temperatures because the government had told them to save energy. It was very sad.

This news is so hard. My mum is very worried too. She has been frugal all her life but now she is really bothered. Last winter was bad enough, wrapped in blankets with one room heated but now I think she has watched too many worse case scenarios on the news and internet. She says she thought she'd have a bit to leave people, and now she won't. There must be thousands like her and your parents. I wish they would put something reassuring on BBC tv instead of how to save on everything.

I've been going through similar with my parents, for a very long time I've suspected dementia and everytime I've suggested DF see a Dr I've been told absolutely not. His behaviour had become stranger and stranger including having the central heating on during the heatwave! I think fear is a lot of the problem neither parent wants to face the possibility of illness. DF had a serious accident recently and we now have a diagnosis of dementia which is a huge relief as we can actually now begin to get some help including financially. I'm fairly sure DP will be fine paying fuel bills but DM has no concept of budgeting and I'm a little worried while they should be able to pay the fuel bills its going to be a huge shock if DF keeps the heating on at ridiculous temperatures day and night.

Free bus transport is in some geographical areas, in other places you pay.

If your dad has dementia, he may not cope well with socialising outside the house, especially anything new.
Dementia can be masked if the person lives a pretty limited life.
Your mum may know this and so not want to go out anywhere with him.

OP, if you are worried about your Dad’s health and he won’t see his GP an option is for you to phone or write to his GP. They can’t disclose to you anything about his health without a POA; but if you explain your concerns and ask them to approach him they maybe able to use an opportunity such as flu vaccine to do an assessment.

I suspect it might be dementia with him yes and mum is partly staying so reclusive to keep him in the house as he’s deteriorating. It feels awful to think this even but as they are resolutely not listening re the doctors I am seriously thinking about calling someone like the police or SS for a welfare check.

You do know this first bit about flasks is rubbish?

I sympathise and would add that 80+ aging is a relatively new phenomenon which needs a new psychology deep dive to get to grips with and learn from.

Pensioners cannot claim carers allowance. Once a carer reaches state pension age it stops no matter who they care for or his many hours they do care for.

I doubt you can do anything about the possible dementia until they agree to see a GP or a crisis happens.
Age UK do free cardboard room thermometers showing the minimum room temperature you need for health. Stopped my Aunt putting the temperature too low.

Will contact Age UK ASAP it sounds like they have some great resources