Sexless relationship do they work l?

[ilovealcohol]

Been with dp almost 20 years and we love each other very much. However we have a none existent sex life. I love him so much but am not in love with him l ( and I suspect he feels the same) I feel almost too close to him for sex if that makes sense l, like I see him like my family and it feels weird. I do feel attracted to other guys ( although I am not a cheat and would never go there) we have 2 dc that were conceived on the rare occasions we did it ( birthdays). He never asks me for sex so I assume he feels the same, I walk around the house naked a lot and he never looks up or bothers. He makes negative comments about my body after kids but never compliments me so I assume he doesn't fancy me anymore but I know he loves me. He tells me he loves me and couldn't be without me and I feel the same about him but there's no spark is this ok?

No

Can you elaborate? Or is it just no? Is sex the bee all end all or is everything else just as important m?

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

He comments on your body? That's not okay. Do you have any intimacy at all?

Open it up. Go for non-monogamy. Done.

No intimacy at all. We don't cuddle, hold hands at all.

No way. I saw a few threads ( from the same person on here) who's she has a new gf. She hoped he would just have sex bit he ended up falling in love and getting a new gf. I can't imagine either of us in other relationships

I don't think you're happy. Is this really something you can cope with? Forget what anyone else says, is this the relationship you want?
It's hard to leave a relationship when you become comfortable, it becomes your identity. But if I were you, I'd be preparing to leave.

I'm so sorry

Following

We do love each other so much but the spark has gone and I the thought of having any intimacy at all makes me cringe and I feel that he feels the same ( though I'm just guessing from his actions) we've both joked about that moment in the Kevin and Perry movie where they both have sex to conceive him and be sick, that's us. We joke but obviously it's there. We just don't address it and bury our heads in the sand

It’s a really unhealthy set up. IME no sex or intimacy means there’s no bond or glue to keep you together and the lack of feeling desired is corrosive to your self esteem.

I’m living the same every day and I don’t feel quite complete. We’ve had sex 8 times in 7.5 years and somehow conceived 3 DC during that time! First was planned… back in the days when we had (a much healthier , but still quite shit 😂) sex life of twice a month… the second and third were total (welcome) surprises after very long gaps of no sex at all!

It hurts my heart to have a husband who is asexual/closet gay. It makes me feel ugly, even when objectively I know I’m not. Sexual intimacy feels inappropriate and I’d never consider having sex with him again. It’s like a switch inside me turned off.

We have a sibling type relationship where there’s a comfortable friendly existence, but there’s no mutual attraction. We still hug, laugh and hold hands, so our DC see what would be considered a happy relationship, A kiss is a peck on the cheek, which is sad as he’s an amazing kisser in years gone by 🤦🏼‍♀️ Mainly though I don’t want to live without my amazing DC 50% if we split so I have made an activity decision to continue with the current set up of living together full time whilst our DC are young.

Thankfully we have a holiday home that I’m planning to spend most of my time at when I’m older…without my husband! Then I’ll come back to our main house for family visits and Christmas etc. I’m also planning to hire a handsome gardener for a wild affair in my 60s. At that point I wouldn’t care if my husband knew either 😂

It only works if you are both happy with the situation.

It sounds like it suits him but not you.

How dare he make comments about your post baby body.

If you miss cuddles, intimacy, sex you aren't going to get it from him.

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

@StarRug Do you think he is gay?

They absolutely can work but only if both people are getting what they want

Hmm interesting🤔he is very much into fitness and when dressing up for a night out looks a bit gay. He always insisted he isn't and it's just a hobby. He wears tight vests to show his muscles. Also for him maybe lack of sex drive is all the dieting low cals etc rather than not being attached to me just reduce ld calories messing with his sex drive as it is very extreme. Just don't know

@Isthisdeliberate no, I don’t really think he’s gay. He had a healthy sex drive for a long time until he got a particularly stressful job about 12 years ago. Before that no worries at all. Now he’s very senior, very well paid, started to suffer ED and put his head in the sand. I don’t have any doubts about him being unfaithful though. It’s just not a normal functioning marriage.

Sorry OP, just answering a question, not wanting to derail your thread.

I think it definitely can work, but only where both people are happy with the relationship.

Otherwise the question is "can a relationship work where one/both person(s) is unhappy with it" which is obviously a "no"!

To be honest, sex aside, he doesn't really sound very nice, or that he likes or respects you much ☹️

No I couldn’t, not longterm anyway, if it was caused by a medical problem etc then that would be a completely different scenario. But when added to a lack of love, affection etc then it wouldn’t work for me.

How exactly would one dress to look a bit gay?

I believe it can work - as long as neither of you are resentful about the lack of intimacy...

He sounds fine with the situation (as you've described it) but it doesn't quite sound like you're ok with it? But maybe I've misinterpreted things?

Either way, you say you love each other and seem to get on (negative comments about your body aside 😠). Plus, in the absence of anyone else (ie: you don't want to have an affair - which I support and respect), I'd say it's fine to have a sexless relationship.

I believe you have to be exceptionally mentally strong to cope with a sexless relationship, as well as having a very deep love or something else holding you together. I don't think I could cope - I'm quite damaged in my way and I think it would break some of the less damaged bits.

Ultimately a relationship only has to work for the people in it, and the children affected by it. So there's no external view that makes any difference. I'd say a lot of low sex relationships work with one partner getting sex elsewhere. Actually I think that's a genuine way it can work tbh.

Following. You have my sympathies and I understand how you must be feeling.

@StarRug I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written.

He is trapping you by saying he loves you and couldn’t be without you.
I wonder if the ‘couldn’t be without you’ is a threat he is making, that he would threaten to him himself if you left him 🤔
‘At the end of the day you are either happy or not, if not you should move on and find happiness.

Men who don’t want to have sex with the woman they are with, are not automatically “gay” .

Secondly, sex and desirability is a mental thing. What is the dynamic of your life together? Did he , and you, love sex before being together ?

You say you don’t cuddle, you don’t hold hands. While this is not at all essential to wanting sex (I’ve not held hands with everyone I’ve desired or slept with!) I think it could be a real barrier. as you’re saying, there’s no intimacy on any level.

My fear for you is that life, in its everyday and humdrum sense, has taken over to the point where the rest of it has no room.

I’ll go back though to the question at the top of my post. Did you enjoy sex before him? Do you visualise and fantasise about sex, have you strongly desired people before, do you indulge in this line of thinking if you’re on your own so to speak?

If none of that is the case, then your desire to do the deed will be so totally linked to him as a person and your interactions and wellbeing together, that fundamentally a lot has to change for you two to be sexy again so to speak.

You're having to ask in the first place. Which makes me think that deep down you're not happy.

You don't sound very happy. You say you love him but don't love him at the same time? He tells you he loves you, but you don't cuddle or kiss and he makes rude comments about your figure.

Your relationship will be the model relationship for your kids. Would you want this type of relationship for your kids? Your answer will say it all TBH.

I think a relationship without sex can be very happy, if both parties are fine with that

And I suspect it's more common than most people realise

But, if one wants sex and the other doesn't / isn't bothered, then it's a problem

I think there are a lot more people/couples in your situation than we realize. The sex dries up but the comfort and familiarity of day to day life / children / friendship etc means there is enough there to hold the relationship together. And that is fine if you're both happy enough with it.