Sexless relationship do they work l?

[ilovealcohol]

Been with dp almost 20 years and we love each other very much. However we have a none existent sex life. I love him so much but am not in love with him l ( and I suspect he feels the same) I feel almost too close to him for sex if that makes sense l, like I see him like my family and it feels weird. I do feel attracted to other guys ( although I am not a cheat and would never go there) we have 2 dc that were conceived on the rare occasions we did it ( birthdays). He never asks me for sex so I assume he feels the same, I walk around the house naked a lot and he never looks up or bothers. He makes negative comments about my body after kids but never compliments me so I assume he doesn't fancy me anymore but I know he loves me. He tells me he loves me and couldn't be without me and I feel the same about him but there's no spark is this ok?

I couldn't live like that personally. It sounds miserable. But that's just me, everyone is different and I'm sure for some people sex just isn't something they need, and that's fine if those people end up together and are happy.

However I'd say him making negative comments about your body is more of a concern than lack of sex. I'd be out of there quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite just for that. That's not something someone who "loves" you would do.

There is a difference between a sexless marriage and one with no intimacy. Your comments about his criticism of your body are not something I would expect from a man who loves you, but has lost sexual interest (he wouldn't have to be complimenting you, but at least not actively putting you down. I wonder if it's his way of "blaming" you for his erectile dysfunction).

Your kids don't need to know that you are not having sex, but they should be seeing their parents displaying love to each other - it doesn't have to be mushy sentimental love poems, or buying flowers, but showing a mutual respect is a bare minimum.

Not reallly

Your relationship sounds awful. Not just the lack of sex , which is fine if both agree.

"I see him like my family"

The lack of sex isn't the problem
The lack of a healthy relationship is.

You have become room-mates.

A sexless marriage is possible if both parties want it and if it is enough for them

A sexless marriage out of disconnect and discontent is something entirely different

He sounds very absent & irresponsible of him to agree to fathering children but absolving virtually all responsibility for parenting them. How do/will they feel about that and what will that do to their self esteem?

Very selfish of him IMO. Sorry OP but as a result doesn’t sound like a true relationship more of an arrangement Because when you had kids you no longer became just you but you plus other individuals that all need love and support. I don’t like the way he compartmentalises them & the care taking.

I can understand that you thought he’d evolve into a proper parent once you’d had them.

No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. It may be an expression of your resentment at him that you’re never allowed to show because his answer every time is that he told you he never wanted kids.
This would eat me up too. It doesn’t sound like he’s really in it with you truly as a partnership. I’d find that really hard.

Hope you find a way through 🍀

I think SavoirFlair has nailed it

I think sometimes people like the OP are happy with a sexless relationship, but they question feeling like that because it’s not really socially acceptable to admit that. We are bombarded with “sex is the glue that keeps relationships together” and to deviate from the acceptable social norm makes you question yourself.

Omg THANK YOU! 🙏🙏

fucking hell the homophobia on here is vile.

also op. Some people live without intimacy aye. But you admit you’re not in love with him and lust over others. One day you or him will fall in love with someone else and it’ll become messy as fuck.

I’m sick of people trying to convince everybody like sex is a mandatory requirement to have a family. No, it’s not. I don’t even think your family is an anomaly. I also think with a certain amount of work it’s possible to develop and discover a passion in the relationship but I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary. It depends on what you want, but not what a society is trying to convince you. I don’t think that this everyday sex dream and keeping-passion-until-we-die thing is a real thing. I also observed my friend continuing sexual relationship with her abusive husband because it’s “healthy” to have sex regularly, so go figure. OP, it’s ok, really.

I think it can work yes. As long as you're both ok with the situation.

I think it can work or can be a recipe for disaster.

In my case it was the latter. It left me vulnerable and wide open to an affair . I left before that happened.
However, flip side - as an older woman - I waited till the kids left home - I had a fabulous sex life for around 8 years, and now at 50 I'm single . My relationship with my ex husband was solid and loving but we'd been together 25 years- but sex was a non starter. He also wasn't demonstrative or loving , no compliments , nothing . But qe loved each other - but once I'd had a sexual relationship I couldn't go back - Pandora's box had been opened and after that I wanted a sex life .
Sadly now I'm single I don't have one anyway , but I live in hope . I'm actually quite content and hope springs eternal!

So do I. He was coerced into fathering not one, but two children. He made it clear he wasn't interested, so I don't think the OP was being reasonable to expect him to take an interest in the children.

He probably feels like a sperm donor, and no longer wants to donate any more in case there is another baby.

As he is so interested in his fitness and physique I would be concerned that he is still interested in sex, but just not with his wife.

I think this explains some of how I feel. He does love his kids I know he does he's just a bit lazy when it comes to taking care of them and leaves it all to me. I do get a lot of help from family, especially his mum which then takes away some of responsibility from him and I think his lack of help isn't as highlighted as much as she takes on some of his responsibility ie having them when I'm at work etc. he claims he doesn't know what to do with our youngest ( baby, ie can't do bottles, nappies etc) but he's never been interested in learning he's happy to sit and leave it all to me. And when she's woke in the night he's never woken up. Our oldest can sit and play nicely so he's ok doing thing like Playing Xbox and stuff with him. My kids have a great family and want for nothing. They are so loved by everyone. He just doesn't step up and do enough and it's always the same excuses he didn't want kids, he has obsessions and we just go round and round in circles with nothing really changing. When I suggest breaking up he says he loves us and he doesn't wanna lose us. It's just his obsessions etc. he makes me think that he really loves us and that we mean everything to him this is what he says . But as she on as the argument is dropped we go right back to square one and this is how we live.

Anything can work if your both happy with it

other peoples views and opinions are irrelevant to u it’s what u want some would be happy dime wouldn’t

He also wasn't exactly coerced into having children at first he said he wanted children. He knew when I was ovulating etc and we planned it. When I got pregnant he backtracked and said that he didn't think it would happen so quickly etc and he thought it would take years but it happened in a couple of months so I thought he just needed to get his head around it and I did think he'd step up. It was something we'd talked about. Probably shouldn't have wanted a second child with him once I realised that he didn't step up much the first time round but I didn't want my ds to be an only child ( again my opinion, other people might not agree but I really didn't want that for my ds as I thought he'd b lonely) he did say that he would maybe want another child one day but wasn't ready. I never pressured him or anything like that in fact it was years later when I got pregnant again. This was because we had rare sex ( celebrating an occasion and we're both a bit drunk and didn't take precautions) he knew always though when I was ovulating etc and I've never been anything but honest with everything. He also didn't want ds to be an only child and agreed with me on that. Yes he said he was content with one but said he wouldn't rule it out. He uses the he didn't want children now as an excuse and really plays on it every time I ask him to step up.

I think if you are both happy with this set up then yes, absolutely it can work /be good.

We both chose love for each other over sex and that works for us. In fact I'd say we are the happiest couple we know!

Can /do you talk to him about the impact his lack of involvement will have on your DC?

Can he /is he capable of seeing things from another’s POV not just his own?

Does he pull his weight with other household/admin/life/domestic responsibilities or if any of them concern the kids does he extricate himself from them?

Does he ever show them love? Or is it only the menial stuff he won’t do?

What does his DM say about it? Because whilst she sounds invaluable & would t suggest she stop helping - she’s kind of enabling him not to step up.

Its like an extension of the old fashioned parenting model where men didn’t get involved - did his own father??

PS thinking about it more I think he’s manipulating you OP & using the I never wanted them card to guilt you into silence.
He actively participated in conceiving them. Like a lot of men they will get away with doing the bare minimum & he’s got the best trump card of all to use every time.

Then declarations of love etc to cement your feelings of being actually in a loving supportive relationship.

I know it’s not helpful to throw around armchair diagnoses but is he very rigid in beliefs, habits etc? You say obsessions. Asexual or not especially sexually inclined?
Was sex more frequent before kids? He may also associate sex with reproduction if it has resulted in something he says he doesn’t want.

V difficult but think you need to stop taking the blame for the kids & set yourself some basic non negotiable standards that you need - to continue.

Because he’s getting all the perks of your family life & you - love, support, company, stability but not contributing to it & your resentment will only grow.

Will he go & see the kids at nativities etc or are they too young ATM?. If he’s happy to do Disney Dad & all the nice gratifying stuff then he’s being a hippocrite.

You have every right to demand he step up - as a core requirement of your partnership going forward.

Would gr cope without you? Does he value what he has?

I don't talk to him about the effects of our dc because they are loved and happy and have a good life so I dont feel they will be negatively effected. Dc have a great relationship with both of our parents and would sooner go there than stay at home with dp tbh, my oldest asks to go there when I'm at work etc which suits Jim. he shows them love but he doesn't do any of the work. He will do little things to show them he loves them like treating ds to a present, taking him to get sweets, cuddle them if they're sad etc but as long as it doesn't inconvenience him. He puts himself and his obsessions first. His other obsession is betting. He doesn't bet big ever but he bets all the time. He is up and never loses money but he's constantly on his phone and never really looks up to see them. Atm ds is playing nicely with his toys. I asked dp to hold dd for a second whilst I went upstairs to do something and he told me to put her in her bouncer as he was In the middle of something ( placing his bets) this is always the response I get. His routine and his hobbies always come first to everything. I can now hear ds asking him to play with him on his game and dp won't cz he's busy doing his bets. I'm gonna take them to the park in a min. He won't come I can tell you. His mum does enable it cz she always wanted grandchildren and loves having them but I know if she didn't do it we probably would have broken up already because either have to step up and resent it and end it or I'd leave if he didn't.

Sex life has always been not great. We had sex for the first few years. He is so obsessed with muscles and wants to be bigger and bigger. This doesn't do it for me. He diets very hard but mainly in the summer when working towards holidays etc. this is when his sex drive is at an all time low. When it gets to winter and he doesn't diet as seriously then his sex drive comes back a bit. We don't have that much sex but sometimes the odd time do ( I think this sometimes is down to feel like we should be doing, sometimes drink is the reason) but for me it doesn't feel right. I can't just blame the not taking care of the kids as this was the same b4 they were born. It's just now more reason that this is the case and more issues. He does mostly instigate the sex when he's not dieting hard but is ok with me saying no and leaves it at that. As he does sometimes initiate sex etc then you would think there is some attraction from his part. However some of his comments to me are oh your boobs have gone small since you've stopped breastfeeding. They used to be a lot perkier. Your bum has gone a lot flatter now than it was ( my bum was something he always used to say he liked) this confuses me. Does he fancy me or doesn't he?

Looking at the relationship through this post is making me realise that things aren't great and haven't been for some time. We bury our heads in the sand and don't deal with it/ don't talk etc.because it's too hard. I think there is fear of breaking up, fear that it could be a mistake. Also I believe as we had a great relationship in the beginning we remember that and don't wanna let go of that and all the memories and what we have been through together. Obviously this post only highlights the bad as this is what I am asking advice on. But there is some good too. It's hard to admit that a once amazing relationship has been going wrong and deal with that instead of burying our heads in the sand. Also my dp is a creature of habit and routine and doesn't like change at all, he never has. I believe this to be another reason why he doesn't want us to break up.

Simple answer is “no”
sexless relationships do NOT work, in the long term, although they may last a long time
Eventually, one or other will decide that they want more, and will find someone that can offer them that
And the hurt caused by that break up far outweighs the hurt of one where you admit that things just aren’t “right” and split up amicably, and both be the best aren’t that you can be.
Or you can try counselling either together or apart, to try and work out of you have a future together

Well I'd worry more about what sort of relationship you are showing your children. They'll grow up thinking intimacy isn't normal and that's a very sad state of affairs.

@Madamecastafiore But how much do the average couple show their children, as in my parents kissed to say goodbye in the morning, not much else. I knew they loved each other though