Sexless relationship do they work l?

[ilovealcohol]

Been with dp almost 20 years and we love each other very much. However we have a none existent sex life. I love him so much but am not in love with him l ( and I suspect he feels the same) I feel almost too close to him for sex if that makes sense l, like I see him like my family and it feels weird. I do feel attracted to other guys ( although I am not a cheat and would never go there) we have 2 dc that were conceived on the rare occasions we did it ( birthdays). He never asks me for sex so I assume he feels the same, I walk around the house naked a lot and he never looks up or bothers. He makes negative comments about my body after kids but never compliments me so I assume he doesn't fancy me anymore but I know he loves me. He tells me he loves me and couldn't be without me and I feel the same about him but there's no spark is this ok?

Holding hands, the odd kiss, cuddling on the sofa, being physically close. Maybe not in the past but I think it's important for children to see that love shown to normalise a normal physical relationship these days.

You sound so disconnected. Not a clue what's going on in his mind.

That lack of emotional intimacy is worse imo than the lack of sex and physical contact.

It sounds miserable. One of you will have an affair. If he isn't already.

Definitely don't think he is already. He cares more about himself and his routine/ obsessions to be looking at anyone else.

Of course you may be right. It just sounds like you don't know him at all. He looked at you enough to comment negatively...

Can you give him a chance to step up and pull his weight with the DC and household, having told him that this is necessary for the marriage to continue. If he cannot or won't do so, then it is hard to see what you or your FC gain from staying in this relationship., Your dc will still see him/his DM as much as now, so it should not affect them so much if you split now while they are young. You deserve more from a relationship than you are getting here. It would be awful for your DC to grow up being ignored by their DF as he does at the moment because of his betting obsession. That will damage them if it continues. Has he ever had help with that or what sounds like a fitness obsession too? Hope you find a weay through this OP as the status quo is so miserable.

He wouldn't anyway. He stays at work late every night because he goes in late because he goes to the gym. He wouldn't give this up. He gets up early Saturday morning because he goes to the gym until midday. He holds a season ticket for football so weekend matches he goes to as he's paid a lot of money. Saturday nights are consumed by betting and drinking. He makes ds not wanna be there ( he already would rather go to has mans anyway as they do loads with him) by saying you can't have the tv my bets are on. Then he has a lie in on Sunday morning then goes for a long run meaning the kids have to stay with his mum. Then he has dd for what little time is left but not dd as he would have to do work as she is a baby. I work most weekends as I'm doing all my shifts over 3 days to spend the rest of the time with them.

He stays at work late every night because he goes in late because he goes to the gym.

He wouldn't give this up. He gets up early Saturday morning because he goes to the gym until midday.

He holds a season ticket for football so weekend matches he goes to as he's paid a lot of money.

Saturday nights are consumed by betting and drinking.

Then he has a lie in on Sunday morning then goes for a long run meaning the kids have to stay with his mum

I felt really sad reading the above update.

What a prince
It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage completely. When does he make time for you? Are you sure that when he is “working late” that is what he is doing? It very much comes across as you being the mother to the children he donated sperm to, instead of you being his wife.

In answer to your initial question - personally, a sexless relationship for me isn't a "relationship". It's a friendship or a platonic partnership and I personally wouldn't like to be tied to someone with zero intimacy like that. I need intimacy (cuddles / kisses just as much as sex) from my partner.

However, if EVERYTHING else in the relationship was great and you had mutually decided that sex and intimacy wasn't important for you, then nobody can tell you it's wrong.

That's not the situation here. The situation is that you do sometimes have sex, but you don't want to. And that right there is the biggest issue. Don't even get me started on the emotional abuse and manipulation from him as even reading it makes my blood boil. It's clear from your posts that you don't want to be with him - so what's making you stay? The children? Or the fear of the unknown?

What do you love about him?

A friend of mine was in a similar position with her husband, went on for years, turned out he was still in the closet. Looking back, it was quite obvious - and explained the seething passive aggression. They were like a squabbling bickering brother/sister.

Sex and intimacy are essential to a relationship. Sorry you’re going through this 💐

So he’s completely selfish.

He actively tries to make the DC not want to spend time with him.

He is obsessed with - has an all consuming gambling addiction & gym addiction ??

Did he have these obsessions before the kids?

Conducts his social life, gym & work with no consideration for you/ the kids

He is a King. It reads like a 1950’s marriage.

He sounds so entrenched in himself & manipulative with it.

Im sorry OP - hard to know what to suggest.

You say he does show the DC love but (aside from all of the love from you & their grandparents) as they get older, they will start to notice he doesn’t want to spend time with them - or that gambling etc is more important than them etc.

That is quite damaging IMO - but no parent is perfect obviously.

What I find quite concerning is how entitled he feels to be able to ignore them & fob them off. To be able to say I never wanted them when his own flesh & blood are there wanting his attention??

It makes him sound like he doesn’t have much empathy or concern for anyone but himself.

Sorry OP.

@TeaWithPaddington just read your post. It’s very well written and I hope you find the happiness you deserve x

Thank you