Hoarding and filthy house of mother

[Hoarding]

My mum has always been a hoarder but it’s got significantly worse in the last 10 years. Hoarding newspapers, envelopes, food scraps (nothing is allowed to be thrown, everything will be reheated etc) tiny bits of string, foil etc. You get the idea. It’s got so bad to the point where the house is actually filthy, like properly gross (think fruit flies on literally everything, food remnants caked into the floor, maggots etc) Strangely some parts of house (the bits she doesn’t use basically) are vaguely tidy (but def not clean) like the living room.

She lives alone and to be fair used to have a cleaner but got rid of her about a year ago. I can safely say there’s not been any cleaning done on her part since.

Im pretty sure she’s got inattentive ADHD but I really don’t know how to help her.

for a bit of background into where her priorities lie, im
severely allergic to cats, luckily only if the hair gets in my eyes but my eyes basically completely close up and I get all wheezy. Well this has always been the case but we had 3 cats growing up. Yup, having cats was more important than my safety. There’s a long list of various things like that that have happened over the years.

Anyway, I’ve come down to stay with her for a week with my 2 kids as she’s always wanting us to come stay (but doesn’t actually want to engage with the kids) but my god, I’m scared for my baby’s health with the crap he’s accessing from the floor (he doesn’t crawl yet but he rolls around all over the place and obv everything goes in his mouth)

what I’m asking is AIBU for being really hurt by mum’s hoarding and filthy house? And if not, what can I do to help her? She’s well aware her house is filthy but she refuses to do anything about it.

YABU: her house is none of your business, leave her to it. Or actually try help her.

YANBU: that’s really out of order to treat you and your children like that.

I would put the children first and be straight out to a hotel (if you're too far from home), not sure what to suggest to help her, sounds like she might not be accepting of help?

You look after your children. Put your baby on a clean towel, or go to a hotel and meet outside. They need to be your priority.

Then you; therapy is very good idea to start to unpack your childhood and how to make decisions that aren't distorted by the past. Look at the facts separately from the emotional side. She wanted you to stay with her but she didn't force you, you chose to. Why?

Then your mum; that's much harder. There may not be much you can do except stay in touch - that might it be quite hard enough.

Try ringing her local fire service. They are one of the agencies involved in a multi agency approach to hoarders. They will want to know about the risks in her house in case they ever get called out to it. They won’t help with cleaning but will advise about fire risks and things they can do. They have experience at engaging with hoarders and they can also alert other agencies such as social services, environmental services, mental health services and her GP. It’s unlikely she will change her habits but she may be given assistance that makes her safer that she would be willing to accept. Also look up Diogenes Syndrome

There’s maggots and old food on the floor and you’ve taken a baby who rolls around the floor to get about, to stay there???

Sounds awful, poor you must be v distressing. Definitely a mental health issue. Can you go to social services or docs with her? Take the little ones out of the way for sure.

Hoarding disorders are very difficult to treat, it is indeed a serious mental illness.

Your responsibility though is to your children and you shouldn't have a baby stay in those conditions. You know this, OP.

Pointless. It will be back inside 6 months

She'll never be the mother you want it's not in her. Go home take the children and don't go back

My Mum was very depressed and hoarded and didn't clean. I was 25 and went round one day when she was out, and there were about 13 milk bottles in the kitchen, all had a bit of sour milk in with dead blue bottles floating around. Fridge was full of rotting food, washing up piled in the sink.

It's hard when you are an adult and feel like a child with your parent, but when I found these milk bottles, amongst other filth, I rang my aunt and asked her to come round and help me clean up.

When my Mum got back we then all had a chat, and said that small consistent effort was needed to stop her getting into this chaos again. We 'told' her that she had to rinse the bottles out every single day, and put them on her doorstep. Wash her plate and knife and fork after every meal. Try to plan her meals so things didn't go off in the fridge. She'd given up on life because my Dad had left her.

Do talk to your Mum and say you can't take the kids round any more because the house is too dirty. Tell her straight.

I have watched so many videos about hoarding and listened to so many podcasts about it and I think all you do is try to maintain a path to the door, to the bathroom, to the sink, to the bed and to the toilet. make sure that in a maze of clutter those pathways remain, partially.

Bon Courage <3

Well stop this for starters.

If she couldn't give up her cats when you were younger in favour of your health, I'd say she's incapable of giving you the love and attention you crave.

It's awful and my DH has a similar issue. But your mother isn't going to give you want you want.

Instead, shower your children with the love and affection you always wanted from her.

Then, pick up your kids and go stay somewhere clean. Why on earth would you take your kids somewhere so disgusting (flies and maggots?!)

My parting message to your mother would be 'if you genuinely want us to visit and be around, you need to fix this shithole of a house. If you need help doing this I'm happy to muck in, but I won't be bringing my kids back here until it's safe to do so'.

Does she own the house?

If it's not hers you could report her to the landlord.

You could offer to speak to her GP on her behalf and see if there is any mental health help available.

Personally I think you staying there and taking children there completely enables her which is the worst thing you can do. You need to put firm boundaries in place and she needs to see the reality of the consequences of being ill/refusing help.

OP the issue here isn't the hoarding. It doesn't help, but it's not what's at the heart of this.

I hear you. You are desperate for the mother that most of us take for granted. We are hard wired to believe and expect that our mothers will care for us, protect us, love us. And your desperation to achieve that is what's driving you to put your children at risk, and even though you know your mum won't engage with the children. The eternal hope that if you just do 'enough' she'll change and be the mother you so badly want.

Gently, please remove your children from that environment. And then can I recommend that you read this. It's short so it doesn't cover nearly everything. But maybe it can start you on the journey to coming to terms with who your mother is and healing from it. Because there is no magic formula. She's been who she is for a long time. Maybe forever. And she is vanishingly unlikely to change, however hard you try. So instead turn your attention to yourself. Find ways to compensate for the mother's love you didn't and won't have. Being for your children what you wanted for yourself. And be OK with that.

I'm sorry, OP, but you won't ever be made to feel valuable to her. Because you and your children aren't compared to Stuff.

Protect yourself, go, get your babies into safety and look into therapy to adjust to this.

Your mum sounds like my mum. Down to the craving her attention/affection. My kids have been diagnosed as autistic and I suspect my mum and I are probably both autistic too. But my mum is from that generation of where autism didn't exist back in their day.

I made peace a long time ago with the fact that my mum is not the mum I wanted. She is not capable of giving me the emotional warmth I always wanted from her. There is nothing I can do to change her behaviour. I just try my hardest not to be like her for my own kids. Growing up in a filthy, grotty, hoarders house has left me with long-term issues around cleanliness in my own home. I'm the opposite extreme to my mum and I've explained that to my kids as they've gotten older.

We live close enough that I can visit for an afternoon, so I do that. I'd have to be in dire straits before I stayed over.

Get your children out of there OP.

You can't fix your Mum. I'm sorry but she can't be the Mum you crave. Visit her by all means, meet her out of the house with your children, but don't risk their health again.

My Mum was always untidy , always a hoarder and got worse as she got older .

The house was dirty in parts ( my Dad did a sterling job of trying to keep it tidy ) but she just caused mess in her wake
When my DC were little we went there , they had a guest room so it was fine to sleep there .
But when they got older it was really fairer for me to go alone and trying to sort out a hoarders house takes time , patience and tact .

I would say though , if she is so untidy there might be broken glass , knives or prescription tablets strewn about in the mess that you really don't want your DC to get to .

I certainly wouldn't take a child to the house you describe .

It is an illness , it can be helped but I don't think cured .

Worryingly my own son is developing hoarder tendancies but I'm on it (fiercely)

My Mum was in the post war era , don't throw things out mentality . So I can understand but trying to reason with her to part with things was tough .

Actually I have to disagree - I have OCD hoarding and inattentive ADHD and the treatment is different to just OCD hoarding. Before I was diagnosed with inattentive adhd I had ocd hoarding therapy which helped but it was not until I understood the adhd impact on my brain that I made real progress. With adhd we have executive function problems - ie problems with planning and making decisions plus low dopamine levels and which are the brain chemical for motivation. Someone with low motivation and problems with planning and making decisions is going to find it hard to know how to tackle a hoard and if you add the emotional stuff and compulsive thinking from ocd you are screwed. I am lucky enough to have cleaners so my house is clean and tidy. But to tackle my hoard I get a cleaner to a) put things in categories for me ie old kids clothes separated into size and b) she sits with me to help me make decisions on the steps to move them on. Sounds basic but it’s what I need. I have a degree and post graduate - likely I was hyper focusing when studying but I find it hard to plan organisational tasks.
To help her if it was me I would personally write a basic plan of ways to tackle her hoard and offer to help her or find someone who will. Telling her to fix it when if she does have inattentive adhd and is likely not to know how is not going to get anyone anywhere.

Jasmine Hardman the presenter of a "House in the Sun" did a series on hoarders. Her mum is a hoarder. With her mother they hired a hall and loads of skips and worked with her mum to clear the rubbish. I am not sure whether it has worked longer term.

'Sorry mum, me and the kids can't come stay as your house is a health hazard. I don't want my son to eat maggots'

She is mentally ill, but YANBU for being hurt. It’s shit having a parent with mental illness. The hurt never goes.

She has a mental health issue.

You have an issue of wanting your mothers ve and attention above the health and safety of your baby.

Two big issues that you don’t see to grasp

It sounds like your mum is in her 50s-60s

Hoarding behaviour is considered a mental health problem, is she physically disabled as well or is it just long standing self neglect of her property ?
It sounds pretty bad
Are the rooms full and difficult to move around?

Hoarding in some instances at its more extreme can fall under a s.42 (Care Act2014) safeguarding enquiry of self neglect , that gets a multi agency response

It might be worth contacting the MASH team to discuss
If they don't feel it is s.42 level, then they may be able to signpost to some useful support services (which may charge a fee).
It's very overwhelming for the person and has to be dealt with sensitively
Please don't stay at her house with your Young DCs
Ask mum to get a cleaning in again but to pay for a deep clean first - some companies will do this.
Saying we can't visit you again with your DGC until the "house is safe environment and not a health hazard mum" may be incentive for her to accept some help to clear and clean it. It might not, but is worth a try.

I wouldn't visit.

Her obsession/addiction/mh issues ultimately mean more to her.

Ask her to see a gp for a referral to a MH team and unless she is prepared to follow through or at least try I wouldn't visit.