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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD and her boyfriend should emerge from her room occasionally?

86 replies

cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:31

They're students and when they're here during the holidays, we literally only see them if they are getting food or on their way out. We have had one meal together (at my insistence) but they went out straight after that. I'm beginning to feel resentful that they're closeted in her room the whole time - it seems kind of blatant. And I feel used as a kitchen pitstop. And I am quite hurt that they don't choose to spend more time with us. This is new territory for me. I get the excitement of first love etc but is this behaviour acceptable? What should my tolerance levels be? They are nice kids but she can be very selfish at times and I'm not sure if this is one of those times or if she's just doing what teenagers do. Please advise! I may well be BU.

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 09:35

I understand where you're coming from but YABU

Thinking back to my first boyfriend that was allowed round we spend 99% of time in my room, having sex with a film on loud thinking no one would figure it out (my dad always made sure there was a healthy supply of DVDs in my room before he was due to come over)

They're going to be finding time together far more interesting than time with you, don't take it personally many teens don't enjoy hanging out with their parents that's doubled when the boyfriend is round

YellowTreeHouse · 27/08/2022 09:36

YABU. Why force them to spend time with you when they don’t want to? It’s just miserable for everyone.

Chikapu · 27/08/2022 09:38

How much time did you want to spend with your parents as a teenager with a boyfriend and a life to be getting on with? It's normal.

Afterfire · 27/08/2022 09:38

I wouldn’t be happy with my dd having her boyfriend stay over so much. Doesn’t he have his own home to go to?! It’s a bit cheeky expecting you to pay for him (is he paying anything contribution wise)?

dumbstruckdumptruck · 27/08/2022 09:39

I think it's fine to want to spend time with your own DD – I assume they're together all the time at uni?

Is he staying at your house for the whole summer? Where are his parents?

I'd go against the grain and say you're well within your rights to ask him to go home for a few days so you can spend time with your daughter before she returns to uni.

Goingtogoinsane · 27/08/2022 09:40

Students as in uni students? They’re used to their own space. Sorry yabu

Original poster
cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:48

He's not here the whole time - visiting for a week. And she has visited him. I do understand that they want to be together and that parents are very dull. But they are in our house and if, as my DD likes to remind me, she is now an adult, then is it unreasonable to expect them to have some adult obligations towards us - like a bit of interaction and communication - rather than just lock themselves away?

OP posts:
GretaVanFleet · 27/08/2022 09:49

I would go to the room, knock on the door and tell them that I’m arranging a family meal and they’re invited. Then during the meal, I’d bring up that they can pick an evening the next week and the two of them can make dinner for everyone. That said, my DC wouldn’t think this odd as they cook anyway and as we eat together as much as we can as family mealtimes are very important to me.

dumbstruckdumptruck · 27/08/2022 09:50

Goingtogoinsane · 27/08/2022 09:40

Students as in uni students? They’re used to their own space. Sorry yabu

I'm 'used to my own space' but that doesn't mean I can't find some manners and spend time with my parents if I'm staying in their house and eating their food.

Summer holidays are long and there's plenty of opportunity to be with her boyfriend AND talk to her mother from time to time.

Do people honestly not expect anything of their young adults?

Original poster
cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:53

Thinking about it, it's not even that I expect them to spend more time with us - just be around the house a bit more. We have quite a big house; they could be in the lounge and have it to themselves. It's the shutting themselves away all the time I find difficult.

OP posts:
Catch21 · 27/08/2022 09:53

Maybe you could organise something specific, eg a meal out together, rather than a vague 'it would be nice to see more of them'.

Mudblast · 27/08/2022 09:59

If hes only there a week then i don't think its worth worrying about

Its totally normal, they will just want to be together and will feel like they have to be polite in front of you. If theyve only got a week then they might feel comfortable making small talk etc

As a young adult i never felt like i could be totally myself or relax in communal areas, especially with friends round. You have to change your conversations etc to stuff thats more inclusive, and more polite. Im sure many people felt the same especially around parents and inlaws.

Im also sure many parents would be complaining if the boyfriend was always in the lounge and feeling like they were doing the small talk and couldn't relax

Lasagnainmyhair · 27/08/2022 10:03

Summer holidays are long and there's plenty of opportunity to be with her boyfriend AND talk to her mother from time to time.

You’re right the summer is long, dd finished early June and won’t be going back up there until mid September, her course doesn’t even start again until October. But OP has said DDs boyfriend is here for one week and she spent a week at his, that’s 2 weeks out of 3 months, they’re obviously going to want to spend it together and out doing things, what’s wrong with that?

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:03

I assumed the boyfriend was staying with you for the whole holidays. He's there for a week so you should leave them to it and stop interfering. And to say that you just want them to be in other rooms of the house is very controlling and completely needless. Just give them their week of privacy. He's come to see your daughter, not you.

YellowTreeHouse · 27/08/2022 10:06

cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:53

Thinking about it, it's not even that I expect them to spend more time with us - just be around the house a bit more. We have quite a big house; they could be in the lounge and have it to themselves. It's the shutting themselves away all the time I find difficult.

Don’t be so controlling. It’s for a week.

Anon778833 · 27/08/2022 10:07

I think what you describe is fairly typical. It’s understandable that you feel upset / disappointed but yeah, typical unfortunately.

StClare101 · 27/08/2022 10:09

People seem to expect very little from young adults these days. He’s a guest in your house. He should of course be interacting with you, eating meals with you and so on.

CoalCraft · 27/08/2022 10:11

YABU regardless, but especially as it's only for a week.

Don't cook for them or otherwise play host for them, and obviously do insist that they clean up after themselves, and otherwy just let them crack on.

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:11

StClare101 · 27/08/2022 10:09

People seem to expect very little from young adults these days. He’s a guest in your house. He should of course be interacting with you, eating meals with you and so on.

But surely that's down to OPs daughter to organise? He is there to visit his gf and if she is happy in her room why would he suggest spending time with her parents? It's not the 1940s and presumably he is making polite conversation when they aren't in her room.

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:12

CoalCraft · 27/08/2022 10:11

YABU regardless, but especially as it's only for a week.

Don't cook for them or otherwise play host for them, and obviously do insist that they clean up after themselves, and otherwy just let them crack on.

Agree with this - leave them to sort themselves out, they would probably prefer that anyway.

CoalCraft · 27/08/2022 10:12

*otherwise

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:13

Do people honestly not expect anything of their young adults?

no on mumsnet they don’t!

zero expectations of them

many parents happy to subsidise them and give them money for ever more, even basic manners and pleasantries are seen as unreasonable to expect of them

basically people on here are so prostate with gratitude that their off-spring are not on drugs or mh problems that that’s enough for them and they don’t expect anything else even perfectly normal stuff like cleaning up after yourself or not moving in your gf or bf or taking the piss with having them round all the time or getting a job or contributing to the running of the Household or moving out before the age of 40 etc etc

balalake · 27/08/2022 10:14

I hope the room is being cleaned, clothes changed often (assuming they are wearing them, sorry if tmi), and the windows open for fresh air.

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:13

Do people honestly not expect anything of their young adults?

no on mumsnet they don’t!

zero expectations of them

many parents happy to subsidise them and give them money for ever more, even basic manners and pleasantries are seen as unreasonable to expect of them

basically people on here are so prostate with gratitude that their off-spring are not on drugs or mh problems that that’s enough for them and they don’t expect anything else even perfectly normal stuff like cleaning up after yourself or not moving in your gf or bf or taking the piss with having them round all the time or getting a job or contributing to the running of the Household or moving out before the age of 40 etc etc

But OP hasn't said her DD or her BF are doing any of these things...

PacificState · 27/08/2022 10:17

I think if you want your DC to enjoy your company and want to spend time with you in the long run (and bring your grandchildren to see you happily and regularly) your best chance of achieving that is to let them grow into adults at their own pace and respect their entirely normal 'my parents don't really exist' phase without comment.

If they're being actively rude or selfish, it's worth remarking on. Otherwise, focus on having a full and happy life that doesn't involve them, because very soon they'll be gone and whether you ever see them or not will depend largely on how much they experience you as someone who loves them but doesn't constantly try to tell them how to run their lives.