Page 4 | to think my DD and her boyfriend should emerge from her room occasionally?

cottontail2 · 2022-08-27T08:31:38+00:00

They're students and when they're here during the holidays, we literally only see them if they are getting food or on their way out. We have had one meal together (at my insistence) but they went out straight after that. I'm beginning to feel resentful that they're closeted in her room the whole time - it seems kind of blatant. And I feel used as a kitchen pitstop. And I am quite hurt that they don't choose to spend more time with us. This is new territory for me. I get the excitement of first love etc but is this behaviour acceptable? What should my tolerance levels be? They are nice kids but she can be very selfish at times and I'm not sure if this is one of those times or if she's just doing what teenagers do. Please advise! I may well be BU.

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 13:40

That was @AnnaFri

LightsDownLowDancingSlow · 27/08/2022 13:44

Of course they’ll spend a lot of time in her room but showing a bit of interest in family life, when you’re in the family home is basic manners. If his parents are so cool and you are something to be ashamed of/ignored, then they can go to his house.

A few meals, a chat about where they’ve been when they’ve gone out, them asking what you’re up to etc, is normal and what I’d expect. They can still have 22 hours of the day together alone.

Siepie · 27/08/2022 13:51

Zosime · 27/08/2022 10:50

As a young adult i never felt like i could be totally myself or relax in communal areas, especially with friends round. You have to change your conversations etc to stuff thats more inclusive, and more polite.

And I expect your parents changed their conversation, or had things they preferred not to talk about in front of you and your friends. Did they hide out in their room when you had friends round, and refuse to interact or spend time with you? Being polite and inclusive works both ways.

No, but when my parents had friends round for dinner, they would tell me to keep out of the dining room, so that they could have a nice time and adult conversation without us. I think that's quite normal.

Given that posters would be even more enraged if the daughter told her parents to keep out of a shared room, where else is she supposed to talk to her boyfriend?

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 13:55

Flatandhappy · 27/08/2022 13:36

So many people on MN are nuts, has nobody ever heard of basic manners. This whole idea that young people are entitled to live their lives whatever way they want and you are being unreasonable to expect them to do anything other than whatever they want in your home and you are an awful person to expect them to consider anyone else for a moment is just so bizarre I am grateful every day of my life that I no longer live in England.

Teens are exempt from basic manners it seems as we have to accommodate their every need and wishes.

I’ve asked Dd to be polite when visiting friends’ homes eg thanking host if she’s had a meal with them and saying goodbye when leaving. She has a lovely friend, bright bubbly girl, who never does any of the above and when I’ve pointed it out to Dd she’s brushed it off. I feel Dd doesn’t seem to understand it’s basic manners.

Ticksallboxes · 28/08/2022 00:39

Having experienced many of my friends complain about this sort of behaviour in the past year, I think unfortunately you reap what you sow.

So many of my friends when they had young children either seemed to quietly resent them getting in the way of their own fun, or just seemed to carry on regardless, with their young children fitting in around them.

Their DCs are all now around 16-18 years old and don't seem to have any real bond now with their parents, and the mothers especially are really feeling the change.

I don't want to sound smug, but I have (had actually) European parents and our DCs were and are centre-stage. We've just returned from a lovely holiday in Spain where our 18YO DS had a holiday romance, but still said he's looking forward to booking the same apartment with us next year.

Arbesque · 28/08/2022 08:12

YANBU. I would find that rude and irritating. They not in their student accommodation now and should adapt their behaviour and show some manners and respect.
But some parents are so busy trying to be cool friends rather than parents they're afraid to say boo to their teenagers anymore.

RelationshipOrNot · 28/08/2022 08:30

Just thinking back to when I was a teenager home from uni... would you rather have forced, resentful company, an awkward conversation over dinner that the other participant(s) would rather wasn't happening? How is that enjoyable Some PP don't seem to grasp the difference between "make her do it" and "make her want to do it" (impossible). It's natural at that time of life to pull away from your parents.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/08/2022 08:36

Ticksallboxes · 28/08/2022 00:39

Having experienced many of my friends complain about this sort of behaviour in the past year, I think unfortunately you reap what you sow.

So many of my friends when they had young children either seemed to quietly resent them getting in the way of their own fun, or just seemed to carry on regardless, with their young children fitting in around them.

Their DCs are all now around 16-18 years old and don't seem to have any real bond now with their parents, and the mothers especially are really feeling the change.

I don't want to sound smug, but I have (had actually) European parents and our DCs were and are centre-stage. We've just returned from a lovely holiday in Spain where our 18YO DS had a holiday romance, but still said he's looking forward to booking the same apartment with us next year.

@Ticksallboxes

rubbish!

your kids don’t have to be centre stage all the time and for your whole life to be dominated by them in order to have a good parent-child relationship

ffs

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 28/08/2022 08:38

RelationshipOrNot · 28/08/2022 08:30

Just thinking back to when I was a teenager home from uni... would you rather have forced, resentful company, an awkward conversation over dinner that the other participant(s) would rather wasn't happening? How is that enjoyable Some PP don't seem to grasp the difference between "make her do it" and "make her want to do it" (impossible). It's natural at that time of life to pull away from your parents.

I don't class eating one or two meals together as anything other than entirely normal behaviour. In a full week, they could easily spend an hour or two with the people who are being good enough to host them for free.

What other guests would you be happy to not see for the full week they lived in your house?

RelationshipOrNot · 28/08/2022 08:48

Newly adult children home for the holidays aren't normal guests though. It's a weird period of life where you're not really a child or an adult, and your relationship to your parents and your/their home changes. It's not like you go to uni and then suddenly become a guest in your parents' home by the Christmas holidays. But at the same time, your "real life" starts shifting to somewhere else. It's not ideal for the parents, sure, but neither is waking up all night with a newborn. For some it will be worse than others. It's just part of the transitions of parenting and life. I'd try to just roll my eyes and remember it's temporary.

GlueyMooey · 28/08/2022 08:59

How does your family interact?
My four kids are all adults and have left home but when they were teens and dating I'd tempt them to interact with food or board games or computer game sessions. That way you all get to hang out and have fun but it's it for that long. Id also offer a quick informal lunch out or coffee and a cake out. Not a whole long commitment - just an hour or so.
Board game and computer sessions are an important part of how our family works.