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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD and her boyfriend should emerge from her room occasionally?

86 replies

cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:31

They're students and when they're here during the holidays, we literally only see them if they are getting food or on their way out. We have had one meal together (at my insistence) but they went out straight after that. I'm beginning to feel resentful that they're closeted in her room the whole time - it seems kind of blatant. And I feel used as a kitchen pitstop. And I am quite hurt that they don't choose to spend more time with us. This is new territory for me. I get the excitement of first love etc but is this behaviour acceptable? What should my tolerance levels be? They are nice kids but she can be very selfish at times and I'm not sure if this is one of those times or if she's just doing what teenagers do. Please advise! I may well be BU.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:18

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:15

But OP hasn't said her DD or her BF are doing any of these things...

Show quote history

@SushiSuave

No but those things seem to be influencing other posters responses to op - telling her she’s being unreasonable and controlling to expect basic manners and courtesy from this young man and her daughter who is staying in HER house for a week!

And no it’s not her daughters house too, it’s HER MOTHERs house

they both just need to show a bit of respect

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:18

StClare101 · 27/08/2022 10:09

People seem to expect very little from young adults these days. He’s a guest in your house. He should of course be interacting with you, eating meals with you and so on.

Alternatively people on here often seem to forget how they were at that age

I could think of nothing worse as a late teen/young adult than awkwardly sitting with my boyfriends parents when visiting

So much so had they insisted I wouldn't go over and have had him round mine instead

Brigante9 · 27/08/2022 10:19

It’s for one week? I’d tolerate it then tell her he isn’t coming back given the anti-social behaviour. It’s not very mature of them.

chilliesandspices · 27/08/2022 10:23

If you don't like it, tell them they're not welcome. I'm sure she'd happily go to his house instead.

TheLoupGarou · 27/08/2022 10:24

For a week? Sorry OP - YABU.
I'm assuming she asked you if it was ok for him to visit and that when you do see him in passing he's polite etc.

I would leave them to it, let them sort out their own food and 'activities' don't be cleaning up after them, ask them to do it themselves.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 10:25

It’s completely normal

There’s a theory that the reason teen’s body clocks change and they stay up and sleep late, is to help them separate from the tribe and then re-emerge as adults. This is part of that same life stage - they aren’t kids anymore, and to become adults they need to separate from you and the world of their childhood. (Also, sex is new and super exciting.)

It’s only a week OP, they aren’t sponging off you all summer, so you might want to examine why you are having such a strong reaction.

Do make sure you insist they bring down dirty plates / clean up after themselves, otherwise let them get on with it and get on with your own life.

Your daughter will emerge as a nice young woman who does want to hang out with you sometimes. Just give it a few years.

crochetmeahat · 27/08/2022 10:27

They are probably used to being cooped up in a student bedroom.

I think it's rude though so I would be having a chat about courtesy and manners. It's not about trying to control them just about being civilised adults.

TheLoupGarou · 27/08/2022 10:27

I agree totally that some people forget what they were like as a teenager. Sitting awkwardly with your boyfriend's parents - no thanks! Yes, of course it's not very mature - she's what, 28 or 19?

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 10:28

Hopefully his parents will have a few expectations of her being courteous while she’s at their home.

Is it too difficult for them to have a couple of meals or even make a meal for the family and have a bit of interaction?

He’s not there to see the family but he’s not staying at a hotel either.

incognitopurple · 27/08/2022 10:29

he could be feeling awkward around you, might just be wanting some time together to chill (it’s not always more than that).

PacificState · 27/08/2022 10:29

CoalCraft · 27/08/2022 10:11

YABU regardless, but especially as it's only for a week.

Don't cook for them or otherwise play host for them, and obviously do insist that they clean up after themselves, and otherwy just let them crack on.

Yup when my sons' girlfriends are over they shop for their own food and make their own meals. I'll usually offer one evening meal that we all have together but sometimes they'll choose to do a takeaway instead.

In the course of a couple of days we'll probably have a couple of chats with them as they wander around the house. Sometimes they sit and watch the Big TV.

Sometimes they'll ask for a lift somewhere and if it's convenient for me I'll do it, if it's not I won't. No big deal either way.

They don't make any mess because they're mostly in the bedrooms, and I haven't cleaned their bedrooms since they were 12 and 10 years old! So long as dirty crockery gets put in the dishwasher and dirty clothes get put in the laundry bin I refuse to stress about the rest.

InsertPunHere · 27/08/2022 10:29

YABU - it's a week, they will be closeted together the whole time. Perfectly normal teen-in-love behaviour.

They become normal again in a few years.

crochetmeahat · 27/08/2022 10:30

And yes I was like this at 19/20 but both my parents and my boyfriend's told us off for it

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 10:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:18

@SushiSuave

No but those things seem to be influencing other posters responses to op - telling her she’s being unreasonable and controlling to expect basic manners and courtesy from this young man and her daughter who is staying in HER house for a week!

And no it’s not her daughters house too, it’s HER MOTHERs house

they both just need to show a bit of respect

Show quote history

@SushiSuave

They aren’t being disrespectful, they are being teens.

You have just forgotten what it’s like.

Of course the Op can insist on more interaction. I am sure they will politely comply, but they’ll also avoid staying their when possible.

It’s a brief and natural life stage.

Don’t be so hysterical.

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:33

@Luredbyapomegranate that post wasn't from me, I couldn't disagree more with it.

Dadaya · 27/08/2022 10:35

They’re probably having loads of sex. Let them enjoy it while they’re young and have the opportunity!

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2022 10:38

So when they come down for meals, who clears up? Do they happily chat at the table?
What about washing? Are you expected to do it? Do they bring down any crockery from the room?
Has your DD not offered any help at all while she's at home?

Original poster
cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 10:43

*I think if you want your DC to enjoy your company and want to spend time with you in the long run (and bring your grandchildren to see you happily and regularly) your best chance of achieving that is to let them grow into adults at their own pace and respect their entirely normal 'my parents don't really exist' phase without comment.

If they're being actively rude or selfish, it's worth remarking on. Otherwise, focus on having a full and happy life that doesn't involve them, because very soon they'll be gone and whether you ever see them or not will depend largely on how much they experience you as someone who loves them but doesn't constantly try to tell them how to run their lives.*

Thank you, Pacific State. This is very sensible.

OP posts:
YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 10:44

I think they're both incredibly rude!

I would be knocking on the door and being clear that they're joining the family for dinner, etc.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:47

PacificState · 27/08/2022 10:17

I think if you want your DC to enjoy your company and want to spend time with you in the long run (and bring your grandchildren to see you happily and regularly) your best chance of achieving that is to let them grow into adults at their own pace and respect their entirely normal 'my parents don't really exist' phase without comment.

If they're being actively rude or selfish, it's worth remarking on. Otherwise, focus on having a full and happy life that doesn't involve them, because very soon they'll be gone and whether you ever see them or not will depend largely on how much they experience you as someone who loves them but doesn't constantly try to tell them how to run their lives.

I hate this attitude that you have to be completely accepting of your offsprings behaviour and beholden to them else they will “go no contact” with you and not let you see your grandchildren… in reality that would last all of two weeks until they want a night out and want grandparents to babysit!

Frazzled2207 · 27/08/2022 10:48

If It’s literally a week I’d let it go. But make it clear that they can have the lounge etc to themselves if they want to. Make a point of saying you want the bf to feel at home in the house, not want to just stay in the same room all the time etc

can you suggest all going out to dinner one eve?

it’s a shame they choose to be so anti-social but not unusual don’t think.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 27/08/2022 10:48

YANBU. I think it’s very rude, and I’d be disappointed if my DC behaved like that at a future partner’s parents house. but for a week I’d put up with it and gently discuss it with DD after he’s gone.
I Assumed from your OP that he was staying the whole summer in which case totally unacceptable.

Zosime · 27/08/2022 10:50

As a young adult i never felt like i could be totally myself or relax in communal areas, especially with friends round. You have to change your conversations etc to stuff thats more inclusive, and more polite.

And I expect your parents changed their conversation, or had things they preferred not to talk about in front of you and your friends. Did they hide out in their room when you had friends round, and refuse to interact or spend time with you? Being polite and inclusive works both ways.

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:51

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 10:44

I think they're both incredibly rude!

I would be knocking on the door and being clear that they're joining the family for dinner, etc.

And they'd probably then go stay elsewhere

I know I would

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 10:53

Or maybe @AnnaFri they'd learn a wee bit about how you behave as a guest.

Are you honestly telling me you'd walk out of your parents house because they wanted you to have dinner with them?😆 Sure you would.