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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD and her boyfriend should emerge from her room occasionally?

86 replies

cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 09:31

They're students and when they're here during the holidays, we literally only see them if they are getting food or on their way out. We have had one meal together (at my insistence) but they went out straight after that. I'm beginning to feel resentful that they're closeted in her room the whole time - it seems kind of blatant. And I feel used as a kitchen pitstop. And I am quite hurt that they don't choose to spend more time with us. This is new territory for me. I get the excitement of first love etc but is this behaviour acceptable? What should my tolerance levels be? They are nice kids but she can be very selfish at times and I'm not sure if this is one of those times or if she's just doing what teenagers do. Please advise! I may well be BU.

OP posts:
Spanielsarepainless · 27/08/2022 10:58

With the wonderful weather we have had and are continuing to have, why on earth are they holed up indoors? I did most of my 'courting' outside, going for walks, sitting in the park chatting. Or are they just at it all the time? YANBU, they are bloody rude.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/08/2022 10:59

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:51

And they'd probably then go stay elsewhere

I know I would

Show quote history

@AnnaFri

lol where? They’re students they’ll have no money.
where else can they stay where theyll get a roof over their head and meals for free

they just need to show some respect and manners. they are young adults not aliens - it’s not beyond them

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 11:00

@LuckySantangelo35 to the other parents house

Or go back to uni

When I was at uni many came back early as their parents were annoying them back at home

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 11:01

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 10:53

Or maybe @AnnaFri they'd learn a wee bit about how you behave as a guest.

Are you honestly telling me you'd walk out of your parents house because they wanted you to have dinner with them?😆 Sure you would.

Not me on my own no

But if they expected my boyfriend at that age to join for meals and got shitty about it I'd have gone to his for the break instead of splitting time

Thankfully my parents weren't dicks and understand when you're 16-21 you don't really want to hang with your parents with your boyfriend, and the partners often don't - it's awkward

Many are still awkward about it as adults, just look at the many 'I don't want to go with DH to visit my ILs' posts

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 11:01

Having a couple of conversations and sharing a few meals is 'annoying' to people who are enjoying free hospitality for a week?

Anyone with that attitude sounds like a rude entitled bastard.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/08/2022 11:03

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 10:33

@Luredbyapomegranate that post wasn't from me, I couldn't disagree more with it.

Ah sorry -

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 11:04

Honestly, the self righteous attitude of some of these posts is awful. IT IS ONE WEEK! Leave them alone for Christ's sake. And I also find it odd that so many posters are assuming they are having sex the whole time. Perhaps they just want some privacy together, somewhere comfortable as opposed to sitting on a park bench. As a parent I often think to myself "is this a necessary rule or is it actually pointless". I would suggest that lots of the comments about being at the table for every meal, or sitting in the living room instead of her bedroom are indeed, pointless. As a member of the household it IS also her home and therefore she is entitled to do as she likes in her room.

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 27/08/2022 11:07

I don't think anyone has said they should share every meal. One or two, sure.

PacificState · 27/08/2022 11:10

Good luck OP. I know it can be a bit wounding when you realise your kids (temporarily) regard you as a bit boring and irrelevant. As many others have said it's just a totally, totally normal stage and has nothing to do with how much they love you. My older DS couldn't get far enough away from me last summer. At the end of this university year he invited me up to take part in his gang's end of exam celebrations. He said afterwards 'most people don't invite their mums to that, you know'. I think it was his way of apologising for being a twat the summer before!

It will all pass. What really matters is, do you love and trust each other (and look after each other) in the long run.

@LuckySantangelo35 there's some research somewhere that parents can basically be divided into those who think 'obedience' is the most important characteristic in a child and those who think 'independence of thought' is the most important. Loads of parenting differences stem from that basic difference. I'm not grateful to my kids and I don't expect them to be grateful to me. I love them. I chose to have them. I look after them. I see that as being my job. And then when I'm old and incontinent I'll find out whether they want to do the same for me (as I do for my dad, very willingly and happily). Gratitude is just... nowhere in the picture. Find it a really odd word to use in the context of parenting to be honest.

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 11:10

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 11:04

Honestly, the self righteous attitude of some of these posts is awful. IT IS ONE WEEK! Leave them alone for Christ's sake. And I also find it odd that so many posters are assuming they are having sex the whole time. Perhaps they just want some privacy together, somewhere comfortable as opposed to sitting on a park bench. As a parent I often think to myself "is this a necessary rule or is it actually pointless". I would suggest that lots of the comments about being at the table for every meal, or sitting in the living room instead of her bedroom are indeed, pointless. As a member of the household it IS also her home and therefore she is entitled to do as she likes in her room.

Are you having a laugh? what is self righteous about asking for some courtesy and for expecting your child not to be totally self absorbed.

I don't think OP is expecting scheduled activities with them but some effort to acknowledge the family, have a bit of interaction is surely in order?

OP had to insist on one meal together FGS

GretaVanFleet · 27/08/2022 11:16

She’s not a lodger, she’s the OPs daughter and she’s come home with her boyfriend for a week so it’s not unreasonable to expect to spend some time actually seeing them. My DD recently did come home for a week with her BF and we all ate together the first night and in the week they cooked a meal for everyone as a thank you for the bf staying. The other nights they had plans so were out and about. I’d be concerned about their relationship if they spent the whole time hauled up in a bedroom. Was he trying to alienate her from us?

SushiSuave · 27/08/2022 11:18

GretaVanFleet · 27/08/2022 11:16

She’s not a lodger, she’s the OPs daughter and she’s come home with her boyfriend for a week so it’s not unreasonable to expect to spend some time actually seeing them. My DD recently did come home for a week with her BF and we all ate together the first night and in the week they cooked a meal for everyone as a thank you for the bf staying. The other nights they had plans so were out and about. I’d be concerned about their relationship if they spent the whole time hauled up in a bedroom. Was he trying to alienate her from us?

No, my understanding is that the daughter is there for the whole summer, the boyfriend has come to visit her for a week. If the daughter was only home for a week then I would be more inclined to agree with you.

fghj149 · 27/08/2022 11:23

YANBU, it’s rude, I knew at that age it would be rude to do that. It’s your house!

CPL593H · 27/08/2022 11:25

In my youth it was lurking in your bedroom with your mates rather than boyfriends (it was a long time ago Grin) but it really is absolutely normal for this age and I don't think worth stressing over, as long as they are not impinging on you with eg late night loud music or too much bathroom hogging. It's easy to forget that most of us were self absorbed and not really on the same planet as "proper" adults at that age. It passes.

If you really want to interact OP, lure them out with a trail of pizza and beer or something.

Roselilly36 · 27/08/2022 11:30

My DS & his GF are the same, emerge for food, will chat at dinner etc then back to his room. I would love to spend more time to chat to her, she is a really lovely young woman. Having said that DS is the same when his GF isn’t here to be fair.

Original poster
cottontail2 · 27/08/2022 11:41

My DS & his GF are the same, emerge for food, will chat at dinner etc then back to his room. I would love to spend more time to chat to her, she is a really lovely young woman. Having said that DS is the same when his GF isn’t here to be fair.

Yes, this pretty much sums it up. It’s definitely my DD’s initiative to hide away (which she also does when he’s not here). Once or twice he’s looked a bit startled when she’s hauled him back upstairs. He’s great and very easy going and I would love to talk to him more but presumably I’m far too embarrassing for that to be allowed. It doesn’t help that she talks about his uber-cool parents in glowing terms

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/08/2022 11:55

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:51

And they'd probably then go stay elsewhere

I know I would

Show quote history

That would be fine then. If you can't manage a short time of interaction and politeness, best you go elsewhere

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2022 11:57

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 11:00

@LuckySantangelo35 to the other parents house

Or go back to uni

When I was at uni many came back early as their parents were annoying them back at home

I wonder how many were annoying their parents...

D1ngledanglers · 27/08/2022 12:02

Don't be controlling by telling them where in the house they should be.
Do go in the bedroom with them, sit on the bed & have a chat.
Tell them about your day, whether they want to know or not!
Put music on downstairs.
Be nice & welcoming, ask them for their plans, suggest a coffee out together. Treat the bf like he's gonna be the best sil ever.
If the room's a shit hole, tell them (in a nice way) to sort it out.
They're adults - treat them as such.
If you act as though you disapprove, they will carry on exactly as they are!
If you want jobs done, ask nicely, whilst seated on the bed in her room! Involve the bf in those jobs( Stake your claim - shutting themselves away won't work in your house!)

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 12:26

We encourage this selfish and entitled behaviour (looking especially at you pp who thinks she’s entitled to do as she wishes in her own room) and then wonder why they become selfish and entitled adults.

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/08/2022 13:27

I remember being a young, in love teenager who couldn't keep my hands off now dh.
I think that if we had been apart and only had a week together but were living in my parents home, I would have spent most of my time in the bedroom with him as well.

My ds1 lives with his girlfriend at university bit they both went home through covid, holidays etc. I'm always amazed to see them out of his room when she stays here. I think of it as a honeymoon period, they just want to be with each other.

There's nothing wrong with that.

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 13:30

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 12:26

We encourage this selfish and entitled behaviour (looking especially at you pp who thinks she’s entitled to do as she wishes in her own room) and then wonder why they become selfish and entitled adults.

Of course she is entitled to do as she wishes in her own room

What an odd view to think people aren't entitled to do that

Flatandhappy · 27/08/2022 13:36

So many people on MN are nuts, has nobody ever heard of basic manners. This whole idea that young people are entitled to live their lives whatever way they want and you are being unreasonable to expect them to do anything other than whatever they want in your home and you are an awful person to expect them to consider anyone else for a moment is just so bizarre I am grateful every day of my life that I no longer live in England.

Rewis · 27/08/2022 13:38

I don't think you are unreasonable. It is readable to expect them to have dinner/breakfast/tea/chill every day for at least a short time. And not have the house to be a hotel. However, if its only a week you'll just suck it up and maybe they'll grow put of it by next holiday.

Maggiethecat · 27/08/2022 13:38

Quite

In the context of the Op she’s perfectly entitled to just use home as hotel for bf. No need for a bit of politeness or courtesy.