Mums know and understand their children better than anyone else

104 replies

Asaturdayinthe90s · 27/08/2022 08:59

This is true, isn’t it?

It sometimes bugs me, the advice or way of parenting Dh does or the way my mum or sil advises/approaches things

Aibu to think the mother knows and understands her child more than anyone else and knows what they need/what’s best for them?

OP posts:

noclothesinbed · 27/08/2022 21:09

No. Mums are controlled by emotion. They can't see when the child is playing theM. They can also struggle to be firm and follow through with discipline because they want to pacify and give the child what they want all the time. Child carers who love the child but can also follow through with strict boundaries are best for children because the emotion is not as strong to want to please the child all the time.

BogRollBOGOF · 27/08/2022 21:11

aloris · 27/08/2022 16:28

I think mothers usually spend more time with their kids than other people, even if the kids are in childcare all day. Also, mothers are usually the primary caregiver in the sense of being the one responsible for managing the childcare, interacting with doctors, teachers etc. So the teacher may see different behavior when the child is at school, but the teacher isn't privy to the child's medical history or details of the family history. The doctor knows the child's medical history but does not know how they are getting on at school because he/she is not interacting in detail with the child's teachers. The mother is usually the person who is being given (and who is mentally collating) all the disparate information from all the people who are providing different aspects of the child's care.

In addition, a big one (I think) is that when the child is sick, it's usually the mother who is caring for him/her. When the child is sick, they get sent home from school so the teacher is not observing their sick behavior. If they see the doctor, he/she will only observe their behavior long enough to make a diagnosis and treat, but will not be around to observe all the other things the child does when sick.

So from all that viewpoint, I think the mother is getting the most complete information.

How mothers use that information is variable. Some mothers are good at using the information and others selectively ignore information they don't want to hear. But I think in most cases (unless the father is the primary caregiver in the family) it's the mother who is the ultimate destination of information about the child. For that reason, although it's fine for in-laws to give input, I think they need to do it with the understanding that the mother will take it under advisement and that the mother does not have an obligation to obey the in-law/ neighbor/ best friend,/random lady on the train who thinks the mother is clearly wrong based on 2 minutes of observation. I know some commenters are saying there are areas where they have seen a mother do something clearly wrong, but sometimes the mother's action is being motivated by specific information not known to an outsider. (That could even be medical information. Recall that if you aren't one of the parents then the parents have no obligation to communicate their child's private medical information to you.)

But I wouldn't say that a mother "knows the child best." I think that comes with unspoken connotations that a mother knows her child better than the child him/herself. That can be used, even by well-meaning, kind mothers, and even unintentionally, to limit the child's potential by essentially creating a self-image that the child cannot (is not allowed to, or is incapable of) step outside the box of the mother's image of that child. When a child is little then a mother has to use her information to fill in the blanks of what the child cannot communicate. But as the child gets older I think it's important for mothers to step back a bit and explicitly acknowledge to the child that they are their own person and get to decide the boundaries of their own potential.

This post sums it up well.

I've worked a lot with children and seen the way they can "switch" their personality in different settings. DS2 does this and his school personality is very different to his home personality. Having helped in school and an extra-curricular, I've seen it in action. I do listen to what other people say about him (them).

I have the opposite issue with DS1 who masks a lot with his autism. Just because he superficially looks like he copes, it doesn't mean that he is actually coping at all. People don't tend to "see" the way his autism affects him unless he knows them very well and he feels free to express himself.

DS2 has had some recent health issues and while his measurements were OK at that point, he was not being his usual Tiggery self and that needed pointing out; that's the level that the expression tends to work on.

Children's personalities get more complex and sophisticated with age. They also get more able to vouch for themselves. Generally mums tend to be the role that has the biggest picture. They also have their own biases and filters too.

londonlass71 · 27/08/2022 21:11

No I think mum's can decide what they feel is best for their kids but I don't think they know them in every single situation all the time.

Annieisalright · 27/08/2022 21:11

Definitely not

So YABU

I think it's fair to say parents know their child's temperament best

But anything further than that is you wanting to sound important

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