Mums know and understand their children better than anyone else

[Asaturdayinthe90s]

This is true, isn’t it?

It sometimes bugs me, the advice or way of parenting Dh does or the way my mum or sil advises/approaches things

Aibu to think the mother knows and understands her child more than anyone else and knows what they need/what’s best for them?

my mother liked to think this, but it was always my father that could, and indeed can, instinctively read me.

So I do wonder how many mothers believe this because they want it to be true, as opposed to it being true.

I agree about the different personalities thing. I would argue our children are split between me and dp in terms of knowing them best. My youngest im better at understanding, my son and Dp for example have a bond where dp is much better able to anticipate bigger emotions and things that are overwhelming, they seem to be more attuned to each other.

As a controversial take....
I do child care for my sister and im a 100% sure that their approach doesnt work for their daughter. Their daughter is active, willfull and their parenting style is very authoritarian and based on "she should do this because ive told her too". It worked for their older son who liked clear boundaries and responded to it. Their daughter does not and they dont recognise it.

They dont seem to be able to harness her energy, or anticipate what happens next. Eg when we are on a day out, i can see things coming eg the combination of that noise and the lights will overhype her, or she will run to that thing. They dont seem to either care about predicting it or cant. They are engaged in a constant battle with her because they dont seem to be able to atune to her needs, or see that shouting has very little effect on her. Some of personality based eg. They feel like if theyve asked her to do something and she doesnt then they cant back down under any circumstances.

She responds well to sillyness, and to competiveness so for example she often can put on her shoes with a "how quick can you do this?" We mentioned this to them when they were having battles about shoes with her everytime and they said that she just needed to learn to listen, so will just tell her to put shoes on and shout at her till its done.

They often say that shes a different child at home compared to what school says. We dont say that shes also much better behaved with us. Ive no doubt that often kids are worse for their parents, but theirs is compounded by their disconnect with her

I think It can be dangerous to think you know everything about your kids. Don't assume you know everything and that you are always right as sometimes you may not be.

It may well be that your parenting of your child is more effective than that of your DH or sister in law. I probably wouldn’t extrapolate your single experience to 5 -6 billion other adults though.

Not always.

It took a teacher spelling it out to me for me to understand that my dc probably had a urinary incontinence disorder. Turned out that dc needed medication and a lot of behavioural support.

I also did not recognise that another dc was neurodivergent, despite our frequent interactions with the Senco. Turned out that dc is autistic.

It's not that I'm ignorant or careless. I'm a very engaged and considered mother. But I'm also very accepting of my dc as who they are. So in this case Mum did not know better. Mum did not understand what her children needed, because love and acceptance from Mum and Dad was not enough.

This. I know my two well, I do what I think is best, sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. If I choose to ignore the wrongs or choose to ignore the ideas and observations of others I would be failing them both.

So you can understand from a child’s perspective that mum doesn’t know everything at all and just thinks they do. So use that knowledge to understand your own behavior towards your child.

Dh and I know our child best - better than anyone else. And that includes paediatricians for the poster who mentioned them.

This in spades.

You know your individual child best but I don’t think you can possibly say you understand medical issues in children better than a paediatrician does.

This is true for me although I don't think its the same for every one.

The kids is utterly clueless on how the kids are feeling

No I don't agree with you, at all.

Healthcare wise there seems to be a want to 'prove the doctors wrong!!'

And in terms of general parenting, I'd say whoever the primary carer is usually understands the child best. Not always though.

My mum and dad never 'got' me, but my nana did.

I think you're just telling yourself that to make yourself feel superior.

I think this is a really unhealthy attitude to have. Your child is their own person, and no one person is going to know what's best for them in every single circumstances.

When they're very young, if you're the person who is around them the most, then yes, you'll probably notice signs that show how they're feeling that others won't pick up on. But as they get a bit older, develop their own personality and have their own life experiences away from you (e.g. in school) this will change, and that's when considering you know what's best for them at all times will lead to a very damaged and controlling relationship if you're not careful.

"You know your individual child best but I don’t think you can possibly say you understand medical issues in children better than a paediatrician does."

I know what is normal behaviour for my (non verbal) child and when something isn't right. I may not know exactly what is wrong and how to treat it but I do know that something is wrong. Unfortunately some medical professionals don't listen to parents and say it is attention seeking or " being autistic" when it is a child hurting themselves in pain. We have had this several times ( including a paediatrician who was proved to be wrong when we eventually got access to a professional with expertise in that area).

I don't think knowing your child best and knowing what is best for them are the same thing which is why we listen to the views of professionals when making decisions but there are certainly professionals whose views I respect and take into account of more than others.

No. I completely disagree with this. My DM did not understand me. My DF did far more.

Exactly this. Mothers aren’t born with an inbuilt radar for all things baby/kid related - they learn what works and what doesn’t work for each individual child through practice, and trial and error. If fathers are equally involved, they learn too. Then both parents know their kids well.

No, I think that’s complete bollocks. Possession of a uterus does not make you a default superior parent.

Nope. My DM didn't have a clue about me!

It does depend on the mother.

I most definately do.

3 kids with adhd and I certainly didn’t spot it till their 20’s. Although it had been mentioned by others when they were growing up. Made too many excuses for an alcoholic teen. No I didn’t know best.

I think mothers usually spend more time with their kids than other people, even if the kids are in childcare all day. Also, mothers are usually the primary caregiver in the sense of being the one responsible for managing the childcare, interacting with doctors, teachers etc. So the teacher may see different behavior when the child is at school, but the teacher isn't privy to the child's medical history or details of the family history. The doctor knows the child's medical history but does not know how they are getting on at school because he/she is not interacting in detail with the child's teachers. The mother is usually the person who is being given (and who is mentally collating) all the disparate information from all the people who are providing different aspects of the child's care.

In addition, a big one (I think) is that when the child is sick, it's usually the mother who is caring for him/her. When the child is sick, they get sent home from school so the teacher is not observing their sick behavior. If they see the doctor, he/she will only observe their behavior long enough to make a diagnosis and treat, but will not be around to observe all the other things the child does when sick.

So from all that viewpoint, I think the mother is getting the most complete information.

How mothers use that information is variable. Some mothers are good at using the information and others selectively ignore information they don't want to hear. But I think in most cases (unless the father is the primary caregiver in the family) it's the mother who is the ultimate destination of information about the child. For that reason, although it's fine for in-laws to give input, I think they need to do it with the understanding that the mother will take it under advisement and that the mother does not have an obligation to obey the in-law/ neighbor/ best friend,/random lady on the train who thinks the mother is clearly wrong based on 2 minutes of observation. I know some commenters are saying there are areas where they have seen a mother do something clearly wrong, but sometimes the mother's action is being motivated by specific information not known to an outsider. (That could even be medical information. Recall that if you aren't one of the parents then the parents have no obligation to communicate their child's private medical information to you.)

But I wouldn't say that a mother "knows the child best." I think that comes with unspoken connotations that a mother knows her child better than the child him/herself. That can be used, even by well-meaning, kind mothers, and even unintentionally, to limit the child's potential by essentially creating a self-image that the child cannot (is not allowed to, or is incapable of) step outside the box of the mother's image of that child. When a child is little then a mother has to use her information to fill in the blanks of what the child cannot communicate. But as the child gets older I think it's important for mothers to step back a bit and explicitly acknowledge to the child that they are their own person and get to decide the boundaries of their own potential.

Yes in my case. Stbxh has done less and less over the years and has made no effort to get to know our DC better l, nor to understand their SEN.

For most young kids, the person who spends the most time with them and focuses the most attention on them is their mum. And so in most cases she is the person who knows them best. But knowing them best isn’t the same as knowing them totally. People show different sides of themselves to different people, and that goes for kids too. And mums, at least as much as anyone else, can project their own ideas, insecurities, desires, etc. on to their kids and so not see them clearly. I think it’s also hard sometimes, when you’ve been caring for anyone for a long time, to recognise when they’ve changed. From what I’ve seen this is frequently a problem for mums when the kids hit adulthood.

It’s important to be a bit humble with the idea that you know them best as their mum, because there will always be lots of bits you’re missing. But as Mariokartedoff pointed out, your problem isn’t about whether or not you know your DD better than everyone else. it’s that these particular relatives are idiots.

Nope not true.

I don't believe in attachment theory either. It's a child development theory that's touted as a fact when there's loads of holes in it and evidence was not taken into account at the time. It suits people to think that the mum is the most important person to a child and lots of money is made selling attachment parenting or worse - attachment styles in adulthood to explain shit relationships. It's a load of bollocks. Also it became popular because of right wing fundamentalists in the US when Reagan wanted to introduce a national day care centre.

We've bore the price and the mum guilt from this rubbish.