Mums know and understand their children better than anyone else

[Asaturdayinthe90s]

This is true, isn’t it?

It sometimes bugs me, the advice or way of parenting Dh does or the way my mum or sil advises/approaches things

Aibu to think the mother knows and understands her child more than anyone else and knows what they need/what’s best for them?

@BeanieTeen I’m not meaning it like that at all

@MolliciousIntent Ok

Are you her main caregiver?

@MolliciousIntent Yes, but they’re a huge part of her life also

I think it depends on the mother. If your mother is emotionally abusive then no. But a parent who can form a genuinely healthy bond usually does know their child best because they spend 24/7 with that child, whereas for everyone else it’s a snapshot.

During my maternity leave, I 100% knew both of my DD’s the best. I was with them all day every day. DH knew them about 95% as well as me because he had to work (luckily WFH with DD2) but he was incredibly engaged with them and I knew I could leave either of them with him and he would cope just fine.

When I went back to work, I was working 60hr+ weeks so barely saw them. There were times I felt like I didn’t know my girls at all. I knew the children in my class better sometimes. That broke my heart. DH knew them better than me because he had them in the evenings whilst I worked but I would say my DM knew my youngest best because she had her for the majority of the day. DD1’s teacher probably had a better insight than me some days because of how little I was seeing them. I have changed jobs now and will be enjoying much more time with them both.

I know I could leave my DDs with my DH, my parents, his parents or any of our siblings and they would 100% do what was best for them. Maybe they wouldn’t get it completely right but neither do I. I am not going to insist that it’s my way or the highway because I am not that arrogant. I may offer suggestions to someone who has never looked after them but only to be helpful.

Well that’s because the parents themselves were probably racist. Where else would he have got it from?

There is a difference between mum always knowing best and relatives being twats who disregard your authority as a parent. You have the latter I'm afraid. Stand up for yourself more and tell your relatives to do one.

It does totally depend on the Mother, some aren't good, let alone great. On the whole if wanted to be, Mother's are switched into their baby's needs, more than anyone else. I've seen shocking neglect of a toddlers needs, especially when there's been SEN.

Then that's why. If her dad was her primary caregiver, he'd be just as attuned as you are. Unless he's a feckless git, in which case you probably shouldn't have had kids with him.

It sounds like the issue is a combination of you being a martyr and your DH/ILs being dicks, rather than mums having super powers.

I'm a single mum and I know it's true for me and that DC would agree with me. DC's dad will never know them the way I do as he's really not that interested to.

I suspect it's often true but certainly not always the case. And only to a certain age I guess.

I mean, I’d hope your DH knows his kids… if not get him to pull his finger out and do more with them

But OP you must know that it varies from person to person. Some parents are clueless, most good ones do find that external insight is really useful from time to time.

@Mariokartedoff It may be that then 🤣

@MolliciousIntent Definitely no martyr

God no ! I have no clue about DS 5 ! DH seems to understand him more 😂

Asa child whose mother said this to me throughout my childhood and then into adulthood, I'd say maybe, when they are young children. However as they get older no. Definitely not. And it can be really really damaging to your relationship with that child if you insist you know the, better and know what's best for them when I'm afraid you don't.

It's also really insulting to the child's father because again, in my case, my dad has always known me, understood me and got me more than my mother.

Health wise I seem to have more of a clue than DH about the kids. Emotionally- he knows them far better.

Different people/personalities and strengths. I wouldn't say that for me being a mother trump's his ability to know his children and what's best for them (emotionally at least).

I dont think its always the case

As a teen and now as an adult my mum doesnt know me the best. I also think my mum didnt parent me in the best way for me, but what she thought would have worked for her if that makes sense? Where she was preoccupied by her own thoughts and experiences, she didnt see that actually there was other much better ways of making me learn, soothing me etc.

Sometimes we are too close. My friend has a 4yr old who has shown clear signs of asd since he was a baby for example hand flapping. As friends and family we noticed this but personally i never brought it up because I assumed she'd be seeing what I see and thus it didnt seem any point of mentioning it. It turns out that she hadnt, and was very shocked when his nursery raised the signs they had noticed. I think because she saw him everyday she had been too close to see what other people saw quite easily. Once that conversation had been had, she suddenly saw all the things shed been missing

Sometimes parents arent up to date on guidance etc and i tend to hear the phrase "i know them best" as an excuse to not follow safe sleep guidance or do other risky things. I think we should be able to challenge mothers when they are putting their child at risk.

Ive also had two occasions where ive pointed out something to a friend who wasnt aware of it. One was that their baby was way too big for the style of car seat, the other was feeding baby rice and wasnt aware the guidelines dont support it as was just following what was the norm when she was little. As it was sensitively done, and hopefully respectfully theyve both thanked me.

As a parent i find it hard when theres an expectation that i will know everything when theres so much to know. Im happy to be treated as the expert for things like what food she eats or how best to settle her but i dont think that should mean i dont listen to advice. Its been helpful when people have said hey why dont you burp her like that etc. Sometimes im so in the middle of things its hard to see things to change.

My mil suggested some changes to bedtime routine, that 100% worked. We were too deep in the sleep battle to step back and see different ways of doing something

Generally people all have different techniques of doing stuff, and different parenting styles. Me and DP both sometimes think our way is better and its sometimes painful to watch eachother try and manage a five year old tantrum for example but i think ultimately it will be good for our kid to have two different parents.

I think your AIBU statement is incorrect but you’ve worded it that way to highlight a very specific issue with your dd.

Your relatives clearly don’t think the pain is an excuse for her bad behaviour but non of us can know the truth for sure. I’m personally quite cynical about any excuses for bad behaviour beyond severe special needs. They probably are too.

@Asaturdayinthe90s totally disagree. Being mum does not mean knowing best. My ExDSIL wouldn’t let my brother anywhere near their babies, if they cried and he went to pick them up, feed them or change a nappy she would cry, I stayed with them on and off for a month and it was awful watching it, she refused advice from anyone and eventually I asked her what would happen if she became really unwell
or simply needed a break. She ignored me and carried on. The end result was she had clingy children who struggled to bond with their own father and when her mother was unwell got annoyed because the children wouldn’t leave her alone or stay with my DB. My own mother liked to think she knew best but it was all about putting on an act and the reality was she was an awful parent. My father has given me wise advice and love that I have never experienced from my mother. I am the only sibling of 5 who has any contact and I do so solely because she is my mother. I loathe the term mother knows best because there are plenty of people who can know better.

I disagree

Also if your dh, parents, and sil all see your child's behaviour as needing to be dealt with regardless of illness it is worth considering they be correct. Not saying they are, but I would not just assume you know best.

As a teacher I would say 'definitely not!'
So many parents think that their children are angelic geniuses when they are not. The amount of parents who think their children are advanced for their age (when they aren't) is surprising too. Some parents think their children are just very energetic and fun loving, when they are actually aggressive and antisocial.

As a parent myself, I have been wrong many times. We are far, far too closely involved and invested in our little people to see them objectively.

I think I know my children better than anyone else. However, sometimes a more detached view can be a useful perspective.

No. DH knows her better. I get all my information from him.

Oh god that brings back memories of teaching teenagers a lifetime ago. Some of them totally manipulated their parents into believing all,sorts, including one kid who bullied other kids and staff - he once trapped me in my classroom and threatened me with a pair of scissors (proper ones not the kiddie ones) and I had to talk him down as there was no way of calling for help. His mum completely denied that it happened and called me a fantasist and accused me of bullying her child. She also claimed he had SEN when he didn't - he was just not very bright and was very disruptive.
We all breathed a sigh of relief - staff and students - when she decided that the school wasn't meeting his needs as a closet genius.

I also had times when the parents had written off their child as not very bright and in fact that child had a natural talent for my subject that they just hadn't seen. Those were the best ones to be honest because the parents were so happy and proud and you could see the joy in the kids faces.

Do they know them best? Often yes, but remember children will show a very different side of themselves to their teachers and to their friends. I think there are a lot of things our parents don't know about us.

Do they automatically know what's best for us? Absolutely not. Parenting doesn't come with a manual and it's silly to say that just because you're a woman with a child you magically have all the answers. It's ok to be fallible, that's why we have people to help like doctors, teachers, social workers etc.