Mums know and understand their children better than anyone else

[Asaturdayinthe90s]

This is true, isn’t it?

It sometimes bugs me, the advice or way of parenting Dh does or the way my mum or sil advises/approaches things

Aibu to think the mother knows and understands her child more than anyone else and knows what they need/what’s best for them?

No I don’t think so. I’m a child psychologist and work with lots of families who either feel there is no issue with their child when their is, or feels that the issue their child is having is much bigger than it actually is. A parent can know their child inside out but they don’t know their child within the context of other children, comparing to the wider population. I can go and see a child and instantly recognise that there are signs of autism because I’ve had years of training and experience to do that. The parent may say the child doesn’t have it, but that doesn’t take away from my professional experience and often it’s glaringly obvious to me.

Similarly I see lots of children with sensory issues which whilst are difficult for the child, many of them are quite typical for many children. They may need some relatively minor adaptations but I can make comparisons to other children and recognise when something is a big problem and when it’s not. That’s not to say I don’t place huge weight on what the parent says to me - I do, but often something that is very worrying to parents is part and parcel of typical child development.

*there

YABU.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to be able to see something we as parents don’t. I dismissed my twins’ speech delay because i could understand them. It genuinely came as a surprise when the HV referred them for speech therapy, and even more of a surprise when SALT then recommended they go into a specialised class in mainstream school.

Nope! Very grateful for any tips on 16 year old DD cos I sure as hell don't know what's going on with her.

Dh and I are equal in able to recognise what is normal behaviour for our children and what isn't. So for instance we both know that when our 5 year old gets tired he will get ratty and shriek. The difference is that I act before it gets to that stage whereas if we have friends over for example dh won't pop the kids to bed but will carry on enjoying himself. I would arrange for them to come in the afternoon so it wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not sure if I instinctively know better as my dh has always been an equal parent. What I would say is that I work in healthcare and have no qualms in asking for a second opinion or taking the kids back to the doctors for a second or third time whereas dh thinks a drs word is gospel.

I have had instances where my eldest was upset due to teething and my mum wanted to take over and calm her down. I let her have a try because you never know but ultimately she wanted me and I was able to calm her. Sometimes people think because they've had a kid or 4 that makes them a parenting expert, it really doesn't. It shows you can manage yours but all kids are different and involved parents know their own best.

A parent can know their child inside out but they don’t know their child within the context of other children, comparing to the wider population.

Correct.

Maybe when they're young, but almost certainly not when they learn to have their own mind!

I know mine, but more along the lines of I know what an absolute sly wind up merchant borderline psychopath he can be, he can charm the birds from a tree.

Despite his angelic blonde curls, surfer tan and bright big blue eyes and dashing looks. He's not the angel everyone perceives him to be 🙄

He's 8, is very good at socially acceptable answers and pulling the wool over teachers eyes.

There was 2 incidents where they wanted to do "restorative practice" with him, said it usually takes up all play time because the children need time to develop mature answers and understand.

I said you can try but I'd just keep him in at play time for the full time as punishment, because all he's going to do is feed you a pack of lies in less than 10 minutes so he can finish, be admired for being a empathetic and forward thinking child and then be let out to play.

Well they went against my advice and then at school pick up said, how marvelous and mature his answers were and he was back outside playing withing 5 minutes....

They did it again on the second one, and it was like the penny dropped. He was lying to them and charming them, they rang me to say they didn't thing "restorative practice was right for him" ....I did try and warm them 🤦🏻‍♀️

He's a swine...he will go far in business though I imagine as a salesman or I'll be stood in the dock in crown court one day saying "yeah he did have that Ted Bundy grace about him growing up your honour" 😳

I think this too. Knowing your child best doesn't necessarily mean that you are always the best at parenting/caring for them.

For example, I can usually tell why DC is acting in the way that they are acting when misbehaving and generally do believe in behaviour as communication. But my DM has a point that sometimes, no matter how you are feeling, you just have to do as you're told. So it doesn't matter if DC is out-of-sorts, anxious or finding something boring, sometimes they just have to do things anyway. Whereas I probably verge on being too soft sometimes because I understand and like to validate DC's feelings if I can. It's a question of balance, and DC's perfect behaviour at nursery (where the staff are lovely but firm and there are always clear expectations) versus that at home definitely shows that I as DC's mother don't always get it right.

I think instinctively we know when our children aren't quite right. But we don't know how to make them better either.

Nope.

My mother was one of these toxic people who should never have been let anywhere near a child, including her own daughter.

Except for those who don't.

YABU and massively oversimplifying.

It depends, I think, very much on the age of the child.

I think something would be wring in the family dynamic if the mother and the father (in two parent families) were not the 'experts'

But as they grow, then other influences and confidantes appear, especially during the teenage years.

And I agree with PPs that when issues do arise, the view of the well-acquainted outsider can be more perspicacious than a parent who's in the thick of it

No of course not! There are some people who are not cut out to be mothers. There are terrible mothers out there right now and there have been throughout history. It's a complete nonsense to say mothers always know best. How can you even think this?

Compared to who and what exactly?

Well balanced parents know and understand their children. How many parents project their own issues on to their kids though? I think it might be quite a big number.

See this is the kind of thing that made me feel like a useless mother when DC were younger. I couldn't understand their cries. Another asd mum says only she can get her DC to do certain things because she's their mum. Ds' 1-1 is far better than me at getting him to do stuff.

I definitely know my kids better than anyone else because I am heavily involved with them and rarely away from them. Not all mothers are able to be so present though so I wouldn’t say it’s a given.

Nope. My dad is the best father anyone could ever wish for and A LOT more sensitive and attuned to things than my mum who is a very black/white person. I have a great relationship with both my parents but if I needed to confide in someone or needed help I would always call my dad over my mum. Always

Nope. For as far back as I can remember (so maybe about 3 or 4 years old?) my mum hasn't known or understood me. I sometimes think she barely knows me at all. And I can very clearly remember thinking that when I heard her talking to other people about me as a child. We see what we want to see, often.

And yep, sometimes my late husband was absolutely on the ball about my DC s when I wasn't.

My DH is just as capable a parent as I am.

This is why DP and I were buggered from the get-go. Two mums both believing we're right.

To be serious, I think mums are socialised to feel far more guilt about getting things wrong than dads are. And, like it or not, typically, in a heterosexual couple, the mum will be doing more of the care for a small child than the dad, so the mum will inevitably know some things better.

I think it really is just socialisation, though. I don't think being a mum gives you magic knowledge. Equally, though, I dislike the fashion for pretending that caring for a small child is totally trivial and doesn't involve acquiring detailed knowledge about that small child. Of course, someone who has spent hours and hours with a baby will be better able to tell why it's crying than someone who hasn't; someone who has done the morning routine with an eight-year-old every day will be better placed to spot when the child is ill than someone who's only seen them getting ready for the day once in a blue moon.

I think it depends what it is about.
And very much depends on the mother.
My mother cared very little or knew very little about me.

I know my son incredibly well. Better than I know any other person.
However when it comes to his education, his teacher knows world's more than me. When it comes to serious health issues, a paediatric doctor knows more than me.

Definitely not. I'm a big believer in toddler DC having as many stable loving people around him. DC is extremely close to his aunt who has taken care of him for us on a childcare basis and sometimes she can know his needs better than me. Also, looking at my mother, as perfectly pleasant our relationship is, I don't believe she ever really understood me. So I disagree.