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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cancelled playdate

119 replies

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:34

This is really trivial...my apologies. But it's bothered and bamboozled me. I won't mind being told I'm wrong, as it would be a relief.

I arranged with an old friend two weeks ago, who I haven't seen for about a year, to meet up today, with the children. We were going to make the arrangements on the day, according to the weather. I'd told my daughter about it and it was an 'event' in our calendar.

I got up at 6am, as usual, doing bits and stuff around the house. Hadn't heard from my friend to consolidate plans, so I thought, 'it's the summer holidays, maybe she's having a lie in'. It gets to 9am and I decide to message her - and when I open WhatsApp I realised I hadn't automatically received her message at 7.30am, suggesting where and when we meet. I didn't get the notification.

I message her, and say 'gosh I'm so sorry, WhatsApp doesn't always alert me automatically.' Anyway, turns out she had made alternative plans with another mum and kids, in that time. Because I hand't messaged her by 9am she thought 'maybe I'd changed my mind'. I've never not let someone know if I can't make something, and she knows that! I'm never rude.

Now that I'm a bit bitter, my feelings are that she wasn't wanting to genuinely catch up with a friend, but to create an event in her diary...to give her children a 'wholesome' day, etc. This is something I'm always trying to do, admittedly. But I don't think I would act in this way.

This is so daft, I know. But it really messed up our day. My daughter had been looking forward to it. We did had nice day anyway.

I'd like to be told I'm in the wrong, because then I'd be less cross.

I'm aware this post is way too long. But Summer holidays send you a bit insane, I think.

OP posts:
butterflied · 26/08/2022 18:37

I would have made other plans too if I hadn't heard back from a friend in this situation tbh.

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:40

Ok, thanks.

OP posts:
Itsnotthesameasitwas · 26/08/2022 18:40

I don’t know anyone with young DC who wouldn’t be awake & confirming plans by 8am so I think it’s understandable she thought you were no longer interested tbh.
We would have probably have messaged the night before too saying ‘looking forward to seeing you, hope the rain stays away’ or something.

Mamamia7962 · 26/08/2022 18:40

If you arranged the date 2 weeks ago and hadn't communicated at all during that time, then I think she genuinely did think you'd changed your mind.

milesmachine · 26/08/2022 18:42

I think it depends. If it was a firm plan that had been referenced within the week before of meeting up, and someone you haven't seen for a while so a date fixed in the calendar, then I would expect her to not make other plans. 9 am is still early in my book to write of the day and make alternative plans

However if it was a loose plan of, let's try and meet on X date, and no real reference had been made to it in the lead up, then I would say she is entirely reasonable.

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:42

When we were friends in the past, when our kids were babies, we made loose arrangements but confirmed on the day. But thanks. I'm thinking I'm in the wrong, which is what I needed to know.

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MaggieFS · 26/08/2022 18:44

Clearly it works both ways, but to make plans on the day, I'd expect to reconfirm a few days before plus whittle it down to a couple of options.

And if all the things to think why you'd think that nonsense about 'wholesome' anyway, which I confess I don't fully get nor can fathom why you've arrived at, seems a bit bonkers.

Move on, rebook and this time don't leave it so flaky.

HenBob · 26/08/2022 18:47

My friend did this to me over a similar thing. Some people are a bit different when they have kids, the priorities change, and so does the friendship dynamic. I don't think YABU but equally I have fallen out with people over similar situations. Try to agree time and place the night before latest, rather than the day. That's all you can do going forward xx

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 18:48

If I'm making plans to go out with young children I want to be on the road by 9 to burn them out a bit by lunchtime. I wouldn't wait around all morning either.

Sort your WhatsApp out.

Dutch1e · 26/08/2022 18:49

I don't think you're in the wrong at all. The arrangement was made, it was only the details to be tweaked on the day. An unread message by 9am somehow cancels all of that? Bollocks. If it was really so time-sensitive she would phone.

GiselleRose · 26/08/2022 18:50

She made the other plans fast! Personally, I would have phoned you before making other arrangements. Also, why couldn’t everyone meet up? I would have felt mortified (although, as stated, I wouldn’t, because I would’ve called you) and invited you along too.

Cavvies · 26/08/2022 18:50

I think your overreacting- I doubt she gave a huge amount of thought to it - she needed to do something- you hadn’t responded so she organised something else

total non event

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:50

I guess that's personal, nuanced stuff that's not suitable or understandable on Mumsnet! My mistake

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2022 18:50

No that's ridiculous.

If I didn't hear from someone, I'd call them, or check in again.

She presumably could see you hadn't seen your what's app messages.

I wouldn't expect to have the plans all sorted by 9! That said, I wouldn't make the plans on the day, I'd have been in touch at the latest the evening before.

I'd be quite annoyed in your position.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2022 18:51

Ha, I basically cross-posted with the 2 posters before me!

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:52

Thanks x

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 26/08/2022 18:53

Had you got actual plans, or just let’s meet on 24th, I’ll text you in the morning to decide what to do”

If I was meeting somebody and they didn’t reply to my WhatsApp I would just call them. I also never surface before 9am on a non-work day. So I think you were perfectly reasonable.

I’m surprised she found somebody else to go out with between 8am-9am, it sounds to me more like she double booked herself and then tried to hide it by blaming you.

Probably best to just move on though, and make definite plans in future.

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:53

Yup, I'm pretty pissed off with WhatsApp, having been up since six and expecting to receive messages.

But this is my fault. I get that.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 18:53

To be fair the others are right - she could have called

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:54

Yes, I just found it odd.

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therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:55

She's not one of my friend who 'calls'. I have friends who do, but others who seem to find it uncomfortable and prefer to communicate by text.

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DougalsBlueJumper · 26/08/2022 18:56

I must inhabit a different universe to a lot of posters on here. If I sent someone a WhatsApp about plans and didn't receive a reply, I'd just phone them. I wouldn't make other arrangements until I was reasonably sure that the other person wasn't available anymore.

Dutch1e · 26/08/2022 18:56

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 18:53

Yup, I'm pretty pissed off with WhatsApp, having been up since six and expecting to receive messages.

But this is my fault. I get that.

It's really not your fault. I would never ditch a friend like that.... if I genuinely believed they were functional before 9am (pffff) I'd call them!

This isn't something I would rant and rave to her about but I'd definitely bring it up

IglesiasPiggl · 26/08/2022 18:58

It sounds more like a mis-communication to me. I always re-confirm the day before, regardless of who is "organising" etc. Things are probably different from when they were babies, in that it's more important to get them out and burning energy as toddlers. I would get into that habit from now on.

therestissilence · 26/08/2022 19:01

Thanks. Haven't seen her for over a year (we were close when our children were babies) so we aren't at a 'rant and rave' stage, anymore, anyway, or at a stage when I could even bring it up. It will just go unsaid, and I'll be ever so nice!

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