Cancelled playdate

[therestissilence]

This is really trivial...my apologies. But it's bothered and bamboozled me. I won't mind being told I'm wrong, as it would be a relief.

I arranged with an old friend two weeks ago, who I haven't seen for about a year, to meet up today, with the children. We were going to make the arrangements on the day, according to the weather. I'd told my daughter about it and it was an 'event' in our calendar.

I got up at 6am, as usual, doing bits and stuff around the house. Hadn't heard from my friend to consolidate plans, so I thought, 'it's the summer holidays, maybe she's having a lie in'. It gets to 9am and I decide to message her - and when I open WhatsApp I realised I hadn't automatically received her message at 7.30am, suggesting where and when we meet. I didn't get the notification.

I message her, and say 'gosh I'm so sorry, WhatsApp doesn't always alert me automatically.' Anyway, turns out she had made alternative plans with another mum and kids, in that time. Because I hand't messaged her by 9am she thought 'maybe I'd changed my mind'. I've never not let someone know if I can't make something, and she knows that! I'm never rude.

Now that I'm a bit bitter, my feelings are that she wasn't wanting to genuinely catch up with a friend, but to create an event in her diary...to give her children a 'wholesome' day, etc. This is something I'm always trying to do, admittedly. But I don't think I would act in this way.

This is so daft, I know. But it really messed up our day. My daughter had been looking forward to it. We did had nice day anyway.

I'd like to be told I'm in the wrong, because then I'd be less cross.

I'm aware this post is way too long. But Summer holidays send you a bit insane, I think.

What is wrong with someone that they can't just make a call around the time they need to know one way or the other, leave a VM, give it half an hour... Everyone knows that messages don't arrive, arrive late, or don't get seen because the recipient is busy (in this case getting a child up and breakfasted). This wasn't just a casual meet-up with someone you see weekly, this was properly planned.

I suspect she had a 'better offer' and gave it the minimum before she moved on from you. Or didn't really fancy it, lied and stayed at home (which is sometimes justified if exhuasted or overwhelmed but mostly not).

This just doesn't happen now with my friends (with or without their kids) in either direction, and I would never cancel the plan without trying harder first. You have a 'friend' problem.

I think you are both unreasonable for not having arranged plans the previous day. But yeh, I can understand if she sent a message that morning and waited for an hour and a half for a reply, that she made other plans. I just think you could both have been more organised in general.

Blimey! I wouldn’t necessarily be up at that time. If I’d planned to meet a friend later in the day and they’d made other plans because I hadn’t replied “by 9” (I mean wtf?) I’d have been mighty pissed off.

Pre-school age my daughter was never up before 9am! 🤣

This and @Bollindger previous comment is it in a nutshell.
I've been where you have been and wondered, and taken steps back, but I can tell you with experience and hindsight that the only sensible thing to do is put it down to a mixup/misunderstanding and stop hurting yourself.
None of us are perfect. And its a shame to lose a friend over something like this.
Or talk to her about it and you might find out why.
Laugh it off and give her another chance, both of you organise it better next time and see how it works out.
The best thing is you and your DD had a nice day anyway. That's the memory to build on. It actually shows that you are resilient, resourceful and independent, so carry that forward and stop letting this incident make you unhappy.

They both have small children. Parents of small children are always up early. I've been up since 5 am, and I'm not the exception! No way that I would wait around till 9 to start making a plan.

I don't see how you can be so confident about that
I have a toddler and we got up about 9.30am this morning.
Big piece of cardboard over the window does wonders in summer if you like a lie in!

@johnd2
It was still dark at 5 where I am. Don't think the cardboard will help.

But you're right, all my friends with small kids are up early but that's purely anecdotal evidence. Lucky you for having a lie in!

She certainly didn't hang around to make new plans! A whole day arranged by 9am?!
It reads like neither of your kids are toddlers any more, so there's less of that "lets get the day cracking early" that you have with Tinies.

I think the fault lands a bit on both sides. You're being a bit oversensitive, and probably should have made more of an effort to move forward with the plans in a firmer way in the days leading up to the "date".
But she shouldn't have been so quick to dump you. 9am is silly-early.

Also, perhaps the fact that you haven't seen this friend for a year... Maybe she doesn't consider the friendship as high-profile as you do?
I have a similar friend, but I haven't seen her since pre-covid, whereas prior to that we used to meet up maybe twice a year. I keep thinking I should reach out to arrange something, but then I think there's nothing to stop her reaching out either. Then I realise I'm not that fussed. If she reaches out - cool! If she doesn't... whatever.

I don’t understand why everyone is saying the friend is unreasonable because she didn’t phone or didn’t contact Op the day before. OP did neither of those things either and the friend is the one who made some effort to sort plans out and OP states that they are not phoning people. I would have made alternative plans too if I had not heard anything by 9am, I wouldn’t want to waste the morning sitting around waiting for a reply that might never come.

OP did neither of those things either

^ that's irrelevant. OP didn't cancel their plans for a better offer.

They both have small children. Parents of small children are always up early. I've been up since 5 am, and I'm not the exception! No way that I would wait around till 9 to start making a plan.

No they aren't.
When mine were that age, if they woke at 5am, it was treated the same as if they woke at 1am or 3am. The middle of the night.
You are projecting.

I wouldn't wait until 9am to start making a plan either. I would have made it by - at the latest - the night before, but most like a few days before. that's on both the parents though, OP and her friend.

I think texting people at 7.30am is weird tbh. I would miss plans if someone needed me to reply then!

I think 7.30 is very early to be texting to make plans and rearranging a whole day because you didn't get a reply before 9am is crazy. Surely she could see you hadn't read her message? Unless you had agreed to meet at 9 or shortly after, I think your friend was unreasonable.

I have a small child. I have literally never been up at 5am (except when breastfeeding, and we both went back to bed afterwards until morning).

There is nothing inherent in small children that makes you get up at 5am. You are choosing to get up (which is obviously fine if you want to get up that early). We get up at 8am in this house, later at weekends, and DS fits in with this (he’s 5 now so unlikely he is going to suddenly start waking up early).

Obviously there is a range of normal, but it is ridiculous to say that everyone with a child under 3 is awake at 5am - nobody I know gets up that early.

In her position I would have ctried to call by phone at least once before abandoning plans especially if I was a friend who usually sticks to plans.messages can so easily be missed

I think next time just confirm the night before. Dont worry op these things happen. I had 1 awkward friend always had plan round his naps but she didnt worry about my routine!!

Good luck seeing us before 9.but we are sleep inners and I no that’s not the norm.
id also have had to no one dactyl what we were doing before the day! I wouldn’t perhaps even need to be in touch on the day as it would’ve been tied down and we’d be on our way.
bot of a mix up.if she’s a good friend this isn’t something to be angry over don’t think.

You've left it 2 weeks before contacting her again? I would have done this the day before, so I definitely know what I'm doing the next day...