Cancelled playdate

[therestissilence]

This is really trivial...my apologies. But it's bothered and bamboozled me. I won't mind being told I'm wrong, as it would be a relief.

I arranged with an old friend two weeks ago, who I haven't seen for about a year, to meet up today, with the children. We were going to make the arrangements on the day, according to the weather. I'd told my daughter about it and it was an 'event' in our calendar.

I got up at 6am, as usual, doing bits and stuff around the house. Hadn't heard from my friend to consolidate plans, so I thought, 'it's the summer holidays, maybe she's having a lie in'. It gets to 9am and I decide to message her - and when I open WhatsApp I realised I hadn't automatically received her message at 7.30am, suggesting where and when we meet. I didn't get the notification.

I message her, and say 'gosh I'm so sorry, WhatsApp doesn't always alert me automatically.' Anyway, turns out she had made alternative plans with another mum and kids, in that time. Because I hand't messaged her by 9am she thought 'maybe I'd changed my mind'. I've never not let someone know if I can't make something, and she knows that! I'm never rude.

Now that I'm a bit bitter, my feelings are that she wasn't wanting to genuinely catch up with a friend, but to create an event in her diary...to give her children a 'wholesome' day, etc. This is something I'm always trying to do, admittedly. But I don't think I would act in this way.

This is so daft, I know. But it really messed up our day. My daughter had been looking forward to it. We did had nice day anyway.

I'd like to be told I'm in the wrong, because then I'd be less cross.

I'm aware this post is way too long. But Summer holidays send you a bit insane, I think.

This! At the very least I would have sent a second message and if no response I would have rung at a socially acceptable time (prob 9am onwards). I certainly wouldn't have leapt to making other plans!

Honestly, I do think people tend to be very rude about arrangements these days, it's all too easy to cancel/postpone at the last minute so it's somehow thought acceptable.

^ This.

It's absolutely not your fault. Anything could have stopped you getting the message. For example, I have black spots in my house where my mobile signal sometimes gets lost. If I happen to put my phone down in the wrong spot my messages don't come through. Literally an inch or two in the wrong direction and that's it.

Technology is so unreliable and she could see you hadn't read it. Plus I've never been able to get out and about by 9am, even when my DC were tiny.

Writing you off by 9am seems extremely premature. It does sound like an excuse to me. It's extremely rude of her to not even double check. Please don't blame yourself.

This.

She could see you hadn't read the message as opposed to not responding.

If she wanted form plans by an absolute timescale on the day then she shouldn't wait until the day to confirm.

You went into it think she would confirm on the day like you would.

She set boundaries that she didn't communicate to you - she basically set you up to fail.

I would text her something to say that in future if she expects a response by X time of day then she needs to give you the courtesy of explaining that in advance rather than letting down small children.
I even think I'd ask her if her call function is broken!

People don't phone anymore, sadly. It's all a bit too real and intimate...

Thank you.

All this talk of calendar events and wholesome days is making little sense to me?

It's not nuaunced things that MN doesn't understand, how can you make a "calendar event" (IE playdate) without confirmation?

How old are the kids?

Your friend should have invited you along to the playdate she replaced yours with.

Well if you leave it unsaid and are overly nice that's why people treat you like this (I know because I was once that person!).

Now I make plans, I will quite happily put myself out there and suggest places or confirm and even push a little for solid plans.

But if people don't meet me halfway then it's goodbye

So what did she suggest? What time? If it was meet you at 9 at the park for example, yes, I would understand that she would write that plan off at 9.

Was your response that you couldn't get there in time or just that you hadn't seen it. I am wondering if she thought you might be reluctant and gave you an out?

YANBU, if she was that pressed for time she should have messaged the night before she was very rude.

It's the summer holidays my children would rarely be up before nine and neither would I.

She's ridiculous.

No way would I expect my day sorted by 9am in school holidays.

A bit of both, but tbh I don't get why you were waiting for her to message to arrange, if you had picked up your phone to message her earlier when you were wondering about it yourself you would have seen the message. I think 9am is a bit quick to rearrange but maybe her other friend has suggested a meeting already so when you didn't reply she could quickly move on. I'm surprised that neither of you messaged a day or so ago to confirm plans, you can clearly see the weather forecast, and I personally like to know what I'm doing. It does sound like you were not proactive yourself and just left it to your friend.

I would never do what she did. Definitely not your fault. Next time, I’d confirm the day before.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would never act like that.
If I hadn't heard from you I would presume you hadn't gotten message and would either ring or send a 'normal' message in case your Internet was down.
Maybe next time finalise the day before so there's no chance of this happening again..

I get your friend's point in that I like my day's plans set in stone by 9am with young children involved, because they like to know what's happening when and so do I.

... but for that reason, I do my double checking the night before!

If I'd done exactly as she had (messaged in the morning), yes I'd have called you before making alternative plans. But weirdly I also feel that if I'd messaged you the previous afternoon and heard nothing by 9am the next day I'd make alternative plans without phoning!

I wonder if she'd received an invite from someone else overnight/early, and gave you quite a small window to confirm your plans before accepting that instead?

I can't quite work out whether this was going to be a really nice catch-up vs "a pleasant enough chance for some children to run around playing together and give us all a break", and I think that makes a difference too. I'd be much more hacked off at a friend flaking out vs a convenient playdate falling through, the latter is much more easily substituted for.

How frustrating for you. It seems like no one is at fault though. Just a miscommunication due to WhatsApp.

Could you maybe suggest another day?

yeah that’s disappointing. so -

• Either of you could have confirmed….

• She should have rang ideally…

mabe not so such a reliable friend anymore?

hard to realise this when you have a history with someone.. .

glass of wine tonight and move on…

Gosh stop thinking this way it's only going to tie you up in knots. Don't think about your friends at all, you can't control what they do or don't do, or what their motivation may or may not be.
Think about what YOU could do differently in future to avoid such a stress full experience.
There are so many ideas Eg confirm by text the day before, text first in the morning, don't arrange things with people so far in advance, don't meet up with people you haven't seen in a while, just let things go and do your own thing if plans fall through at the last minute.

It could even be worth going deeper and thinking about how you would be made to feel as a child if you were on the other side of the equation.

Good luck and take care.

I think you are unreasonable since you didn't message her and just hung around / made assumptions until it was too late.

I made a similar play date arrangement with a friend and she ended up only being able to meet up after 1030am. That's useless to me as dc is napping by 11am. So I wasted the whole morning and dc was needlessly frustrated indoors. So I understand your friend. Sorry.

I think it's weird she didn't phone too...

Tell her she should have phoned you. All this messaging is crazy.

I think that’s really weird.

You’d already agreed to see each other today so just because you don’t text her back before 8am?, she decides you’ve cancelled and instantly texts another friend to make new arrangements and confirms by 9am?

N’ah. Not buying it. I think she decided to ditch you for other friend and hoped you wouldn’t reply within her batshit short time frame.

However, in the real world, I usually ring them to check if I’m still waiting for a reply to a message. I did that yesterday morning and we made lovely plans to meet at hers for coffee and cakes at tea time.

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt this time.

Next time be more firm. It’s ok to be flakey with another adult IF your company is amazing enough to make it worthwhile. Not ok to let down someone’s excited child like that. Maybe she thought you were the flakey one….?

Don’t be afraid to get angry though if she does it to your child again. You’ll meet lots of other mums going forward so don’t be afraid to speak up if she’s messing you around!

If I sent someone a WhatsApp about plans and didn't receive a reply, I'd just phone them. I wouldn't make other arrangements until I was reasonably sure that the other person wasn't available anymore.

I agree with this - she should have made more effort to reach you.

I would personally have called or messaged again and said 'Hey just going out to X, let me know about today'

Maybe she just didn't think of it/it came across to her as if you were avoiding her message. But it is weird to write off the plan by 9am, that's very early and she could see you hadn't read the message.

Personally I would just let it go but in terms of who is 'right' I would say you are.

You both sound a bit daft to me.
Her: if she could see you hadn't read the message, then I can't understand why she didn't phone
You: If you knew there was a plan to go out and though it was going to be arranged early on that day, then why on earth were you sat there waiting for her to message you, when you could so easily have contacted her?
Her: Bit bonkers to have to have it all rearranged so early, that she couldn't have squeezed in time to check if you were still up for it.

Both of you for not making a plan before the morning. I mean, I like to know if we will need a picnic for example, so I can make sure I have food in; or somewhere that is a longer drive so I can make sure I have petrol in the car (or even have the car if I am sharing with dh); or I like to pack the bags the night before - maybe if you are going somewhere they are going to get wet and need towels or find their wellies or pump up the tyres on their bikes or whatever.

It just sounds like an odd way to plan or not plan a meet up with someone