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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Mum keeps staying overnight for consecutive days without asking permission and I have started a new relationship!

81 replies

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 19:01

Me and my mum have always had a close relationship (in my adulthood), she lives in London and I relocated 7 years ago to the North of England.

I am almost 6 months into a new relationship and it’s going really well. We spend a lot of time together and he tends to stay at mine in the week and sometimes weekends dependent on our plans.

My mum however keeps planning things in North and assumes to can stay (which isn’t a problem) BUT without notice or asking!! For example me and my boyfriend will have plans on the weekend and she will just say with a days notice - “I am up tomorrow at yours and I will be staying for X amount of days” - therefore it throws me and boyfriend’s plans out of the window…
She also says she plans to leave on X day and then decides against staying longer than she originally said - so it seems like we are working on her time as opposed to our own!

When she comes, he can no longer stay as he hasn’t met my mum yet and doesn’t feel comfortable at this stage to meet my mum which is fair enough for the time being - it’s so hard trying to juggle the two but I do believe my mum should be treating me as an adult and being respectful asking permission as to whether I am free for her to stay??

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 25/08/2022 19:02

Say no. You're an adult. Have the chat.

I remember when my daughter started to say 'No' to me. Ouch! But, it has to be done.

Hbh17 · 25/08/2022 19:03

Just say it isn't convenient.
Don't give her a key - or, if she already has one, change the locks.
She has no right to treat your house as a free hotel.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 19:05

My mum however keeps planning things in North and assumes to can stay (which isn’t a problem) BUT without notice or asking!! For example me and my boyfriend will have plans on the weekend and she will just say with a days notice - “I am up tomorrow at yours and I will be staying for X amount of days” - therefore it throws me and boyfriend’s plans out of the window…

Don't you see how ridiculous this is, op? Your mother isn't treating you like an adult because you are allowing her to treat you like a child.

"I'm sorry, mum, this weekend doesn't work for me as I already have plans. Please talk to me about visiting well in advance from now on."

It's called enforcing boundaries. It's high time you do so.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 19:18

I dont mean to aim this at you OP but Im staggered at some of these sorts of posts

There is another running about staying at some inlaws who 'insisted' that they stay and of course its ended badly.

Just say, oh not at the moment mum Im busy, let me know with more time next time, its not always convenient

Are you worried about her pestering you and being seen to need to have a good enough reason or something?

She might pester and she might have her view about whether its 'justified' that you say no, but thats nothing to do with you, you cant control what someone else thinks or does. Only that you can say 'that doesnt work for me, the week after is better'

Unorthofox · 25/08/2022 19:34

Surely you say to your mum "Mum, you need to give me advance warning of when you intend to visit and actually ASK me if it's ok. I have my own life and plans and it's not always convenient to have you invite yourself with no notice".

Bloody English politeness.

Unorthofox · 25/08/2022 19:35

Or "No mum, my new boyfriend is visiting and we'll be shagging on the floor, sofa and kitchen worktop".

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 25/08/2022 19:36

Crikey, she either has a key or you're letting her in. Tell her no and change the locks

GinIronic · 25/08/2022 19:37

Are you a grown up? Act like one and say no to your Mother.

Tiani4 · 25/08/2022 19:43

Unorthofox · 25/08/2022 19:34

Surely you say to your mum "Mum, you need to give me advance warning of when you intend to visit and actually ASK me if it's ok. I have my own life and plans and it's not always convenient to have you invite yourself with no notice".

Bloody English politeness.

This ^

You didn't mind or you let her do this before, but you're now in a different situation.

Your mum needs to be reminded you are an adult with your own life and your own home.

I have a key to my parents house, my family home. I would never invite myself without asking and checking nor do I let myself in unless they say to. I still ring the doorbell though even if they are expecting me !

Tiani4 · 25/08/2022 19:44

My parents do this too and they have a key. They never turn up without having asked me well in advance if I don't mind if they could stay. It's all on my calendar several months to a year ahead!

Tiani4 · 25/08/2022 19:45

I meant my parents ASK me too, same way I ask them. They definitely don't do what OPs mum does!

Meraas · 25/08/2022 19:47

Urgh that’s annoying. Put a stop to it.

Crunchymum · 25/08/2022 19:48

Did these visits bother you before your BF was on the scene?

How often is she coming up?

Does she know about your BF? If she is using your place to stay for an event then can't you stay at his?

MillyWithaY · 25/08/2022 19:50

Well YANBU about your mum, but off topic, why don't you ever stay at your boyfriends and is he contributing to your additional costs as he's practically living with you? If not it sounds like you've got yourself a cocklodger.

HaveYouAnyDreamYoudLikeToSell · 25/08/2022 19:51

"Actually Mum, I've just started a new relationship and it's going well and we are enjoying getting to know each other so if you don't mind, we'd like some privacy that weekend"

Should get the message across !

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/08/2022 19:52

You need to be firm and clear with your mum -

“Mum, this isn’t working for me. When you simply announce you are coming to stay, you take no account of any plans I might have - maybe I might want to have my boyfriend come to stay! You need to start asking if it is convenient for you to come, and I need to say No, if it isn’t convenient - and I need to know you will accept that. I’m a grown up now, with my own life - I love seeing you, but we can’t go on like this any more.”

hewouldwouldnthe · 25/08/2022 19:52

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 25/08/2022 19:36

Crikey, she either has a key or you're letting her in. Tell her no and change the locks

So she arrives tired from her trip north and she's locked out as the locks have been changed. And that helps how? Not to mention unecessary expense.
Ask her to hand the key over if she has one, or tell her you have a new bf and would like some notice. If its not convenient then tell her so.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 19:52

You're an adult. Just tell her you have plans and it's not convenient or that you'll be away.

Does she just expect you to be at her back and call? Does she have a social life of her own?

Thatswhyimacat · 25/08/2022 19:54

You say she assumes she can stay, but is that because you've never told her she can't? She's not a mind reader and probably thinks you're fine with the arrangement as you've never objected.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 19:59

Or get your boyfriend to answer the door wearing just a towel? Grin

Georgyporky · 25/08/2022 20:04

YABU for not telling her NO.

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2022 20:04

Yabu to not say sorry mum, can’t make it this time- say no- you’re an adult

Georgyporky · 25/08/2022 20:05

" Bloody English politeness. "

Hmmm

IncompleteSenten · 25/08/2022 20:05

I agree with pp.

I have a new boyfriend and we are enjoying lots of sex. Can you check if I'm free before you come over please. 😁

mountainsunsets · 25/08/2022 20:07

I really don't understand why you haven't just told her she can't stay.

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