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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Mum keeps staying overnight for consecutive days without asking permission and I have started a new relationship!

81 replies

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 19:01

Me and my mum have always had a close relationship (in my adulthood), she lives in London and I relocated 7 years ago to the North of England.

I am almost 6 months into a new relationship and it’s going really well. We spend a lot of time together and he tends to stay at mine in the week and sometimes weekends dependent on our plans.

My mum however keeps planning things in North and assumes to can stay (which isn’t a problem) BUT without notice or asking!! For example me and my boyfriend will have plans on the weekend and she will just say with a days notice - “I am up tomorrow at yours and I will be staying for X amount of days” - therefore it throws me and boyfriend’s plans out of the window…
She also says she plans to leave on X day and then decides against staying longer than she originally said - so it seems like we are working on her time as opposed to our own!

When she comes, he can no longer stay as he hasn’t met my mum yet and doesn’t feel comfortable at this stage to meet my mum which is fair enough for the time being - it’s so hard trying to juggle the two but I do believe my mum should be treating me as an adult and being respectful asking permission as to whether I am free for her to stay??

OP posts:
RockItLikeRocketFuel · 25/08/2022 22:16

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 21:59

He is not ready to meet my mum yet which I think is fine for the time being. But my mum thinks it’s a red flag that he does not want to meet her!?

I bet your boyfriend has already figured out that your mum is a huge pain the arse. You're going to lose this relationship if you don't start standing up for yourself.

This, with ribbons on.

You keep cancelling him at short notice in favour of your mum, he'll very quickly start resenting it.

LovePoppy · 25/08/2022 23:36

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:16

She is doing some contract work in a town 20 mins away from me - so she is up weekly and staying in a hotel but just makes these arrangements and just “tells” me.

I hear that your all saying put a stop to it - but she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

Show quote history

Yes, and?

let her throw her tantrum. You don’t need to pick up the phone and listen to it?

milkyaqua · 26/08/2022 00:11

it’s so hard trying to juggle the two but I do believe my mum should be treating me as an adult and being respectful asking permission as to whether I am free for her to stay??

You say this with one breath and the next give all the reasons why you can't possibly act like the adult you are and tell her the new rules of your life and home.

Yes, she should be treating you as an adult, and yes, she should be respectful and asking permission about staying, but she isn't and she won't magically start doing so, so you will have to have several uncomfortable conversations to establish some basic boundaries with her.

Scampski1220 · 26/08/2022 00:15

This one. I agree 100%!!!

Need2P · 26/08/2022 00:19

If you don't want to say no to your mother when you already has plans with your bff, why don't you let her stay in your house and you spend the night in your bf's place instead?

Need2P · 26/08/2022 00:23

Sorry the typos. *had plans...
*bf not bff

MarthaChuzzlewhit · 26/08/2022 00:26

I can't believe people are saying you shoud tell your Mum to go away or lock her out. Just go to the boyfriend's house for your shags!

Fruitbatdancer · 26/08/2022 00:26

Yanbu to ask her to give notice.
but what’s with the ‘not ready to meet your mum??’ Are you 18/19? Any older I’d be seriously questioning this, she’s a big part of your life, why doesn’t he want to meet her? Seem very strange to me!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2022 00:38

MarthaChuzzlewhit · 26/08/2022 00:26

I can't believe people are saying you shoud tell your Mum to go away or lock her out. Just go to the boyfriend's house for your shags!

I can't believe you are saying the op should leave her own home to pander to her rude mother. Is this a joke?

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/08/2022 00:42

As the parent of an adult child who no longer lives at home, I can't imagine for one second presuming I could just rock up and stay. Indeed I wouldn't even ask to do that. Not ever. Why do people behave like this? You need to set some boundaries OP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/08/2022 00:43

MarthaChuzzlewhit · 26/08/2022 00:26

I can't believe people are saying you shoud tell your Mum to go away or lock her out. Just go to the boyfriend's house for your shags!

Are you fucking joking? I hope so.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/08/2022 00:58

Hmm .. has she always done this and now it’s an issue as you have a new boyfriend?

Meraas · 26/08/2022 01:06

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/08/2022 00:58

Hmm .. has she always done this and now it’s an issue as you have a new boyfriend?

So what if it is? You can’t expect to have unfettered access to someone’s house for life!

toomuchlaundry · 26/08/2022 01:06

I wouldn’t want to meet your mum, don’t blame your BF not wanting to meet her.

How old is your DM? She can’t live her life through you. You need to get tough otherwise you won’t have a life

Kitkatcatflap · 26/08/2022 01:09

I see from your update that your mu

DeniseSecunda · 26/08/2022 07:31

OP, your mom is a rude asshole, but this is a You problem. You already know exactly what you need to do -- you didn't need to go on a website to figure it out. You know that you need to grow a spine. Who cares if you mom gets mad at you? Tell her that it's not up for discussion. You're an adult, and you need to live your adult life. I understand that it's difficult to stand up to people, especially to someone we love and whose feelings we don't want to hurt, but your mom is a JERK. She doesn't deserve for you to coddle her and worry about her feelings when she sure as hell isn't worried about yours.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/08/2022 08:33

Does she have a key to your place?

If she does, get it back from her or simply change the locks so her key doesn't work. If she asks why, tell her you lost yours, needed to change the locks and that's the end of it.

You're an adult now and she is still treating you as a child. She hasn't adjusted to an adult-adult relationship with you and if, as you say it's often her way or the highway, maybe, make it the highway (for her). So what if you don't see her as often. Doesn't mean that you can't still keep in touch. By phone.

Perhaps if you say no to her once or twice she will check with you to make sure you're around and that you're available for her to visit you the time after that.

SuperCamp · 26/08/2022 08:43

After 6 months it’s ridiculous that he won’t meet your Mum.

His behaviour is at least part of the problem here.

Livpool · 26/08/2022 09:00

SuperCamp · 26/08/2022 08:43

After 6 months it’s ridiculous that he won’t meet your Mum.

His behaviour is at least part of the problem here.

I wouldn't want to meet OP's mother either - she sounds like a pain

StrawberryPot · 26/08/2022 09:10

Does seem very bit weird that your bf won't meet your mum. Why is it a big deal?

Do you ever go to his place?

As everyone else has said - you need to start laying down some boundaries for your mum. Cancelling your plans to accommodate her is just ridiculous.

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/08/2022 09:15

Have the grown up conversation and keep it kind: mum I love having you to stay but I can't this weekend. I'm seeing a new man and we have plans this weekend.
Can we plan your next visit so I know I'm free?

Then book weekends to see her, and other ones to see him. if you are close, don't fall out ofer it, but you do need boundaries.

If she keeps coming North to do stuff she must have other people in the area that she knows who she could stay with instead.

MatildaTheCat · 26/08/2022 09:23

There are two endings here:

  1. you tell Mum, no and mean it. She will huff, get over it and things will be tricky for a while.
  2. Your new boyfriend will get sick of this and leave.
choose option 1 if you are serious about relationship and getting some boundaries in place for the future ( either way).
billy1966 · 26/08/2022 09:43

I think he may well be deciding there is too much drama attached to you if your mother is this rude and you are unable to assert yourself in your own home.

You sound dominated by her.

I would tell him cut his losses.

Start figuring out your boundaries with her, or pay the consequences.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/08/2022 10:10

Meraas · 26/08/2022 01:06

So what if it is? You can’t expect to have unfettered access to someone’s house for life!

Show quote history

@Meraas

Because maybe this has been a routine they’ve had for many years and the mum doesn’t know about the new relationship & doesn’t realise the dynamics have changed so is doing the usual routine.

10HailMarys · 26/08/2022 12:52

and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

As she was presumably one of the people who brought you up, you might want to point that any upbringing issues are on her.

OP, you mother is needy and ridiculous and it sounds like your relationship is quite suffocating. All this 'She won't take no for an answer' and 'it's her way or the highway' business is ridiculous. If it's her way or the highway, take the highway. Who cares if she thinks saying 'no' makes you a bad person? You know it doesn't and her opinion doesn't matter. You don't need your mother's approval. You're an adult. If she doesn't like the way you do things, that's up to her. It doesn't matter because you're not a child.

I think I would be expecting my boyfriend to be OK with meeting my family at around the six-month stage in a relationship, but on the other hand, from what you've said about your mum, I wouldn't want to meet her either.