AIBU Mum keeps staying overnight for consecutive days without asking permission and I have started a new relationship!

[MNF2021]

Me and my mum have always had a close relationship (in my adulthood), she lives in London and I relocated 7 years ago to the North of England.

I am almost 6 months into a new relationship and it’s going really well. We spend a lot of time together and he tends to stay at mine in the week and sometimes weekends dependent on our plans.

My mum however keeps planning things in North and assumes to can stay (which isn’t a problem) BUT without notice or asking!! For example me and my boyfriend will have plans on the weekend and she will just say with a days notice - “I am up tomorrow at yours and I will be staying for X amount of days” - therefore it throws me and boyfriend’s plans out of the window…
She also says she plans to leave on X day and then decides against staying longer than she originally said - so it seems like we are working on her time as opposed to our own!

When she comes, he can no longer stay as he hasn’t met my mum yet and doesn’t feel comfortable at this stage to meet my mum which is fair enough for the time being - it’s so hard trying to juggle the two but I do believe my mum should be treating me as an adult and being respectful asking permission as to whether I am free for her to stay??

Have you read OP’s posts? She says:

she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

And yes they did bother me prior to my boyfriend being on the scene - now that he is around, my mum often says “you have changed or you no longer have time for me”..

The OP's mum knows about the boyfriend - the OP says her mum has complained about the fact that she hasn't met him yet, and has suggested to the OP that it's a red flag.

Put your foot down, tell her that you need notice that she is coming and that she shouldn't assume you will say yes.

If she ignores you and turns up regardless, turn her away at the door.

And yes they did bother me prior to my boyfriend being on the scene - now that he is around, my mum often says “you have changed or you no longer have time for me”..

”yes mum, Ive got older, I’ve got a boyfriend and I have more of my own life. You know I love seeing you, but you’ve got to work with when it’s convenient”

Whatever push back she comes out with, you push back more.
“Mum stop it, all kids eventually grow up and live their own lives. Doesn’t mean we don’t love or appreciate you any more. We just need more space. It’s natural.”

I think there are two completely separate issues here.

1. mother inviting herself up without any notice
2. New relationship, bf not wanting to meet your mum, etc.

As others have said, it is not unreasonable to want your mother to ask rather than just presuming on your hospitality and throwing a tantrum if you say no to her demands. That would be true even without the new boyfriend. You don't have to be rude or unkind, but really I think you do need to lay out to your mum that she has to ask and give you some warning of when she expects to stay. Some families do have a culture of just inviting themselves round and that's absolutely fine if everybody is happy with it, but if you're not then it's okay to make this clear. She can throw her tantrum, but you're an adult with the right and responsibility for setting the parameters of your own life.

Regarding your bf not wanting to meet your mother after half a year of dating, I do find that a little odd. I would be interested to know why. To me, a bf not wanting to meet their partner's family indicates an unwillingness to commit or a fear that their true character will be found out. On the other hand, if he's just shy or doesn't want to get to know your overbearing mother then fair enough I guess!

@Cashew22 - is there some reason you decided to post on a thread where the last post before yours was in AUGUST 2022???

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