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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Mum keeps staying overnight for consecutive days without asking permission and I have started a new relationship!

81 replies

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 19:01

Me and my mum have always had a close relationship (in my adulthood), she lives in London and I relocated 7 years ago to the North of England.

I am almost 6 months into a new relationship and it’s going really well. We spend a lot of time together and he tends to stay at mine in the week and sometimes weekends dependent on our plans.

My mum however keeps planning things in North and assumes to can stay (which isn’t a problem) BUT without notice or asking!! For example me and my boyfriend will have plans on the weekend and she will just say with a days notice - “I am up tomorrow at yours and I will be staying for X amount of days” - therefore it throws me and boyfriend’s plans out of the window…
She also says she plans to leave on X day and then decides against staying longer than she originally said - so it seems like we are working on her time as opposed to our own!

When she comes, he can no longer stay as he hasn’t met my mum yet and doesn’t feel comfortable at this stage to meet my mum which is fair enough for the time being - it’s so hard trying to juggle the two but I do believe my mum should be treating me as an adult and being respectful asking permission as to whether I am free for her to stay??

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 25/08/2022 20:15

I’m assuming you can speak as well as type so just ring her, and tell her you need her to check with you if dates work before booking anything, and becos if the new bloke sometimes she might have to be flex. If you don’t want to mention your boyfriend just say it’s a mega work project.

Original poster
MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:16

Crunchymum · 25/08/2022 19:48

Did these visits bother you before your BF was on the scene?

How often is she coming up?

Does she know about your BF? If she is using your place to stay for an event then can't you stay at his?

She is doing some contract work in a town 20 mins away from me - so she is up weekly and staying in a hotel but just makes these arrangements and just “tells” me.

I hear that your all saying put a stop to it - but she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

OP posts:
Original poster
MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:17

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:16

She is doing some contract work in a town 20 mins away from me - so she is up weekly and staying in a hotel but just makes these arrangements and just “tells” me.

I hear that your all saying put a stop to it - but she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

Show quote history

And yes they did bother me prior to my boyfriend being on the scene - now that he is around, my mum often says “you have changed or you no longer have time for me”..

OP posts:
maslinpan · 25/08/2022 20:19

Crucial point is: does she know about the new relationship?

IncompleteSenten · 25/08/2022 20:20

Tell her you're sorry she feels she wasn't a good parent. That ought to shut her up a bit.

And really, what if she's cross? What happens that is too hard to deal with?

Learning to be ok with someone being unreasonably angry with you is so important.

Original poster
MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:22

No she doesn’t have her own social life. She has dependent on me for a social output.

And yes it’s often her way or the highway.

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 25/08/2022 20:24

Tell her your boyfriends going to be there but if you don't want to be disturbed you'll hang your crotchless panties off of the bedroom door handle. Might make her think twice.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 20:27

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:16

She is doing some contract work in a town 20 mins away from me - so she is up weekly and staying in a hotel but just makes these arrangements and just “tells” me.

I hear that your all saying put a stop to it - but she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

Show quote history

So this is what I was referring to earlier, you are worried that your reason is going to be seen as not good enough for her, not justified and that you're a bad person because you are saying no

Its hard, but you need to learn that what someone else feels and thinks and experiences is down to them and their interpretation of life and actions of others.

Dont buy into the 'this makes me feel' nonsense - that is what she is doing, she will make out 'you make me feel xxxx' because you have said no

But you also need to move away from that mentality, she isnt 'making you' feel anything, you're choosing to feel that you cant say no and have agency about your own life and your own home! You do have agency and its absolutely none of anyones business when you are free or not free to have visitors

jackstini · 25/08/2022 20:28

It's easier to include a reason - "sorry Mum, someone else is staying then so there is no bed for you"

Namechanger965 · 25/08/2022 20:32

If she doesn’t accept it could you just not be in? Stay at your boyfriends? Just to get the point across that you aren’t available on her whim.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 20:32

jackstini · 25/08/2022 20:28

It's easier to include a reason - "sorry Mum, someone else is staying then so there is no bed for you"

Trouble is, the sort of people who wont take no for an answer start trying to find reasons why that isnt valid, so they'll suggest other things, sofa, camp bed, etc etc

OP needs to be truthful and just say, she is busy, it doesnt work for her and she wants more notice in future because over the years mum I notice you turn up without notice and its not always convenient.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/08/2022 20:33

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 20:22

No she doesn’t have her own social life. She has dependent on me for a social output.

And yes it’s often her way or the highway.

I've got one like this op. Sadly she turns on the waterworks or gets in a sulk if I exert boundaries. It's hard and if people have not experienced it, it's easy to say 'just say no' but it's quite a toxic dynamic. You are allowed boundaries but you're going to have to take a deep breath and say no and accept the fallout. Good luck. Flowers

ihateaparade · 25/08/2022 20:34

I mean this very gently...your mother DOES understand what "No" means. She just doesn't like it when she hears it from you. You are an adult just like she is and you are entitled to your own space, time and plans. You are allowed to say No, that doesn't work for me. You should not be her entertainment committee. She's a grown woman who is used to having (and using) her authority over you in your relationship. She has conditioned you all of your life to please her so nothing is going to change unless you decide that you want that change. You've gotten excellent advice on here - it's up to you whether you take control of your own life (as an independent adult) or continue to allow your Mother to treat you like a child. Good luck, OP, I think you can do it!

gamerchick · 25/08/2022 20:37

I'd bring the relationship out into the open. Tell her cool but your bloke will be staying over and you have plans so she'll have to amuse herself.

Have the row,you need to let her know you're a grown up with a life of your own. Your house isn't an extension of hers

Claim your adulthood OP.

Brigante9 · 25/08/2022 20:38

Woman, you need some boundaries! Tell her no, mean it. Does she have a key?

forrestgreen · 25/08/2022 20:49

Does it matter if she gets the hump?

'Mum I love you and enjoy your visits but I have a boyfriend now. So if you don't give me x notice of a visit, and let me know how long for I won't be able to host anymore.'

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 25/08/2022 21:15

hewouldwouldnthe · 25/08/2022 19:52

So she arrives tired from her trip north and she's locked out as the locks have been changed. And that helps how? Not to mention unecessary expense.
Ask her to hand the key over if she has one, or tell her you have a new bf and would like some notice. If its not convenient then tell her so.

Show quote history

I meant tell her no to her coming in the first place and to change the locks in case she turns up unannounced. If she still comes after being told no then it's her own tough luck if she's locked out

Original poster
MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 21:25

gamerchick · 25/08/2022 20:37

I'd bring the relationship out into the open. Tell her cool but your bloke will be staying over and you have plans so she'll have to amuse herself.

Have the row,you need to let her know you're a grown up with a life of your own. Your house isn't an extension of hers

Claim your adulthood OP.

He is not ready to meet my mum yet which I think is fine for the time being. But my mum thinks it’s a red flag that he does not want to meet her!?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 21:30

*"you have changed or you no longer have time for me”

Fantastic emotional blackmail right there.

You have to put some boundaries in place or this will not end well.

Tell her about your boyfriend. They don't have to meet yet. But she needs to know about him and that you are an adult and you need some space. Tell her you want to see her, but she can't just assume she can turn up unannounced.

Time to put your big girl pants on (as much as I hate that phrase).

StoneofDestiny · 25/08/2022 21:31

Just tell her straight 'mum, it's not convenient for you to drop in without asking or giving decent notice to me. I've had to rearrange too many plans with friends and boyfriends and it cannot continue'. Then tell her the next date is not convenient at all, or the next, or the next.........

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/08/2022 21:33

Sorry, just saw your last update. So she knows you have a boyfriend and she's STILL just turning up all the time and interrupting your plans?

She jealous. This is a power play and you need to stop it NOW.

Or I guarantee your boyfriend will soon get tired of being pushed to the side every time Mummy storms into town and takes over. It also doesn't do much for you - makes you look like a little girl to be honest. Be an adult.

longtompot · 25/08/2022 21:38

I hear that your all saying put a stop to it - but she does not understand “no” and makes it out like I am a bad person and have not been brought up right for saying “no”

How can you be a bad person for saying no? You need to be honest and upfront and say she can't this weekend and she needs to find a hotel or something, that you will not be able to have her at your house. Next time she has work she needs to ask you if she can stay. I take it she isn't paying your rent or mortgage and bills? Though, even if she was, I'd still want space, but would understand why she would feel entitled to stay whenever.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 21:40

And yes it’s often her way or the highway.

You have a massive YOU problem. Sorry to be harsh, op, but you sound like a little kid, not a grown woman. So what if your mother gets upset with you? Do you think she going to ground you? All of this nonsense has gone on forever because you've let it. It's ok to let her have a tantrum. You can put down the phone and refuse to listen to it, and trust me, she knows what NO means, you're just not saying it. It's time to grow up and take charge of your own life.

bellac11 · 25/08/2022 21:44

MNF2021 · 25/08/2022 21:25

He is not ready to meet my mum yet which I think is fine for the time being. But my mum thinks it’s a red flag that he does not want to meet her!?

Show quote history

I bet she's on mumsnet, red flagging all over the place and being FUMIN and LIVID

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 21:59

He is not ready to meet my mum yet which I think is fine for the time being. But my mum thinks it’s a red flag that he does not want to meet her!?

I bet your boyfriend has already figured out that your mum is a huge pain the arse. You're going to lose this relationship if you don't start standing up for yourself.

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