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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Happier when it’s just her and I

90 replies

Rememberwhydontyou · 25/08/2022 11:04

Dh is off work for holidays and I can’t wait for him to go back…
I love my routine with Dd and feel lighter and happier when it’s the two of us.
We’re due to go away for a few days next week and I really just don’t want to.
Just trying to get through until he’s back at work and we’re back to it being just us.
Does anyone else feel like this/is in this situation?

OP posts:
AnnaFri · 25/08/2022 11:08

This isn't normal

Maybe evaluate your relationship as it sure doesn't sound great

Original poster
Rememberwhydontyou · 25/08/2022 11:15

@AnnaFri Thanks

OP posts:
workinmums · 25/08/2022 11:23

I also agree this isn't normal.
Is it probably because you have more responsibilities when he's around for example you need to cook, clean up after him etc?

Original poster
Rememberwhydontyou · 25/08/2022 11:27

@workinmums Not really, I just feel happier, we do our thing etc, it’s nicer

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 25/08/2022 11:29

How old is your dd?

And did you feel this was before the holidays? Wondering if it's about the joy you take in your routine rather than your dh being around.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 11:29

Why are you married? You obviously dislike your dh.

Somethingsnappy · 25/08/2022 11:30

Rememberwhydontyou · 25/08/2022 11:27

@workinmums Not really, I just feel happier, we do our thing etc, it’s nicer

But it's more than that, isn't it? It's one thing saying you prefer it when it's just your dd and you, and another that you feel actively negative when he's around, like you just try to get through it, can't wait for him not to be there etc. What are things like when he's around?

workinmums · 25/08/2022 11:32

Rememberwhydontyou · 25/08/2022 11:27

@workinmums Not really, I just feel happier, we do our thing etc, it’s nicer

Hmmm...Well I don't know what to say about that then. Like pp poster said you probably don't like your partner so what's the point of being together?

brianixon · 25/08/2022 11:35

Something strange here.
Would you feel the same about a boy?
Apart from a day at a motorcycle event or similar, I always want to share things with DW.

neverbeenskiing · 25/08/2022 11:35

Sorry, OP probably not what you want to hear but no, I don't feel like that at all. My DH is currently on a weeks annual leave and it's been really nice having him around. I've really enjoyed us taking the DC out together every day and staying up later chatting over a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings once they're in bed as he doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn. If I felt like you do it would definitely spell trouble for our relationship I think.

grosgirl · 25/08/2022 11:35

I feel like this when my DH is off. In our case, he works incredibly long hours and often works away so we have completely our own routine in his absence and things just rattle along nicely. When he’s home, there is obviously a big change in dynamic and I do find it unsettling. Probably because it’s a complete change in routine.

I don’t hate my husband and I don’t think the way you feel means you hate yours either: ignore previous posters who obviously have no experience of the situation. Totally normal in my opinion.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 11:37

grosgirl · 25/08/2022 11:35

I feel like this when my DH is off. In our case, he works incredibly long hours and often works away so we have completely our own routine in his absence and things just rattle along nicely. When he’s home, there is obviously a big change in dynamic and I do find it unsettling. Probably because it’s a complete change in routine.

I don’t hate my husband and I don’t think the way you feel means you hate yours either: ignore previous posters who obviously have no experience of the situation. Totally normal in my opinion.

I dont think most people have experience of this situation tbh. I actually love it when dp is off work, I enjoy having him around and enjoy his company. If I felt the way you and op do I would seriously be questioning my relationship.

BriocheForBreakfast · 25/08/2022 11:40

I always loved family time when DD was younger and DH was off and we all enjoyed the different pace of life. What are you going to be like when your DD is about to fly the nest (like mine has) and it's just you and your DH?

Seabreezeandsun · 25/08/2022 11:41

I understand where you are coming from. I love my husband deeply but day to day things are easier when it’s just my daughter and myself. Think it’s because we have a working routine and because I look after her most of the time I know how to handle things / meltdowns etc etc… he just gets stressed or bored with “children's” days out etc. I find myself more relaxed when it’s just the 2 of us and things run a lot smoother. Prob does not help the fact I am a bit of a control freak 🤦‍♀️

Sunnyqueen · 25/08/2022 11:43

I used to feel like this with my EX towards the end. My mood would be really good all day just doing my thing with the children then as soon as he was home it would just dip drastically and I'd be really irritated.

WeIoveyouMissHannigan · 25/08/2022 11:43

My husband and I get on great but when he’s away we enjoy the lack of routine and eat stuff like beans on toast for dinner

no harm 💃

workinmums · 25/08/2022 11:43

grosgirl · 25/08/2022 11:35

I feel like this when my DH is off. In our case, he works incredibly long hours and often works away so we have completely our own routine in his absence and things just rattle along nicely. When he’s home, there is obviously a big change in dynamic and I do find it unsettling. Probably because it’s a complete change in routine.

I don’t hate my husband and I don’t think the way you feel means you hate yours either: ignore previous posters who obviously have no experience of the situation. Totally normal in my opinion.

Thank God I'm not experienced in this! Carry on then.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/08/2022 11:46

I did feel like this.

Then I got divorced.

Now I feel lighter and happier all the time. As do our children.

Choopi · 25/08/2022 11:47

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/08/2022 11:37

I dont think most people have experience of this situation tbh. I actually love it when dp is off work, I enjoy having him around and enjoy his company. If I felt the way you and op do I would seriously be questioning my relationship.

Show quote history

Yeah this. My dh is off for a week after today and I'm really looking forward to having him around. I'm self employed so can have been switching things around so we can spend the maximum amount of time together. If I was dreading it I would question why we are still together.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 25/08/2022 11:51

Not normal. Do you work or are you a SAHM? Looks like you dislike your H, why are you with him if you dont want to spend time with him?

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/08/2022 11:52

I think you can look forward to getting back to your routine and still appreciate your husband being around when he is.

Posters aren’t being catty - they are genuinely asking why it isn’t enjoyable. It isn’t ideal and you do need to think about how to improve it or it doesn’t bode well for you marital future.

girlmom21 · 25/08/2022 11:56

Do you feel the same at weekends? I do think it's a bit concerning

neverbeenskiing · 25/08/2022 11:56

ignore previous posters who obviously have no experience of the situation. Totally normal in my opinion

My DH works long hours, and in the past has worked so much/ with such a long commute we didn't really see him during the week. He also has to go away for work regularly. I still don't relate to what OP is describing. If anything, the fact that he works so hard makes me appreciate it all the more when we do get time together as a family. That's not a criticism of OP, or anyone else and obviously every relationship is different. I'm simply answering the question posed honestly. I'm not sure what the point would be of starting a thread asking if others feel the same way about something if you're just going to ignore anyone who says no.

sobeyondthehills · 25/08/2022 11:57

I sometimes feel like this, but only because my routine gets distrupted and it makes me anxious, within a day or two it settles again and we enjoy time together.

The only other time was during lockdown

Thornethorn · 25/08/2022 12:03

I can understand too much time with him off feeling a bit much but not enjoying a holiday in his company suggests you have replaced your marriage with a child. Unless he's acting in a way that justifies your feelings, I'm sorry for him.

One of the greatest things you can do for your child is give them a strong happy marriage to grow up with. That's not always within our control but you do perhaps need to get a grip here and look at what it would take for you to value time together. One day it will be just the two of you again.