To feel some sort of way when DH pays for others

[aibuprobably]

DH is successful, amazing career.

However, his friends and family are completely the opposite aside from his parents. DH in early 30s, his friends are students/in retail/not much going for them in terms of finances or aspirations tbh (same age). They just take no initiative and don't seem to have anything together, stuff always going wrong for them. Same with the family. He's always looking after them.

We have a friend visiting, we do have visitors frequently (we stay far away now in another city in the UK)

• When they visit, DH basically funds all outings and shopping. It's got to a point I just find it so rude that I leave it to them two to go out alone because I don't want to add another head worth of food and money, even if it's ours
• They don't offer to pay for anything, whether it's restaurants, eating etc. My friends and family will always try and compensate somehow whether it's "their turn" or they'll get the next one
• DH & friend just went and bought some stuff like alcohol etc for their boys holiday - I just seen the receipt and he was the one who paid for it all

I've spoke to DH about this a year ago trying to gently say I was worried people were using him, and he said that he's not stupid and he doesn't feel the same and if he wants to spend this money, he can. But it just doesn't sit right with me, I'm genuinely worried they only visit because he takes care of it and I don't know if I'm being irrational. We aren't struggling, so there's no issues on that front. But I just feel some sort of feeling in my stomach because I don't like the idea people around him feel entitled to it?

Hmmmm. Do you also earn lots of money yourself or does he spend lots on you as well?

@OttilieKnackered I earn a decent wage, but nowhere near DH in the slightest! He is extremely good to me on that front and all fronts, I couldn't ask for a better partner. But sometimes I walk around feeling guilty because I just feel like another person on said list that he's good to, as if I want to take the strain off him. He's never complained and doesn't seem to care, he's an extremely assertive person which always surprises me that it doesn't even bother him.

I think it’s up to him. He’s an adult, you’ve expressed your concerns, he’s given you his response and if he wants to pay and either doesn’t feel or doesn’t care that he’s being taken advantage of, I don’t think it’s really your place to insist that he has to stop because it makes you feel a certain way.

It doesn't bother him because he enjoys doing it. He clearly doesn't feel used.

Well then maybe there’s your answer!

It sounds like you have plenty of money and a lovely generous DH!

My dp is too generous but we can’t afford it; that’s the difference. You can, and he’s happy to pay, so let him get on with it.

Its his choice to spend his money the way he wishes, let him get on with it

I know what you mean OP. It's because they don't offer and expect it. It's not how I would behave. I would feel like that too.

Yep, I think this is exactly it. I feel like if my friends or family visited and didn't offer, I would genuinely be so confused because it's in their nature to do so, we're extremely open and forthcoming and it's just not something that would occur. I grew up literally watching family members fighting over who would get the bill (in terms of who could get to it first, and we were extremely poor growing up!), trying to sneak paying it at the bar, so it's just wild to me they don't!

It would piss me off too and I think you sound really lovely to be concerned about it and try not to add to it.

I agree. It's lovely that he's so thoughtful treats his friends and family who have less.

Personally, I think it's lovely that he's so generous and is happy to treat people when they make the effort to come and visit you.

He clearly has plenty of money and is presumably of sound mind, so I think you need to leave him to it. If it bothered him, that would be different, but he says he's happy so I don't think it's your place to step in here.

I agree. My DH is very generous but he doesn’t let people take the piss, I would find that a huge turn off.

To some people money is just money, it's not something they place a lot of value on. Especially if they know more is coming their way. Some people are generous with their time, some are generous with their skills, some are generous with money, and some are generous with their positivity. It doesn't sound like your DH is feeling used, so I don't see why you would want him to feel that way.

I think if your DH had max’d out his pension (e.g £40k a year) had some sound investments (tangible or shares) had a passive income on top of his work income, if he was set for the future/children etc then I would say fair play to him and be so generous! But if he’s actually just paying for people cos he gets some sort of external validation/makes him feel wanted etc then he should stop!

he needs to make sure you/your family are secure then I guess he can do what he wants!

So, you’re happy for him to pay for you but not his friends and family?

This couldn't be more than a reach.
I said in my first point I'm purposely leaving myself out of going to restaurants and outings at the moment so they can get some quality time together and I don't add an extra head. There's always one!

@aibuprobably I just don’t understand why it bothers you what he spends his (high) salary on?

I could understand if he couldn’t afford to but was doing it anyway and it was leaving your family short but it sounds like that’s not the case.

He clearly enjoys treating people in his life (including you) and given he can afford to - that sounds like a good thing.

But sometimes I walk around feeling guilty because I just feel like another person on said list that he's good to, as if I want to take the strain off him

You've spoken to him about it, he's happy with the arrangement so leave him to it. It would be different if he felt taken advantage of or if you were short of money but that's not the case. He doesn't need to stop because you feel guilty about it.

Removing yourself from going out with him/them is just silly, what's the point in that? Enjoy your life with him and let him be who he wants, it's not your place to police his feelings.

The thing is that I assume you fell in love with his nature. An open handed, open hearted type of guy. Don’t try and change that, it’s the very essence of who and what he is.
Make sure that he knows that you’d support him, if he ever said “no” but it doesn’t sound as if you or your children are going without, so enjoy the fact that you’ve a one in a million guy, who loves his friends and family so much.

YANBU as you’re worried he’s being taken advantage of and I think it’s rude of them not to even offer to pay.

But if I was on a high wage I would absolutely pay for things for my friends and family, especially the ones who’ve been there for a long time and probably paid for things for DH in the past.

In PP, I've said it bothers me that those around him expect it and don't offer. I don't come from a circle or even a family like that, so it's very abnormal for me to see people not even try to offer a round or anything like that - I think it's the bare minimum thing to do, and it's manners.

I get what you’re saying.

I’m from a poor background it looks like my bank balance is going to be quite high soon, due to a death. People around me are already paying me more attention and excitedly acting as if they’ll benefit from it. And in my mind I wanted to be able to treat people when I fancied it. The entitlement is really off-putting.

It would piss me off if CF’s just expect him to pay all of the time cos they know he’s a soft touch with money so I understand where you’re coming from.

Is it that they don't offer, or that he jumps in first?