To feel some sort of way when DH pays for others

[aibuprobably]

DH is successful, amazing career.

However, his friends and family are completely the opposite aside from his parents. DH in early 30s, his friends are students/in retail/not much going for them in terms of finances or aspirations tbh (same age). They just take no initiative and don't seem to have anything together, stuff always going wrong for them. Same with the family. He's always looking after them.

We have a friend visiting, we do have visitors frequently (we stay far away now in another city in the UK)

• When they visit, DH basically funds all outings and shopping. It's got to a point I just find it so rude that I leave it to them two to go out alone because I don't want to add another head worth of food and money, even if it's ours
• They don't offer to pay for anything, whether it's restaurants, eating etc. My friends and family will always try and compensate somehow whether it's "their turn" or they'll get the next one
• DH & friend just went and bought some stuff like alcohol etc for their boys holiday - I just seen the receipt and he was the one who paid for it all

I've spoke to DH about this a year ago trying to gently say I was worried people were using him, and he said that he's not stupid and he doesn't feel the same and if he wants to spend this money, he can. But it just doesn't sit right with me, I'm genuinely worried they only visit because he takes care of it and I don't know if I'm being irrational. We aren't struggling, so there's no issues on that front. But I just feel some sort of feeling in my stomach because I don't like the idea people around him feel entitled to it?

Thank you, Blossomtoes.

OP?

We've been not-married for 30+ years. We each have our own accounts (and a joint, for bills) Here's an example of how we work:
Me: can you get me some cash while you're out please, I've none to hand?
Him: brings cash, which came from his account
A different month:
Me: gets cash from my own account
Him: orders takeaway, pays through his account
Me: order takeaway, pay through my account
Him: I took some cash from your purse as I had none for the parking

Nobody asks how much, keeps a note etc. It's our money we both spend it

I've spoke to DH about this a year ago trying to gently say I was worried people were using him, and he said that he's not stupid and he doesn't feel the same and if he wants to spend this money, he can.

I mean that’s all there is then.
I almost always pay for my brothers because they are younger and I am more financially secure than them, even though they are still earning.
I have a friend who earns well but his friend is on a crazy high salary and I know what he friend always pays when they go out.
Some people are just generous and it doesn’t always have to be transactional.
Your husband is a grown up, he should have a say over a certain amount of his income and if he wants to pay more for towards his friends who earn less then that says a lot about him.
It also says a lot about you that you think they don’t work hard/ or “don’t have much going for them” because they earn less or work in retail.

I think YANBU regardless of how you split/don’t your finances. I have been in the position with wealthier friends and at times they have paid for for things that I can’t - eg person x wanting champagne, and purchasing a bottle for everyone which I can’t reciprocate. I learnt that to decline made an issue & they’d become more insistent that I had some so would end up writing it off (in my mind!). However I would never have an expectation that they would do this and would for eg have bought my own drinks/meal etc prior to this.
If your DH leads a lifestyle these friends can’t afford, can’t they meet up cheaply on some occasions? if it’s important for him to treat them on other occasions fine but it sounds like the meet ups are based around him paying for them & I wonder how many would be willing to see him outside of that context?

I am a high earner with low earning friends.

I think you are assuming a lot- you’ve seen a few occasions, but not private chats or anything around for example that booze bill. Unless you are there, you don’t know how someone may have taken him aside, and asked to pay- and he’d said he had a discount, or someone emailed to say they can’t afford it and he’s insisted it’s on him.

i would look profligate to a suspicious or protective friend but in order to see some friends and not embarrass them, these conversations happen in private.

it’s not your money and it’s not your friends. Back down.

Oh my husband is like this and I LOVE it

i adore how generous he is and I grew up homeless and not able to afford to eat food daily.

it’s his nicest trait in my eyes and it wouldn’t bother me. He’s happy to do it and that’s ok.

I see where you're coming from, OP. It's not your DH's generosity, it's the expectation of his generosity and that it seems to be being taken for granted. And because you love him, you want him to be appreciated for how he is as a person and not because he's able to stick his hand in his pocket on a regular basis. I'm boggled by some of the replies on this thread.

I find your subject line odd. 'I feel some sort of way ... '. Can't you name your feelings? Do you feel annoyed, indignant, possessive, jealous?

The last part - I'm quoting my husband here. I don't think less of anyone because they work in retail or "don't have much going for them". I'm quoting how my husband tells me their life is going for them, and how he feels sometimes they're maybe not making the best decisions and he tries to give them friendly advice on how to improve their situations. This is something my husband will rant to me privately about a lot, because he wants the best for his friends. I'm someone who worked in retail for years and didn't have much going for them before I was in the industry I am now!

THANK YOU! This is exactly it. I want people to appreciate my husband for his character and how amazing he is, not because they know if they see us, they will get whatever he offers out of it. I had a friend years back who would only see me if I could foot the bill, and I hated feeling like they didn't want to see me for the company, just because they knew they were getting a free lunch out of it.

But this doesn't explain all of your negative feelings about any money being spent on you.

@aibuprobably

what field of work is he in Op?

just wondering how high is high in terms of his salary?

I totally get what you mean. I have a relative like this who earns three times our household income just by herself. I still always pay half when we eat out together and wouldn't dream of letting her pay for things. I think she likes that as a lot of people do take advantage of her. Her sister doesn't even attempt to pay for things when she's with her which I find really odd. I wouldn't dream of letting any of my siblings pay for me despite their financial situation. It just doesn't sit well with me when people take advantage.

I think you sound like a snob and your behaviour in not joining your DH and his friends (whose jobs and lives you look down on) is weirdly passive aggressive.

Your DH, on the other hand, sounds lovely.

It's probably the entitlement that rankles. I would be effusive in my thanks in front of them.

My ex was a higher earner and did this. He was awful in many ways, but was a very generous person. He explained that he felt he’d been lucky in life with good education and good opportunities and wanted to share some of that luck. It also meant he could go to his favourite restaurants with his friends, rather than having to choose somewhere cheap or only go out with colleagues.

It would annoy me if my DHs family and friends were acting so entitled and taking advantage, no matter how much money he had! It's just plain grabby, not a nice quality to have in a person.

If he was offering off his own back that's different but if they are always assuming he will pay and only doing things with him because they know he will foot the bill, that's really shitty

Maybe one of the reasons he likes to earn a high salary is that he gets pleasure from spending it on others-some people like the feeling they get when being generous. If he says it’s not a problem, then believe him and accept that his world view is a little different to yours. It would be different if you were saving for something or having to stretch yourselves in order to indulge his friends and family but if you’re not, what’s the problem?

If you choose not to out out with your DH and his friends as you don't want him to spend additional money on you [which is odd in itself] , then how do you know his friends never offer first ? You're not there.

That'll show em.

Some men enjoy doing this to show off that they're a big successful man. I'm not saying that's what yours is doing, but maybe he enjoys it for that aspect so just let him get on with it.

Where does he take his friend to eat/drink/holiday? If my friend was earning megabucks and I was a student and they took me to dinner at the Savoy and expected me to pay I'd be a bit miffed.

Why can't you articulate your feelings about this? What is making you so uncomfortable?

@Whatonearth07957 that would honestly be so weird. He’s her husband - it would look very odd to be so ‘grateful’ for him paying. And it’s incredibly weird to not go to things so you don’t burden him - can’t you pay for yourself if you’re that worried? And then see what his friends do.

It doesn’t bother your husband OP, so I think you might need to drop it.

If you were giving close family and friends a lot of emotional support and not needing any yourself then how would you feel if your husband kept complaining that he wasn’t comfortable with it, and asking you to stop?

Would you not think that he was being unreasonable? It’s your time, your energy, and your friends. Would you not think he was being patronizing, that you are an adult, so can make your own mind up about whether you are being used or not.

This is what you are doing here. It is exactly the same. You have raised your concerns, you have been told he’s OK, so why won’t you leave him be? Refusing to go along because of the cost is crazy. Very passive aggressive.