To feel some sort of way when DH pays for others

[aibuprobably]

DH is successful, amazing career.

However, his friends and family are completely the opposite aside from his parents. DH in early 30s, his friends are students/in retail/not much going for them in terms of finances or aspirations tbh (same age). They just take no initiative and don't seem to have anything together, stuff always going wrong for them. Same with the family. He's always looking after them.

We have a friend visiting, we do have visitors frequently (we stay far away now in another city in the UK)

• When they visit, DH basically funds all outings and shopping. It's got to a point I just find it so rude that I leave it to them two to go out alone because I don't want to add another head worth of food and money, even if it's ours
• They don't offer to pay for anything, whether it's restaurants, eating etc. My friends and family will always try and compensate somehow whether it's "their turn" or they'll get the next one
• DH & friend just went and bought some stuff like alcohol etc for their boys holiday - I just seen the receipt and he was the one who paid for it all

I've spoke to DH about this a year ago trying to gently say I was worried people were using him, and he said that he's not stupid and he doesn't feel the same and if he wants to spend this money, he can. But it just doesn't sit right with me, I'm genuinely worried they only visit because he takes care of it and I don't know if I'm being irrational. We aren't struggling, so there's no issues on that front. But I just feel some sort of feeling in my stomach because I don't like the idea people around him feel entitled to it?

While I can see where you're coming from, if I were your DH I'd find it disrespectful that you're assuming I'm being taken for a ride by my friends. From what you wrote - these are long term friendships and a person as smart, successful and assertive as you describe him - would likely know when they're being mugged. Even if they are seeing only a paid meal/drink in him - if he decided that that's worth his 'play' money (assuming you as a family don't go without) - it's his business and his business alone.

To be fair @aibuprobably I’m not sure it is a reach. He is generous to you with his money probably more than anyone in his life. Counting yourself out of the odd dinner with a visitor isn’t exactly refusing his generosity. To be clear I really don’t think you should refuse it, enjoy every minute of it- but definitely don’t shame him for it. He is generous to his friends and family too, it’s not your money really.

The same impulse he has to share with his friends and family is the impulse that means you won’t be one of the many poor souls on this platform who end up going 50/50 on everything with their much richer partner. Or worse, the people who are shamed and bullied by their partners for not contributing more to the household even when they were the ones who sacrificed their career progression to raise children etc. Don’t be possessive over other people’s money, you can be sensible all you like- probably a good idea, but accept his gifts to you graciously and rejoice in the fact that this is something that gives him pleasure.

Also don’t pathologise his friends not having money, they weren’t as lucky as him (or you) for whatever reason, I’m sure he insists that he doesn’t mind paying and there’s a good chance they simply couldn’t afford any of it which is why they can’t offer that often in good faith.

I think I understand. It's not the spending. It's that he has friends/family who expect hm to spend. And, here's a question... if they did offer, would he let them?

We have a slightly similar issue but more to do with help rather than money. DH would help anyone, any time. And I really love that about him.

But I'm always a bit frustrated with him that he will not ever ask for or accept help.

And he has a few friends/family members for whom I have no time now because they have never ever offered or been there for him and in fact, have let hm down. And yet, if they ask him for something, he's there. Every single time. I hate that his good nature is abused like that.

My DH has for a long time been quite similar - always the one to 'look after' (aka enable) family and friends, especially financially. Mr Nice Guy, Mr Wonderful Son, Mr Great Boss...all that. In fact it was almost like he had several families...and that became all too apparent when it turned out he had 2 kids with another woman from a long standing affair.

That's my situation, not yours. But it might be worth asking yourself a couple of questions to cross check (these I gleaned from a long stint of individual and couples therapy): does (can?) your DH say a firm no to others when you need/ask something of him? Also - how good is your relationship really? Are you able to be yourself with him?

My friends and family will always try and compensate somehow whether it's "their turn" or they'll get the next one

Do they actually get the next one though?

In my life I've been well off among poorer friends and poor among well off friends. When I've been the one with the £ it's given me the greatest pleasure to treat other people; when I've been less well off sometimes I've felt bad about accepting. If his mates are all freeloaders who would disappear if he didnt have any £ then that's one thing, but if they are proper mates then I'd let him be.

How much does he earn that be pays for everything? Six figures? Just curious now

This sounds very familiar OP. Have you posted about you DH giving money to his brother previously?

If they are old friends from when dh wasn’t so well off, then it’s obvious they like him for himself. If they are newer friends, then mmmm.

I think you and your husband could learn a lot from each other by comparing the different cultures you come from re spending money on friends.

I've never known anybody to fight over paying a bill and if I saw it I'd think it an unnecessary display of [probably male] ego, using money to demonstrate 'status' [and leaving everybody else feeling obliged to make up for what was spent on them 'next time' or at Christmas or something]. Though I think that isn't how it works for you.

I've also never known friends/relatives who expected to be treated all the time [though with an acknowledgment that younger adults, who are studying/not yet earning much, when with someone with more income/wealth should be treated]

I think you've got some kind of culture clash here, rather than anything worse, given that you can afford it. And it's worth exploring that culture clash - it's not rude in your husband's culture for friends to accept his offerings without making a reciprical offer or he wouldn't do it.

I think that your dh's friends and family take it for granted that he funds activities that they take part in together and it's bad manners not to show some appreciation even if it's just a bottle of wine. I think I would join in on some activities and refuse to let him pay as it's our turn to treat you.

You say you adore him. Well, the person you adore likes sharing his good fortune with others, enjoys spending time with them and wants to 'treat' them.
If you have a problem with that, then you don't really 'adore' him because that is a fundamental component of his character.
He's not being taken advantage of ... he just has a completely different attitude to spending money on loved ones than you do. And I think you need to learn to make peace with it because doing anything else will be trying to change who he is, questioning the motivation of his loved ones and not accepting his values.
Choosing not to accompany them feels like a passive aggressive attempt to get him to stop spending his money on what he wants to spend it on.

When I was fortunate enough to be earning good money, significantly more than most of my friends, I enjoyed paying for stuff that we could all enjoy together. I felt it was perfectly fair, as I was significantly better off than most of them.

If any partner had tried to tell me that they were taking the piss, or I was being a mug and that I shouldn't do it, I'd have told them to piss off and mind their own fucking business.

Now that I'm voluntary sector pauper, the boot's on the other foot and I often get treated to meals, trips out etc by those same friends who are now comfortably off.

I think YABU, and your DH sounds like a lovely, generous man.

Yes, I read it the same way, so it's not "there's always one"... that's a bare minimum of three separate people. It's lovely and generous and kind when he spends it on you, but a cause for concern when he spends on other people he cares about...

All of this. I think you seem a bit controlling op.

Meh. If he has the money and likes paying I don't see the issue. I'd do it for my friends if I had enough and knew they had a lot less.

Maybe they used to offer but because he'd never accept it they don't offer anymore - they're all close enough.

He sounds very kind and generous. I would leave him to it really. He likes treating people. I get it and will Always try to help friends on less than me .unless he's buying them a car or something!

It's not really, since OP has a problem with him spending money on her too. I don't think it's about control either.

Somehow, OP has a guilt/obligation complex around money that makes her so uncomfortable she can't even articulate it...she just feels "some sort of way". Interesting, since she apparently grew up around people who insisted on paying all the time. Perhaps, unlike DH, they weren't motivated by the pleasure of giving?

She's trying to rationalise it as concern that others are taking advantage of her husband. But I think she just feels annoyed and disapproving that others don't have her same bad feeling about receiving generosity and don't feel, as she does, that it's a moral issue.

That's an interesting point. It's about learning to receive graciously. Some people just don't know how to do it because gifting was always tied to obligations or feeling lesser than . . . so they resent generosity because they have tied it to negative emotions and motivations. It may be that they see accepting gifts as a slight on their capability or independence.

People asking if he spends ‘his’ money on the OP are ridiculous, they are married. Honestly if he didn’t it would a LTB thread.

OP I have some very rich clients and I feel their families and friends treat them like a bloody bank (but don’t repay).

when you say high earning, how high? 7 figures, or 6? If you say 7, he can easily afford to treat people, but when he starts loaning money, trouble lies ahead.

Wow, well even though he's my other half when my husband pays for dinner I say thank you! Same as if he brings me a cup of tea...didn't realise being married suddenly meant you didn't have to say thank you!!
I just meant by saying 'thank you so much for treating us all to such a lovely dinner. It is really good of you.' (for example)..it may at least shame some of the entitled freeloaders to similarly say thank you and you will feel your husband is less taken advantage of.

@Whatonearth07957 quite clearly there’s a difference in saying thank you for a cup of tea and being so effusive / OTT in your thanks to try and make a point to others.

I don’t think the OP is coming back as she wanted only YANBU.

@Whatonearth07957 i also don’t recall the OP stating that they didn’t say thank you - she wasn’t at the booze shop and opts out of dinner so wouldn’t know