To feel some sort of way when DH pays for others

[aibuprobably]

DH is successful, amazing career.

However, his friends and family are completely the opposite aside from his parents. DH in early 30s, his friends are students/in retail/not much going for them in terms of finances or aspirations tbh (same age). They just take no initiative and don't seem to have anything together, stuff always going wrong for them. Same with the family. He's always looking after them.

We have a friend visiting, we do have visitors frequently (we stay far away now in another city in the UK)

• When they visit, DH basically funds all outings and shopping. It's got to a point I just find it so rude that I leave it to them two to go out alone because I don't want to add another head worth of food and money, even if it's ours
• They don't offer to pay for anything, whether it's restaurants, eating etc. My friends and family will always try and compensate somehow whether it's "their turn" or they'll get the next one
• DH & friend just went and bought some stuff like alcohol etc for their boys holiday - I just seen the receipt and he was the one who paid for it all

I've spoke to DH about this a year ago trying to gently say I was worried people were using him, and he said that he's not stupid and he doesn't feel the same and if he wants to spend this money, he can. But it just doesn't sit right with me, I'm genuinely worried they only visit because he takes care of it and I don't know if I'm being irrational. We aren't struggling, so there's no issues on that front. But I just feel some sort of feeling in my stomach because I don't like the idea people around him feel entitled to it?

@mountainsunsets anytime I've physically been there, they never offer!

Some people are generous, others aren’t. His money, his choice how he spends it.

@aibuprobably you asked for opinions if you are being unreasonable, I’m sorry you don’t like my answer.

If he is happy and can afford it then I don’t think you are reasonable to ‘feel some kind of way’ - it’s his money and he is happy by the sounds of it.

Your opinion is fine, I was just correcting you that it's not at all remotely that "I enjoy him spending his money on me and not others".. that's an entirely different situation and not mine

So you are fine with him spending his money on you, but not on others?

I don’t think that that’s reasonable. Mine and DH’s situation is similar to yours (both very high earners but he’s on hundreds of thousands more than me), and he’s always being first to the bar, always offering to pay for group meals out and so on, and it makes him happy.

We do have joint money, but I’d not be comfortable telling him to stop being kind to others just so that he and I can have even more sitting in investments when we die.

I'm similar because I can afford it and most of my friends/family can't. Paying a restaurant bill doesn't affect me, but for them to pay it (or even half) would mean going without something else. And I like doing things and eating out with them.

I would find it a real turn off if a partner - who I don't have joint finances with - was so interested in what I spend my money on.

The OP suggests he’s a very high earner, so he’ll be limited to funding only £4,000 per year.

I can’t agree that his wife comes ahead of his parents or siblings; families still matter even after you start a new one.

Yes, but is that because he pays automatically before they get the chance?

Personally, I think it's polite to pay for people who've made the effort to come and visit you, especially if it has no real impact on your finances to do so.

Yes, but is that because he pays automatically before they get the chance?

Or do they just avoid the "I'll pay!" "No, I'll pay!" charade because they know he'll win in the end? My mum doesn't go through the rigmarole anymore because she knows I'll never let her pay.

He doesn't pay before they get the chance, but they don't do that either. This is what I'm used to when it's myself and my F&F - but no, usually there's not one offer from whoever it may be, let alone several.

DH is good to me, but I always try and make sure I treat him back or I always refuse or decline something he might offer to get me, even if I do let him on the rare occasion, I usually do feel quite bad after.

This thread has opened my eyes. It's not that I'm bothered what he spends his money on or policing that, I just really don't like the idea of anyone feeling entitled to DH. I adore him too much and I don't like anyone looking at him for their own gain, I hate the idea of people maybe visiting because they know they essentially get a free trip out of it or something similar. The friend that's visiting just now, they've had extreme up and downs in the past, and when we first moved, DH told me he hadn't mentioned once about coming to visit and he was quite gutted, said his friend had previously said he had really no interest in visiting for some reason. Maybe that's not the case at all, so I really appreciate it. Thank you everyone.

YANBU it’s not the treating his friends/family that is the issue that’s nice if he has it and can afford to do it. It’s the fact that they don’t offer that would bother me. Even one meal, or buy some beers for the house if they don’t have much, to me that’s just good manners.

Whilst you have said you are not going for these dinners so that he doesn't have to pay for another head; do you not benefit in other financial ways from having a partner earning higher than yourself? For example a bigger house than you would have afforded on your own? Or do you go 50/50 on everything?

I think it's up to him if he genuinely doesn't mind and enjoys spending the money and he has it to spend. But I do completely agree with you that your main concern isn't your husband spending his money, but other people's willingness to take it and never offer to buy anything themselves or 'get a round in'. Even if you know someone can afford it, they are not obligated to pick up every tab so I think people should always at least offer and be willing to contribute.

My brothers fiance has never put her hand in her pocket for my parents once in 7 years. If she visits, my family pay for everything. They are not rich but they can afford to feed them & pay for meals out when they visit. But she's never even so much as bought my Mum a glass of wine or anything. We all find it weird as mine and my sisters husbands will always offer to get a round in but she never does.

I doubt he got that level of success by being an over-trusting idiot who let people walk all over him. I'm sure he's aware that they don't offer to pay but it doesn't bother him. Some people who earn a lot like being sugar daddies, so to speak. Be grateful you're married to one.

DH is good to me, but I always try and make sure I treat him back or I always refuse or decline something he might offer to get me, even if I do let him on the rare occasion, I usually do feel quite bad after.

Why do you feel bad after your successful husband treats you?

And why do you not approve when others don't share your feelings of badness?

They’re his friends. His family. He isn’t worried and he can afford it. I’d butt out.

DH is good to me, but I always try and make sure I treat him back or I always refuse or decline something he might offer to get me, even if I do let him on the rare occasion, I usually do feel quite bad after.

Why on earth do you feel bad, though?

It's not that I'm bothered what he spends his money on or policing that, I just really don't like the idea of anyone feeling entitled to DH. I adore him too much and I don't like anyone looking at him for their own gain, I hate the idea of people maybe visiting because they know they essentially get a free trip out of it or something similar.

But he's happy to pay! Maybe he feels like it's polite to pay after they've made the effort to come and visit him and pay the associated travel costs, or maybe he doesn't see them often and wants to treat them, or maybe he doesn't want them to stop visiting if they're struggling financially.

I hate to do the Mumsnet "joint finances" thing, but...do you not have joint finances, with his salary? How does it become a system of you treating each other?

I recognise this, as we have more disposable income than some of our friends and family, and there are a couple of people who never put their hands in their pocket, or even make a token offer. Which is irritating, but we've agreed to suck it up, as we don't see them that often. But then, its only a few, not everyone.

What's weird to me on this thread is the 'he's good to me', 'he treats you too' comments. They are married - the money is both of theirs, its family money. He's not treating her - they are spending their money on things.

We’ve been married for 22 years and don’t have joint finances. Lots of people don’t. Does your bloke not buy you birthday or Christmas presents?

I’m totally on your side OP. I just can’t abide mumpers, because that’s what they are.

My dh is a super-soft touch, and I doubt he’ll ever change. I’d rather have that than a stingy bastard though!

The male of a couple we fairly often ate out with, would almost invariably have ‘forgotten his wallet’ when the bill arrived, and once home, would ‘unfortunately’ have no cash - and be unable to find his cheque book. It almost turned into a standing joke between me and dh.

There was no shortage of money - when the bloke died he left 2 houses paid for and over £1m cash - which I do know because dh was an executor.
He was just unbelievably tight.

I always felt sorry for his wife - they had completely separate finances and she didn’t have much at all - I’d have found it so embarrassing.

The way you say you feel doesn't make sense to me, OP. What would make more sense (given what you've posted) is that you have an expectation of being able to control/direct what your husband does with his money. He's already taking care of his family with you and he's also taking care of his family and friends.

He's allowed to do that. He's told you he's doing that. That's the end of it, really. Keep leaving yourself out if you want to, I imagine that's fine, couples don't need to be together all the time.

Regardless of your upbringing, this really isn't your business and infantilising your husband by telling him to stop was really off. It's for you to stop doing that. Manage your money how you like.

I leave it to them two to go out alone because I don't want to add another head worth of food and money, even if it's ours.

Friends visit and you intentionally don't join your husband with them so that nothing will be spent on you? Even though your husband earns a lot?

I think you're the one with a funny attitude to money here, OP. Was everyone in your family always fighting to get the bill because they wanted to treat people, like your husband, or because they wanted to create some kind of feeling of obligation and guilt, like you've got?

I’d do the same as your ds and so would Dh if we had the cash. But we haven’t.