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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by house guests helping too much? I need you to be brutally honest!

78 replies

myletterbox · 24/08/2022 13:24

I really need some external perspective on this. I’ve been stressed and anxious recently and I cannot work out if I’m being completely unreasonable or not.

My husband invited his parents down to help with DIY as we’re shortly putting our flat on the market. We have 2 young children. I don’t get on well with his parents (nothing specific, just not close).

Over a few days they were really helpful and the house looks great (painting etc.). BUT as well as doing DIY, I feel they just generally took over the flat (this isn’t the only time its happened, but definitely the most intense). Here’s some of the things that annoyed me the most:

• They arrived around 8.30pm in the evening, about 30 mins after we’d got the kids to bed. I was sitting down (for the first time that evening after nursery pick up and bedtime chaos). Within 10 minutes of arriving, were tidying up mess left by the kids and dinner plates that we’d left on the table. I asked them 3 times to stop and leave it. They wouldn’t. I actually said, ‘I’d really prefer you didn’t do that as I’m going to do it shortly’. They didn’t stop and I had to get up and ask my MIL to give me the cloth and I finished it myself there and then.

• Came into my home office twice after I explicitly told them not to (I made a big point after the first time and asked them to take out anything from the room they thought they might need). They still came in two more times without knocking.

• Told me that my bedsheet that was in the wash still had the bloodstain on from my period and asked me where they should soak it. I said, please don’t do anything with it and took it off them and put it out of their sight.

• Hung up my washing, including my pants! (They didn;t need the washing machine for anything.)

• I waited until no one was in the kitchen to take some baby cups out the dishwasher that shouldn’t go in and wash them by hand. Unfortunately FIL came back in and told me I was doing it wrong and I should put them in the dishwasher. (They're my f*cking cups, I think I know how to wash them up!)

There’s more examples, but they’re all of the same ilk.

I just feel they take over the place completely and disregard anything I say. It feels so intrusive. I can't explain why but I hate it soooo much and, partly as a result of that and probably partly other stuff, I am just cold and rude to them.

My husband says he simply cannot see my perspective. His parents are trying to be helpful (and are in many respects).

Am I reasonable to be pissed off or am I being a d*ck?

What can I do? The situation is going to get worse as they're probably going to 'help' when we move house. The idea of their involvement is already making me feel annoyed/anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
myletterbox · 24/08/2022 13:25

Sorry about the italics - didn't realise that putting a star in changed it to that!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/08/2022 13:28

Yanbu at all

I would suggest you redirect their efforts to jobs which do need doing if you can

Original poster
myletterbox · 24/08/2022 13:31

Yeah, I’ve tried to do that but they just ignore me. It’s like they think that I do want their help, and I’m just saying no to be polite. But I really really don’t! At least not in the way they’re providing it. My husband acts like I’m a monster for not appreciating them more, and I can’t understand how he can’t see my side!

OP posts:
Backtoreality1 · 24/08/2022 13:33

In some respects you are being unreasonable.....you had sat down for the first time all day, and someone came in and started tidying/cleaning the kitchen....I would be kissing their feet with gratitude! The office thing I totally get, that should be out of bounds. But the rest of it, they are trying to help you out and you are being ungrateful. Perhaps if you asked them to do some specific things to help eg prepare and evening meal for hte whole family, or weed the garden, then it would mean they weren't looking for things to help out.

Sunnyqueen · 24/08/2022 13:34

For me it would be the ignoring me that would be more of an issue. The rest of it you've said yourself the house looks great thanks to them so I'd let them crack them on but I would reiterate to your husband that it's not them generally helping to get the place sorted it's when you've asked them to not do something specific like going in to your office without knocking that's the problem..

Mumspair1 · 24/08/2022 13:34

Yanbu, there's helpful and there's crossing the line. I can't believe they brought up your bloodstained sheets to you 😳. If your dh doesn't want to have a word with them then you absolutely should.

Dilbertian · 24/08/2022 13:35

Backtoreality1 · 24/08/2022 13:33

In some respects you are being unreasonable.....you had sat down for the first time all day, and someone came in and started tidying/cleaning the kitchen....I would be kissing their feet with gratitude! The office thing I totally get, that should be out of bounds. But the rest of it, they are trying to help you out and you are being ungrateful. Perhaps if you asked them to do some specific things to help eg prepare and evening meal for hte whole family, or weed the garden, then it would mean they weren't looking for things to help out.

This.

Original poster
myletterbox · 24/08/2022 13:38

its helpful to hear the feedback. I can’t explain why but I’m really defensive about them doing anything - it sort of makes me feel like they’re judging me. I don’t know, it’s hard to articulate. It’s just my home and I feel like I’m sort of unwelcome there when they’re taking over. Not sure if that makes sense or not!

OP posts:
Pu4o8 · 24/08/2022 13:39

If their behaviour annoys you on moving day use the children as an excuse to keep out of the way e.g take them out for something to eat and soft play so you can arrive in your new home with everything loaded and unloaded from the van

Entwifery · 24/08/2022 13:41

YANBU, this would wind me right up. My MIL can't rest and feels the need to putter and tidy up as well. One time she snapped the hinge on my expensive laptop by forcing it shut, when I had specifically put it aside in the open position because the hinge was damaged and there was a wait to get it repaired. There was no reason for her to touch it but she did and it was permanently damaged thereafter. She's also taken all the crystals off my light fixtures and soaked them in vinegar while I repeatedly asked her to leave it. Some people don't understand that their brand of "helping" causes stress.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 24/08/2022 13:43

I can't believe some posters are saying it was ok to talk to you about your bloodstained sheet! Confused

I wouldn't be happy with this from my in-laws either. I guess it's possible they don't realise there's any issue. Can you politely but firmly say (with DH present) that you both prefer to do your own washing, especially sheets and personal items. However they are welcome to help out with x, y, z and you really appreciate the DIY etc.

This would obviously be much easier if you liked them to begin with.

If they then go specifically against your wishes, it's time to review if you want them back again.

Bumbers · 24/08/2022 13:43

I am with you 100% OP. It would stress me out and I would feel quite violated and ignored.

If I had just sat down and PIL started tidying, I wouldn't br able yo feel relaxed. It would have the exact opposite impact and stress me out!

Your DH should respect your position.

Can you or DH say how you really appreciate they are trying to help, but it is intrusive ans that they should either wait to be asked or check first (amd listen to the answer!)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 13:43

Does your DH actually do any housework or leave it all to you?

He also needs to have your back more if they are making you feel uncomfortable. You need to get some time away from them and explain you need to have more boundaries in place, he needs to support you then you sit down and explain it to them together.

The bloodstains on your bedsheets? I'd have hit the roof at that to be honest. So invasive!

Entwifery · 24/08/2022 13:44

To add to that, I personally would not take it upon myself to clean someone else's home unless they asked me to or I verified that it was okay. How is it different from rummaging through your things? There's no reason to hang up your pants, you can do it yourself. I don't think you owe them any gratitude for that! I'd be very annoyed.

Scarlettpixie · 24/08/2022 13:47

Stop being a martyr and let them help. Drying pots while you have 5 minutes? I would be so happy if someone would help me.

senua · 24/08/2022 13:52

When are you next going to their house? Move random things to random places because you are 'helpful' like that. Continue to do it until PIL get the message.Grin

YUNBU. Nice people ask if you want help (and what sort of help), they don't force it on you.

Original poster
myletterbox · 24/08/2022 13:52

To answer the question above, DH does do lots of housework, probably more than me.
his mum helps out his sister a lot and basically acts as there cleaner/nanny, so I do think she’s trying to be helpful. But I just hate it, and no matter how many times I tell myself not to get annoyed every time I perceive them to be overstepping the mark it just winds me up and I have to remove myself from the situation to avoid snapping at them. It just seems so sad because I know they don’t mean to offend me, but I can’t seem to just accept that it’s going to be like this…. I really wish I could just be grateful but I just feel pissed off, and that makes me feel like a brat!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 24/08/2022 14:04

I totally get you.

Anyone helping has an implicit judgement that 'you can't do this so I'm going to do it for you'

The only way to fix this is to reframe it and come to terms with the fact that, through no fault of your own, no, actually, you can't do it and there's nothing wrong with admitting that!

You don't get defensive if a mechanic fixes your car - you just accept he can do something you can't and there's no expectation that you should be able to do it.

You have 2 small children and by the sounds of it you work too.

Of COURSE you can't keep a spotless home and worry about bleaching sheets immediately.

If you can accept that bit, a lot of the stress will go as it's self generated. You'll be able to let a lot of the stuff go eg the sheets, the tidying, the hanging out washing...

Then you'll be stronger to deal with the battles that are worth having eg the office situation which is all on them

LookItsMeAgain · 24/08/2022 14:07

You need to have a conversation either with your DH and advise him that if doesn't want to have the conversation with his parents about this, you will.

When you ask them to stop doing something that they feel is being helpful (e.g. clearing the plates) it's because you feel they are overstepping, you had said that you were going to be doing it in a few minutes anyway and then you felt rushed from doing what you were doing to pick up wherever they were leaving off. This wasn't helpful and it was overstepping.

Why they were in your bedroom (or even doing your laundry) is another overstepping area. You neither asked them to do your laundry or wanted them to do it. It's a big no no. You understand that they are your DH's parents but he's a big boy now and he can do his own laundry and you can do yours. No one needs to have their laundry done for them.

Going in to your office - again - a no no, especially after you had specifically told them not to.

They want to help with the DIY - rock on but anything else, not required and if they continue to over step you'll be really reluctant to invite them for any reason going forwards. This is about mutual respect. They don't seem to respect your requests.

Entwifery · 24/08/2022 14:07

FusionChefGeoff · 24/08/2022 14:04

I totally get you.

Anyone helping has an implicit judgement that 'you can't do this so I'm going to do it for you'

The only way to fix this is to reframe it and come to terms with the fact that, through no fault of your own, no, actually, you can't do it and there's nothing wrong with admitting that!

You don't get defensive if a mechanic fixes your car - you just accept he can do something you can't and there's no expectation that you should be able to do it.

You have 2 small children and by the sounds of it you work too.

Of COURSE you can't keep a spotless home and worry about bleaching sheets immediately.

If you can accept that bit, a lot of the stress will go as it's self generated. You'll be able to let a lot of the stuff go eg the sheets, the tidying, the hanging out washing...

Then you'll be stronger to deal with the battles that are worth having eg the office situation which is all on them

I don't think that's the case .... she didn't say she "can't" do it. She's not incapacitated as far as we know, and she shouldn't have to accept people essentially invading and taking over her home if she doesn't want to.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2022 14:13

I wish people would realise that just because they wouldn't mind/don't care/would be thrilled they are not the OP

She does mind. She does feel they're overstepping and she needs advice as to how to get them to stop.

Personally OP I think you just need a full and frank conversation(after you've had one with your husband)

Blossomtoes · 24/08/2022 14:17

Probably best to turn down any offers of help from now on.

TedMullins · 24/08/2022 14:28

They should have listened when you told them to stop but I think the only way to avoid this is to just not have them round to help at all. I do think it’s mainly a you problem though, I’d love it if someone came and did all my housework and have no qualms about leaving them to it while I had a nap!

IcedOatLatte · 24/08/2022 14:30

Scarlettpixie · 24/08/2022 13:47

Stop being a martyr and let them help. Drying pots while you have 5 minutes? I would be so happy if someone would help me.

Wanting to do your stuff in the way you want to do it isn't what martyr means

It's almost the opposite situation here, the OP actively wants to do the things, she's not doing them under sufference

The MIL and FIL are totally overstepping and the DH needs to tell them so

Only weirdos insist on doing someone else's washing and things they've been specifically asked not to do.

Gruffling · 24/08/2022 14:37

Yanbu. That's some controlling behaviour. The thing with the period stain on the sheet is particularly disrespectful of your privacy.

My advice is to try and pay and professional help for DIY in future rather than accept their help - it comes with too many strings. But I also think you have a DH problem here, he should be standing up for you in enforcing boundaries.