To be annoyed by house guests helping too much? I need you to be brutally honest!

[myletterbox]

I really need some external perspective on this. I’ve been stressed and anxious recently and I cannot work out if I’m being completely unreasonable or not.

My husband invited his parents down to help with DIY as we’re shortly putting our flat on the market. We have 2 young children. I don’t get on well with his parents (nothing specific, just not close).

Over a few days they were really helpful and the house looks great (painting etc.). BUT as well as doing DIY, I feel they just generally took over the flat (this isn’t the only time its happened, but definitely the most intense). Here’s some of the things that annoyed me the most:

• They arrived around 8.30pm in the evening, about 30 mins after we’d got the kids to bed. I was sitting down (for the first time that evening after nursery pick up and bedtime chaos). Within 10 minutes of arriving, were tidying up mess left by the kids and dinner plates that we’d left on the table. I asked them 3 times to stop and leave it. They wouldn’t. I actually said, ‘I’d really prefer you didn’t do that as I’m going to do it shortly’. They didn’t stop and I had to get up and ask my MIL to give me the cloth and I finished it myself there and then.

• Came into my home office twice after I explicitly told them not to (I made a big point after the first time and asked them to take out anything from the room they thought they might need). They still came in two more times without knocking.

• Told me that my bedsheet that was in the wash still had the bloodstain on from my period and asked me where they should soak it. I said, please don’t do anything with it and took it off them and put it out of their sight.

• Hung up my washing, including my pants! (They didn;t need the washing machine for anything.)

• I waited until no one was in the kitchen to take some baby cups out the dishwasher that shouldn’t go in and wash them by hand. Unfortunately FIL came back in and told me I was doing it wrong and I should put them in the dishwasher. (They're my f*cking cups, I think I know how to wash them up!)

There’s more examples, but they’re all of the same ilk.

I just feel they take over the place completely and disregard anything I say. It feels so intrusive. I can't explain why but I hate it soooo much and, partly as a result of that and probably partly other stuff, I am just cold and rude to them.

My husband says he simply cannot see my perspective. His parents are trying to be helpful (and are in many respects).

Am I reasonable to be pissed off or am I being a d*ck?

What can I do? The situation is going to get worse as they're probably going to 'help' when we move house. The idea of their involvement is already making me feel annoyed/anxious.

I would feel exactly the same. I think after more than 10 years, I scared my inlaws into not over-helping with my withering looks and frustrated sighs after they ignored my pleas and demands.
I think my inlaws just think they are helping and think that they know better.
Deep breaths!

I think it's a mix. Some things on your list I can understand your husband's perspective on, like tidying the table - It’s like they think that I do want their help, and I’m just saying no to be polite - is exactly what this sounds like. But other things are completely obviously unacceptable, like their entering your office without knocking.

I wonder if part of the issue is that they see "getting the flat ready to sell" and "helping the family move" as a whole "project" that they're in charge of and free to organise as they like, rather than a larger effort that you and your husband are handling and they are helping with particular pieces. Their role in your SIL's household may feed into that. It also may be habit, if they're still seeing your husband as their child and in need of their guidance and help.

To get your husband on side, could you maybe agree to let the small things slide but present a clear, firm, united message to the PILs that IF you or your husband specifically ask them not to do something, they don't do it. Then both of you together outline for them what you DO need done and what you'd like them to leave alone, and if they make an honest mistake (something like the sheet, which seems like bad judgement on their part) don't get angry, just tell them thanks, but going forward that area's off limits.

They’re just trying to be helpful.
For some people this is their love language.

How many times are there threads moaning about house guests not helping out or bring more grateful.

I don’t like people in my space either but if they want to slave away all day then sit back and let them.

My MIL does this. It's infuriating but it's also only what she'd be doing in her own home. She doesn't read or watch tv, her whole life is basically cleaning and tidying. No hobbies. So now I let her crack on with the exception of clothes folding because I don't like her method... I realised after talking to my DW that MIL was doing it to be busy, not to fuck us off. That sort of helped.

All the sympathy. Nothing worse than telling someone not to bother only for them to do it anyway.

I completely get this OP. A little help, eg chopping veg for dinner or clearing dishes after is polite imo. Fiddling with my laundry and commenting on it - not on. Telling me I'm doing my own dishes wrong - not on.

I understand what you mean about feeling "judged". I have a SIL who potters from the time she arrives to when she leaves, and tbh it drives me potty. Yes I do feel judged, as if my house is somehow not up to her standards and she has to constantly clean/sweep etc. I like to do my housework my own way in my own time and I often wish she'd just relax! We're very different people though, I'm laid back and like to sit and chat, and she's like a coiled spring, always on the go.

Saying all that, she'd never dream of interrupting me while I work. I'd be sitting your DH down and spelling out to him that you are not happy, that they have crossed a line and that, while HE may not see a problem, nonetheless YOU do; he needs to sort it. Happy wife happy life n all that!

I came on the thread to say YABU but then I read the detail and 😱😱😱 what a pain they are! No sense of boundaries or respect!

Tell DH you do not want them ‘helping’ woth the move at all in any way because they are driving you crazy by refusing to respect normal boundaries. If you need help hire a cleaner / babysitter / handyman.

Or just take kids on go stay in a holiday let until it’s all over.

It’s so good to hear everyone’s feedback. It makes me feel so much better that some people see it my way, and also helps me understand how my DH and his parents probably feel.

I think I’m going to try and let some of the things go and just accept it’s who they are and then try and be very clear about the handful of things that I just really, really don’t want them doing. I’m not sure how it’s best to do this though - DH would probably speak to them, but as he doesn’t agree with me it would probably be a watered down version and then they’d just ignore it anyway. I think I have to speak to them myself unfortunately…. I hate this kind of thing. I normally just hide in another room when people piss me off!

And yeah, the sheets thing really was the last straw. But I could see in MIL face she had no idea how I felt, she really did think she was being helpful, she wasn’t trying to embarrass me (although it certainly had that effect!)

The fact that they’re not listening to you properly is really disrespectful. I’m very familiar with the feeling of my home being taken over and personally I snapped, had a meltdown and demanded to be treated like a person in my own home 😅

It worked, but it wasn’t pretty!

I understand what you mean. I feel that I should be grateful for the help. But when my MIL is raking about the utility room doing another load of laundry I feel like my privacy and space has been invaded.

Give them a long list of tasks and say it would help if they are able to any of them. Keep them busy

Commenting on your daughter in law's period stained sheets is "love language"? They sound like a nightmare. Would drive me insane. They aren't being helpful, they are assuming that they are in charge.

I can't think of any scenario where I would be comfortable with my parents or in laws discussing that I'm on my period and wanting to give me tips on how to get blood stains out of my bed sheet. And how odd of your FIL to tell you how you should wash cups in your own home.

I sympathise as my own mum and MIL can be similar with regards to helpful comments about how I should be earning my house.

Could you say something along the lines of you knowing that they really want to help and really appreciate it, but there are some things that you'd rather they didn't do. You could say you will work on accepting their help if they can work on accepting that on the occasions you say no thank you, you really mean it.

So if they come in and tidy your dinner things away, you will sit down and accept the help graciously, but if you say PILs please don't touch my personal laundry, they need to listen.

Tell them that, seeing as you are family, can you all be really honest with each other.

They will tell you if they are worried/ upset and you will do the same?

Families work best like this anyway

It's not helpful when they are not listening though is it?
This is crossing the line into controlling and intrusive.

Also they are doing everything else without your permission so I'm confused as to why they are suddenly asking for your thoughts on a bloodstained sheets.
I wonder if they aren't trying to make a point there.

I've never soaked a sheet in my life,ours have minimal old stains .

It sounds incredibly intrusive.

Big difference in saying " op, we have some time on our hand's and we feel awkward when we are not doing anything, is there anything we could hellp with, any corner or job that's hanging over you,we would be glad to help. "

I sympathise as my in laws are like this - try very hard to be helpful but on their own terms, rather than asking or listening to me about what I would actually find helpful. I've learned to accept that it's just how it is and better than someone who doesn't help at all!

I feel your pain. I could have written this myself about my own PIL (minus the bloodstained sheets!). It sounds like a non-problem but it is truly infuriating and I rage about it all the time. I think it's the entitlement and familiarity all rolled into one with a side helping of judgement.

Luckily, my DH agrees with me so our current strategy is grit our teeth until they leave, be assertive about specific things to leave alone and only let them visit for a couple of days. We have tried redirecting their efforts but they pulled faces while doing these tasks.

I absolutely cannot stand people in my kitchen, or making themselves drinks etc etc

I can never understand it when I read on here that someone has taken umbrage that friends/family are visiting and they're 'not helping out'

MN is quite peculiar in that way, everyone is 'helping out' by doing some chores or house work or diy or whatever whatever

Weird.

Op I totally get it..our in laws came up to do some DIY in one room and mil cleaned all windows and window sills (you know around the opening that can get a bit manky). I was mortified and felt like she felt our house was minging.

It stresses me out as FIL also changed a door handle and said "I worry about the kids getting trapped".., there was no chance of that and also he did a shit job that needed replacing straight away anyway!

It's so intrusive having family help in your home sometimes!!

But I try and take a deep breath and not overthink...

I do get it though op so sending

This ^

Especially as you started explaining the situation by saying "My husband invited his parents down to help".........

I would give my right arm for two living, able-bodied grandparents (or anyone frankly) to come into my house, clean up, do my laundry, and help with DIY.

You can send them to mine if you’re fed up.

You say you are ‘cold and rude’ to them, so yes you are most certainly being ‘a dick’.

YANBU at all. That would drive me mad. To me, the tidying around you when they came in is like them saying "Good thing we are here to tidy up or it obviously wouldn't get done at all".