To be annoyed by house guests helping too much? I need you to be brutally honest!

[myletterbox]

I really need some external perspective on this. I’ve been stressed and anxious recently and I cannot work out if I’m being completely unreasonable or not.

My husband invited his parents down to help with DIY as we’re shortly putting our flat on the market. We have 2 young children. I don’t get on well with his parents (nothing specific, just not close).

Over a few days they were really helpful and the house looks great (painting etc.). BUT as well as doing DIY, I feel they just generally took over the flat (this isn’t the only time its happened, but definitely the most intense). Here’s some of the things that annoyed me the most:

• They arrived around 8.30pm in the evening, about 30 mins after we’d got the kids to bed. I was sitting down (for the first time that evening after nursery pick up and bedtime chaos). Within 10 minutes of arriving, were tidying up mess left by the kids and dinner plates that we’d left on the table. I asked them 3 times to stop and leave it. They wouldn’t. I actually said, ‘I’d really prefer you didn’t do that as I’m going to do it shortly’. They didn’t stop and I had to get up and ask my MIL to give me the cloth and I finished it myself there and then.

• Came into my home office twice after I explicitly told them not to (I made a big point after the first time and asked them to take out anything from the room they thought they might need). They still came in two more times without knocking.

• Told me that my bedsheet that was in the wash still had the bloodstain on from my period and asked me where they should soak it. I said, please don’t do anything with it and took it off them and put it out of their sight.

• Hung up my washing, including my pants! (They didn;t need the washing machine for anything.)

• I waited until no one was in the kitchen to take some baby cups out the dishwasher that shouldn’t go in and wash them by hand. Unfortunately FIL came back in and told me I was doing it wrong and I should put them in the dishwasher. (They're my f*cking cups, I think I know how to wash them up!)

There’s more examples, but they’re all of the same ilk.

I just feel they take over the place completely and disregard anything I say. It feels so intrusive. I can't explain why but I hate it soooo much and, partly as a result of that and probably partly other stuff, I am just cold and rude to them.

My husband says he simply cannot see my perspective. His parents are trying to be helpful (and are in many respects).

Am I reasonable to be pissed off or am I being a d*ck?

What can I do? The situation is going to get worse as they're probably going to 'help' when we move house. The idea of their involvement is already making me feel annoyed/anxious.

This! Get a grip fgs!

I hate HPs. Helpy fuckers.

HFs!

To me, the tidying around you when they came in is like them saying "Good thing we are here to tidy up or it obviously wouldn't get done at all".

Whereas to me, it says

"Someone we care about is stressed and anxious (OP's own words). They have asked us to come and help (OP's own words). I remember having two little children and trying to work, even before the stress of trying to get my home ready to sell. I would have loved for someone to chip in when I was at that stage of life. What can I do to help." and I repeat - they were ASKED if they would COME AND HELP

It’s so interesting how divided the opinion is on this. It makes me think that even if I try and speak to MIL/FIL there’s just no way they’ll see it from my point of view. I don’t want to create a massive drama but also know that it really impacts my relationship with them. I wish there was an easy solution!

Mine are like this. I hate it. YANBU.

I would have totally thrown them out after that business with the sheet. Visitors, even family, don’t go anywhere near my washing!

Oh god my in-laws are like this op. You have my full sympathy!
You need to direct them to do things you want them to do. And take time away from them if you can. Go for a walk/nap etc...

You have an in-law problem.

Husband problem too if he won't deal with it.

It reminds me of the time my extra kind MIL said "I've cleaned all your mugs by soaking them each with a tablespoon of washing powder, (expensive extra concentrated stuff). She's one of those people whose identity is really tied up in helping people and used to get emotional if she couldn't. I think for some people they just cannot switch off and be guests or respect boundaries.

The key point is you offer/ ask, don't just wade in unless you are really very familiar. My mum would say "shall I do your ironing" and I'd be really grateful and know she wouldn't iron all the pants and socks and knows how a modern iron works.

Lifesaving aside, there's a dignity in accepting help on your terms not having it imposed, no matter how well meant.

But you / DH invited them for a few days to help out. So whilst you’re thinking you’re an adult in your own home you’ve said to them you need help with adulting tasks (painting etc). They hear “come over to help us out a bit” and that’s what they are doing. Probably thinking they want to make to make it clear that they want to help you as well as their DS.
Whilst you’re thinking you’re an independent adult who maybe would really appreciate it if someone were to help redecorate a room.

You can't have it all ways. Next time just don't involve them at all, then you can't complain about their level of help.

I don't understand why you have them round to help in the first place. Why agree if they are overstepping boundaries? Something's definitely are intrusive but some I think you are being ungrateful like washing up. Don't agree to have their help at all problem solved 🤷‍♀️

My mother tends this way. In her case, it’s because she thinks it’s polite to always refuse offers of food, drink or help, but that the polite response to this polite refusal is to behave as though the ‘no’ was never said, because the person didn’t really mean it and are expecting their refusal to be discounted because no one ever says what they actually mean. This has frequently ended in madnesses like her making a three-course meal for visitors who just dropped in to say goodbye on the way to the airport from a restaurant meal.

I had to get brutal and point out that it was quite mad to assume everyone else operated according to her demented script, and she could assume I meant what said when I said ‘No, I don’t want you to wash the dishes, rearrange my fridge etc.’

As much as I think they've meant well, they shouldn't continue to do it after you've asked them to stop.

"MIL, I know that you clean etc for SIL and she is happy with that, but I'm quite a private person, and though I appreciate you wanting to help, and the DIY things you've done are amazing, I'd rather that you didn't do my washing or other personal stuff. I'm just not comfortable with that"

A different perspective on the whole 'judgey' thing:

1. Some people like very tidy and clean spaces. It gives them a sense of calm and a small fillip of accomplishment, to sit back after the work and look around and think 'oooh, that looks nice'.

1. Doing other people's housework is LOADS more satisfying than doing your own. You can dust their shelves, and you'll have left before they need redusting. Unlike doing your own, it is not ENDLESS.

1. If you are someone who understands 1 and 2 above, you're very likely to have fantasised about someone coming into your home, and waving a magic wand - because almost everyone in life (and very much almost every parent) has had times when they don't have near enough time or energy to 'keep on top of everything', and would really have liked some help

Fine to have boundaries OP - your home, your rules. But just because they're 'helping', doesn't mean they're judging.

My in laws liked to have jobs to do when they came to stay, but they asked what they could do, and that's the difference.

Also my FIL loved ironing! So I'd save it ask for their visit, and he was happy and I was thrilled!

Make a list of jobs that need doing and assign them jobs off list. Write their name next to said jobs. Talk to them Nicky and tell them you would be really grateful if they could do X, y, X jobs to help you. You don't sound grateful and you sound very resentful of them.

If you had a sheet with blood stain on you should speak it in salt water to get stain out straight away

I think you've missed the point somewhat

I think YABU. His parents sound great! However, I can see why you may get a bit iffy (e.g. changing bed sheets with period stains). My mum is very much like your in laws, literally starts cooking and cleaning despite my efforts to tell her to sit down, and not because her help is too much or annoying me but because I feel bad. I think your reading too much into it, and should actually just enjoy and appreciate, as I take it they don't live with you anyway. The only time I would get annoyed at anyone cleaning is if they were complicating it more for me after, as I like things a certain way.

I also wonder if you feel this way because they are in laws and not your blood family. Would the reaction be the same to your parents ?

I’m completely with you, op- I’d find this unbearable. They completely ignored your boundaries in everything. I’d also feel implicitly judged as you did. Urgh.

Are they always like this or is it connected to their having been asked to help? Maybe you’d husband wasn’t clear and made it sound as if you needed help generally rather than with diy.

Either way, I wouldn’t be happy and would say you don’t want them there “helping” again.

My PIL were a lot like this,meant well but didn't know when to stop. MIL especially. We found that they're just not great in other people's homes. MIL likes to be busy and PIL liked to spread out.
We found visiting them worked better.

totally get your point OP. They are overstepping the line. I even hate my DH taking mugs from my bedside table downstairs as it is MY mess.