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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH letting 5 month old shout / call

94 replies

Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 10:45

Here is the scene setting.

Baby just turned 5 months
Me working full time but from home
DH on SPL looking after baby

DH tends to leave baby shout or call (not actually crying but shouting loudly) now and then. Basically he puts baby down and then goes off to do something. When the shouting continues and also keeps getting louder I very often come and pick up the baby. DH is annoyed saying baby needs to ‘learn’ and if DH was here alone there would be no-one to pick the baby up anyway as DH would need to finish what ever is he doing.

Me: not sure how much will a baby learn at this age from being left unattended

DH: I’m interfering and keeps repeating the line if he was here alone

Who thinks the baby will learn anything from this?

Who thinks if you have a small baby you need to accept that certain things you just will need to do in a rush or half do whilst being interrupted?

At what age do you think you can start thinking about ‘trying to teach the baby something’ such as you need to learn to wait.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 24/08/2022 10:47

I think you’re both right to a point, for instance if you had other children and a more busy household little one would have to wait so I agree it’s good not to rush to their side for everything….. however equally you want them to know you’re there for them when they need you.

SoupDragon · 24/08/2022 10:48

You need to stop interfering when your DH is looking after the baby.

the baby is not distressed.

Soubriquet · 24/08/2022 10:49

Hmmm I think if the baby isn’t distressed and just making loud noises, there’s no reason why you need to rush to attend to him.

Original poster
Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 10:49

Also:
UABU - you should let DH get on with it and if he wants to leave baby shout you should leave him to it

UANBU - at this age you should tend to your baby, it won’t learn much about waiting at this age

OP posts:
LittleBirdBlu · 24/08/2022 10:50

YABU, let your husband do it his way

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 10:51

I can see why your husband is getting annoyed. It does sound like you're interfering. Can you work in the office instead and leave him to it?

If baby is just making noise but not distressed, you don't need to keep picking him up, or he'll just learn that making noise = cuddles. So you're actually rewarding him.

Also is he supposed to be silent all the time?

fannyfan · 24/08/2022 10:51

YABU

Paq · 24/08/2022 10:51

I think working from home is not suitable when you have a small baby. Can you work from an office?

Fleur405 · 24/08/2022 10:54

My daughter is almost 6 months and definitely at the point where she’s starting to learn things - like if I do round and round the garden she knows I’m going to tickle her. So I do think they can learn and are in fact learning all the time. I agree with you in the sense that you don’t want baby to lean none one will come when they need you but if the baby isn’t crying, what’s the problem? My baby will also shout to get attention and obviously I’m coming to her as soon as I can but if the dishwasher is half empty, I’m going to finish emptying it if I can because she’s 100% fine on her playmat and unable to go anywhere.

Somethingsnappy · 24/08/2022 10:54

I wouldn't leave a baby to cry, but if he is just making loud noises, then I think it's probably OK for your dh to finish what he was doing. I'm not sure I agree with the 'he's got to learn' attitude at 5 months though. As I often read on Mumsnet, at that age a baby's wants and needs are the same thing.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 24/08/2022 10:57

A bit of both.

if DS is happy enough, then it's good for him to get a wee bit 'bored' & will spur him on to crawling etc if DH leaves him toys to play with.

if he's getting upset DH needs to at least 'pop back' to reassure DS, push a few toys closer.

immediately picking them up & entertaining them isn't good for them to develop self soothing techniques and learning to entertain themselves.

but DH shouldn't be leaving him to go & wash the car/mow the lawn etc

DH shouldn't be leaving him near your workspace if it's affecting your work.

You should be letting DH get in with it as if you were out at the office. Unless DS is clearly distressed & DH is actually properly neglecting him (as opposed to just not picking him up at the slightest noise).

it's very difficult to look after a baby when the other parent is hovering & telling you you aren't doing it their way!! It's not easy to have someone else looking after your baby (even the other parent) when they aren't doing it as you would.

there's a lot to be said for sound proofed working spaces, for ALL concerned!

Also if this is going to carry on for an indefinite period, you're going to need to 'go to work & stay there' not be bobbing in & out because it'll confuse your DS & if he knows you're there he'll want you, whereas he'll be totally fine with DH/a nanny if he doesn't see you as an option!

RoseslnTheHospital · 24/08/2022 10:57

If you're in a different room working, then I would leave your DH to it assuming the baby isn't distressed and actually crying. As others have said, sometimes you do have to leave them for a short period in order to do things you can't bring them with you for. Although having said that, I used to put my children where they could see me, using a high chair or bouncy chair with some toys, rather than leave them alone in a different room.

It would be difficult though if you are in the same room as your baby whilst they're looking for attention and you would have to be ignoring them until your DH comes. That would be weird.

110APiccadilly · 24/08/2022 10:57

I WFH while DH looks after DD some of the time - or I did, until last week when I started another maternity leave!

It will only work if you leave him to get on with looking after your child in the way he wants to. Otherwise you'll both end up perpetually frustrated with each other. How would you feel if he was constantly telling you how to look after your child?

(Obviously I'm assuming the child is being properly cared for by both parents but I don't see anything in your post to suggest otherwise.)

Original poster
Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 10:58

I think the distressed is the key word here. I don’t rush in every time there is a loud noise. But when the noise is escalating and it start to sound to me as level of distress that’s when I come in; i.e. when I start feeling distressed at the escalation in shouting (but admittedly no tears; red face though, yes 😁)

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 10:59

*when I start feeling myself

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 24/08/2022 11:00

Your DH is the baby's parent too, you need to trust him. It's ok to leave a baby alone (safely) - good for them in fact, if they're not upset.

@Paq she's not doing childcare, her DH is, it's fine that she's there. We had the same with me on maternity leave and DH WFH, and then me WFH and him on SPL. Perfectly normal.

anotherpotoftea · 24/08/2022 11:01

Depends what he’s actually doing I guess.

I voted YANBU as the only thing baby needs to learn at this age is that his needs will be met.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 24/08/2022 11:01

Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 10:58

I think the distressed is the key word here. I don’t rush in every time there is a loud noise. But when the noise is escalating and it start to sound to me as level of distress that’s when I come in; i.e. when I start feeling distressed at the escalation in shouting (but admittedly no tears; red face though, yes 😁)

We are all talking about DS being distressed, not YOU! 🤣

it's better to catch them before they start getting distressed & crying, but DH needs to work that tipping point out for himself!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/08/2022 11:03

How do You think babies learn to talk? by using their voice!

Your Baby is not distressed or crying, you need to leave your husband to parent.

It doesnt sound like working from home is suitable for you, as they get older, they get much louder.

RedHelenB · 24/08/2022 11:04

SoupDragon · 24/08/2022 10:48

You need to stop interfering when your DH is looking after the baby.

the baby is not distressed.

This.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 24/08/2022 11:05

My dh works from home and he does this constantly. Youngest is now 4 and he still comes running to intervene at every tantrum even though I have it in hand. It's driven me crazy enough to want to leave at times.

Yabu.

Singleandproud · 24/08/2022 11:05

Babies that are distressed need attention.

Babies happily entertaining themselves and finding their voice are fine to be left as long as they are somewhere safe.

If your DH is parenting your child safely he needs to be left to find his own way, stop undermining him. If you find the noise annoying you need noise cancelling headphones whilst WFH.

Original poster
Chickpea11 · 24/08/2022 11:09

DH is not neglecting the baby and I agree in general with the views that I should DH let get on whit it.

However, at times it turned out baby was actually hungry but it was being assumed that it’s just being loud.

And also agree it should be enough to just pop in and reassure the baby, push toys closer, but DH probably does that 50/50 maybe less. I’m not saying to pick up straight away but if shouting is escalating intervene?

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 24/08/2022 11:09

Sounds like the baby has discovered their voice and is experimenting with it. Let them get on with it.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 24/08/2022 11:10

YABU baby is just being vocal, and if you were in the offie you wouldn't be going in to pick baby up. You wre undermining your DH, he is looking after the baby and the baby isn't in distress, you need to either stay out the way if WFH or go back into the office

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