DH letting 5 month old shout / call

[Chickpea11]

Here is the scene setting.

Baby just turned 5 months
Me working full time but from home
DH on SPL looking after baby

DH tends to leave baby shout or call (not actually crying but shouting loudly) now and then. Basically he puts baby down and then goes off to do something. When the shouting continues and also keeps getting louder I very often come and pick up the baby. DH is annoyed saying baby needs to ‘learn’ and if DH was here alone there would be no-one to pick the baby up anyway as DH would need to finish what ever is he doing.

Me: not sure how much will a baby learn at this age from being left unattended

DH: I’m interfering and keeps repeating the line if he was here alone

Who thinks the baby will learn anything from this?

Who thinks if you have a small baby you need to accept that certain things you just will need to do in a rush or half do whilst being interrupted?

At what age do you think you can start thinking about ‘trying to teach the baby something’ such as you need to learn to wait.

Serious question. How many parents leave their babies shout and let them escalate the shouting (emphasise yet again escalate) whilst they watch TV themselves (This one is not about my DH now).

Genuinely curious.
They don’t pass them a toy to play with, they don’t check why the shouting is escalating, they just continue watching the TV (probably not being able to hear properly anyways through the shouting).

Are there many?

I would because i probably know why they are shouting if i am looking after them. To be honest at that age i would have probably plonked DD back on a play mat on the floor with some toys instead of holding her.

If she wasn't crying or upset then leave them to it

How much longer is DH on leave for? You have different parenting styles and it's so hard to wfh with the baby there.

Is your dh generally playing with the baby and taking them out? Is it one point in the day when he's expecting to do chores or have downtime?

No, I wouldn't like it either if I felt my baby was escalating for attention and nobody was responding - ok for one hour of the day, not ok if it's multiple times per day.

Ha I am on mat leave and just finished bingeing Hart of Dixie

Tbh god only knows the noises DH hears when WFH! He wisely stays out of it unless it sounds like someone is being murdered then he offers assistance But yes, sometimes one or other child (or both) is shouting or annoyed while I finish doing something or make myself some food or a cup of tea 🤷‍♀️ But I wouldn't get anything done otherwise. I'd be annoyed if DH appeared to make helpful remarks for 5 mins and then pissed off back to his office with closed door and no kids screaming at him.

The baby is not crying? He isn't distressed just shouting like most 5 months old do.

Also why do you keep referring to your child as an it? Wtf

Lol my daughter used to shout and bawl at me when she was that age. Not unhappy, not needing anything. Just experimenting with her new found voice. I remember taking her out to the garden in her bouncy chair to put the washing out and the neighbours laughing because she was shouting to me and clearly really believed she was talking. Ah I miss those days 💔

now she’s 7 and actually does shout at me 😂

But why, when he is the one looking after the baby, should your way precedence?

Seriously, you are interfering with his parenting and undermining him, you need to stop this.

What do your workplaces think about this? You’re paid to be working but seem to spend half your time parenting, and he’s paid to be parenting leave but seems to spend half of his time not parenting as you’re trying to do it for him.

There’s a real lack of trust that you have in him as a parent, which is weird because presumably you decided he’d be a good one when you both decided to have a child together. He needs to learn what you already know, and he can’t do that if you keep interfering. It must be driving him bananas.

(And yes, everyone I know with a baby has watched not-kids TV with said baby yelling in their arms.)

If it was the father working from home, the mother would be doing everything in her power to keep the baby quiet, but no, it mustn't be expected of a revered man, must it?🙄

You shouldn't do everything possible to keep a baby quiet. I certainly didn't. They're learning to communicate.

Can you please start your own thread to discuss your issues?

I actually don’t think that is true, nor should it be anything to aim for. OP is working in their home, he isn’t looking after the baby in her office. If normal domestic life is too loud and distracting for OP she should go into an office.
A baby will make noise, sometimes it will cry, sometimes shout. It’s just part of life.

You’re at work, he’s parenting, baby not distressed.

You’re being unreasonable.

DH works from home a lot of the time and we behave no differently whether he's here or not! If it's too loud for him he can go to the office 🤷‍♀️ but he accepts that he is working in the family home with two young kids present.

Also I WFH in the evenings when I'm not on mat leave and also accept there will be noise while he's doing bedtime etc. Unless it sounds like the apocalypse I leave them to it.

I saw one thread on this and the DH was roundly recommended to get back to the office and that the home was for his children, not for him. So don’t worry, your imagined scenario is just that.

No, don’t intervene. Your DC and DH need to establish their own communication patterns. Your DH needs to learn when louder noises tip over into distressed sounding calls, so he can respond to them. Your DH is never going to learn this if you constantly intervene.

Your DC also needs to learn that his calls can and will bring his dad to him at a certain point. This builds a trust bond between your DC and DH…which if you keep inserting yourself into won’t happen.

In addition, you are inadvertently teaching the DC if he wants YOU and not dad, he need only to shout that much louder. And at 5mos old they know the difference between mum and dad and will express a preference if offered a choice. They also are clued in enough to understand that doing x will bring me mum or bring me dad. They also are quite good mimics and will have undoubtedly noticed you calling loudly to each other in the house even though they do not have language/words yet.

You may be encouraging the loud calls because the DC now thinks that’s how I get the mum when dad is busy.

YABU your dh is doing just fine! Babies make noise. I cared for both of mine with 0 help, when I had my second I had to leave one of them to shout, moan or even cry sometimes as I had to finish what I was doing with the other.
If your baby is safe then there’s no harm in what your DH is doing.
I also find it odd that you are referring to your child as it?

Yes, same here, DS1 was 2 when i had DD, i had to leave her shouting for a while several times while we were doing potty training 😂
Also we would never eat a single meal if i pick my kids up everytime they are calling.

Of course it is different if the baby starts really to cry and is distressed.

YABU. Leave your DH to parent in his own way and concentrate on what you’re supposed to be doing i.e. working.

Also, appreciate it isn’t relevant, but why all the “baby” and “it” references, when one of your posts indicates your DC is a “him”? Just say him! Grrrrr

This advice is spot on (and I say that as a mum who found (and still finds) it really difficult to ‘let go’ and just leave my husband to take his own approach to parenting our little one).

Ok, I’m going to give this one away as well, sometime DH is actually holding the baby but DH is watching TV (not kids TV) and baby is shouting in his arms.

So the baby is a shouter anyway then.

In that case YABU to go in and intervene when the baby is shouting or crying knowing that they’re not distressed.

I ran to my baby the second she made a noise and if I could go back I would definitely be more like your DH as she turned into a very clingy child.

How long is DH leaving him?

10 minutes whilst he’s making dinner is a lot different to 2 hours watching TV.

Are you concerned for your child or is it distracting you from wfh that’s the problem?

So I have a 5mo...

I think this really depends on two things:

1. How often and for how long DH leaves baby to their own devices (by this I mean baby is left to entertain themselves with the odd cursory glance). I do think babies need time to play and explore independently, but they also need stimulation and interaction, especially from their primary caregivers. It's about balance, and if I felt DP was ignoring our baby for long periods I would be miffed. I agree with what PP said about babies wants/needs being the same, and a call or cry for attention (if that's what it is) shouldn't be ignored IMO. At that age their brains are no way near developed enough to understand that Mummy and Daddy aren't responding because they're trying to teach them a lesson in independence, they simply learn to stop calling or crying because they learn that Mummy and Daddy don't respond (which to me is a bad thing).

1. The noises that DC is making. My 5mo is almost constantly making noises, some of which sounded alarming at first but we quickly realised was just him practising his voice. You know your baby though, and if you think these noises are signalling an impending meltdown then I can see why you would intervene as IME meltdowns don't get any better by ignoring them.

Yes, of course you do.

They're in your arms or within easy reach of a few steps (unless you've dropped them off in the West Wing whilst you're in the Orangery), they're safe, they're not crying, they're just making noise because that's what babies like doing.

Why would you want to shut them up by distracting them from an important physiological learning process every single time it happens? They're fine, you get to learn when they are self settling or needing something other than the satisfaction and pleasure of making noise, they get to learn how to talk.