DH letting 5 month old shout / call

[Chickpea11]

Here is the scene setting.

Baby just turned 5 months
Me working full time but from home
DH on SPL looking after baby

DH tends to leave baby shout or call (not actually crying but shouting loudly) now and then. Basically he puts baby down and then goes off to do something. When the shouting continues and also keeps getting louder I very often come and pick up the baby. DH is annoyed saying baby needs to ‘learn’ and if DH was here alone there would be no-one to pick the baby up anyway as DH would need to finish what ever is he doing.

Me: not sure how much will a baby learn at this age from being left unattended

DH: I’m interfering and keeps repeating the line if he was here alone

Who thinks the baby will learn anything from this?

Who thinks if you have a small baby you need to accept that certain things you just will need to do in a rush or half do whilst being interrupted?

At what age do you think you can start thinking about ‘trying to teach the baby something’ such as you need to learn to wait.

I spent yesterday sitting on the floor folding a huge basket of laundry while my 4 month old sat shouting away in her bouncer chair next to me. We were both watching an episode of Real Housewives...

I was multitasking, baby likes to shout, everyone was happy enough.

I couldn't do the laundry later as I then had to collect DD1 from nursery and she definitely requires a lot more attention.

That doesn't make your DH (or me) a bad parent.
He isn't ignoring the baby for hours on end while she screams blue murder. Some babies at this age especially love to hear their own voice! DD2 spent 20 mins "chatting" (shouting) at a cuddle George pig this morning.

I think you need to let your DH parent as you would expect him to allow you to, without interfering

@dworky no actually. And if they do they must be exhausted from doing that!

When DH worked from home during lockdown, if he had an important call, he would time it around a nap or when I could take her out for a walk.
If not, he would start the call with "just to let you know we have a 4 month old baby, so apologies if there's any background noise"

Thanks for all the opinions.

I’m actually more in the don’t make your child clingy camp, as well as I think the early years are important in terms of development (I.e. stimulate them enough to keep the brain growing but also give them plenty of room to self explore).

Appreciate that from a relatively short post it is hard to judge how much constant interference and undermining is actually happening (and most likely me and DH would have different views). It’s not an every day thing, but enough to bother my husband, which I don’t want.

When ever I do ‘interfere’ it’s always thinking about what would be best for the baby’s development - not saying that I’m always right. Which is why I was interested to know what people do with their babies up to 5 months of age.

On a side note, interesting how some people feel quite strongly about watching TV and are worried about my performance at work.

I wil go against the grain and hold my hand up to say I am further along the spectum towards attachment parenting than many respondants on this thread.

My babies are teenagers and I still respond to them when they express their needs even if I cannot understand what they mean. I do not claim to be the perfect parent and am far from it but I do believe that babies benefit from interaction more than they benefit from learning things alone.

I do not believe that babies need to learn to be alone at 5 months. They benefit from interaction.

it's also hard to judge exactly how much alone time your DH is having from your posts @Chickpea11 - if he's ignoring the baby for big chunks of the day that would be pretty concerning. If he's doing chores once a day for a short window, not so much.

@greywinds as you suggested a lot of it will be parenting style. I’m very much of the view that a 5 month old benefits from interaction when appears to be asking for attention repeatedly (or for that matter was asking for food on multiple occasions as we have learnt 😁)

DH more in the learn to wait camp (accompanied by if I was here alone, if there was another child - my point is, agreed, but that is not the scenario) But I do agree that a child should learn how to self entertain and wait, but the way how it’s done now doesn’t look like it’s working, in my view because of age.

So I step in (not every day) when shouting continues escalating, not at every shout or whimper. I do that because I’m here and I can, as in my view this also gives DH room to finish what ever he is doing.

Anyways, as said, was interested to hear what approaches people take with their up to 5 months old babies.

@Chickpea11 it certainly won't be the last parenting disagreement you'll have! It's always a negotiation.

Btw I tend to agree that a 5 month old can't wait significant amounts of time and that needs must isn't always the ideal standard.

Sometimes it's good to have two parenting styles, you're two people after all. I'm much softer than my DH but we agree and back each other on the key things (having learned the hard way!).

At five months babies already know a lot and can learn a lot. For parents’ sanity one of the things they need to learn is bed time (and nap time).

I’d say crying babies need to be seen to pretty quickly (like after 5 minutes, waiting a bit just in case they settle themselves) but shouting babies can be left. And I can certainly understand your husband’s irritation as long as you are both agreed that if it actually escalates to real crying one of you will see to him.

@greywinds yep, I’m sure you are right with the first paragraph and agreed with the last.

Your baby has very limited ways of communicating with you and your partner, to shout or not to shout. Ignoring him until he’s distressed teaches him that he needs to make a lot of noise to be heard.
Later on, when your partner is looking after your toddler or small child and asks why does he whinge constantly you can tell him that is due to his early training!
of course there is a line between jumping to attention at every squawk and giving it a few minutes to see if attention is needed. The French call it ‘Le pause.’
If your partner’s friend is talking to him, how many times would they have to say his name before he answered? 22? Why is it different with his child?

I think this pretty much summarises where I’m coming from. Maybe that’s not how it necessarily works but that’s what my instinct is telling me.

I live in France and have a totoally diffferent take on 'le pause'... but yeah.. if your DH's attitude is to toughen your 5 month old up so he fights for what he needs rather than developping attachments and emotional stability.. he is on the right track.

@ChateauMargaux can you explain your take on it? Genuinely interested

I would hate this level of interference and superiority. You come across as sure you know best. Genuine question- do you believe mothers always know best?

you say yourself the child is not neglected. You also say the child isn’t crying or distressed. But it’s not enough for you, is it?

you have to dress up getting involved as “helping” your husband. If you are going to interfere, prove how much better you are at this than him, then at least own it. Don’t jazz it up pretending you are “freeing” your husband up to finish what he was doing.

This also expresses my concern rather well. I would like our child to grow up to be a confident and emotionally stable individual. Which is why when I hear what I consider increasingly escalating calls that are unanswered I go and answer them.

Or we are going to raise a little Donald Trump. Ok - exaggerating of course but liked how the poster put it ‘toughening up, fight for what you need’. Although, I guess, he pretty much got most things he wanted in his life, give him that 😂.

Genuine comment. I can’t quite tell if the posters are saying they feel that for a 5 month old baby or younger (the age is key) not tending to them as soon as possible, in ideal world (not talking about limitations such as other children around etc.) when their shouting and calling continues escalating (continues escalating key again) is beneficial to those babies’ development. Or people got a little too focused on the ‘interfere’ and got a bit wound up.

@Immaterialatthispoint i don’t think mothers always know best. You get mothers who abuse their children and also well meaning mothers who want the best for their child but actually it might not be the best thing for said child. In my view the same applies for fathers.

You seem way too invested in this. If OP was that sure she knew best, she wouldn't be canvassing opinion on here would she?

@Chickpea11 I think this boils down to different parenting styles. I identify more with your approach and thinking i.e. a responsive parent builds a secure attachment, which in turn paves the way for independence (paraphrasing but plenty online about this). Your partner obviously thinks he's teaching baby a lesson by not responding.

This is going to come up many more times as your child grows up, so I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with DP about what is important to you as a parent and what you think good parenting looks like.

Maybe discuss a few examples... What is your stance on sleep training? How would you deal with a tantrumming toddler?

You don't have to follow exactly the same approach but there are probably some fundamentals you need to align on.

@Calphurnia88 agree with the comments about parenting styles (as also some other posters suggested).

Also a good advice to discuss now what do we think about any future parenting approaches and agree on overall general approach. Funny enough from previous conversations my husband was the one who would be more inclined to bribe with sweets etc whereas I’m more of the idea that once they are able to comprehend the world around them children should learn that they can’t have everything.

@fannyfan It's just a personal observation and obviously a vaste generalisation, but I see parents ignoring their children and anything going on around them, sometimes telling them off when they are hurt, there is a tendency in schools to let kids sort their own dramas out in the playground rather than teaching them skills, parents are not encouraged to stand up for their children and I have seen parents call the police on their teens because they 'needed to learn'.