for not wanting to be Legal Guardian to my friend's son? *MNHQ title edit as per request*

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I have debated on writing this as I feel like an awful person.

And this is long, sorry.

Firstly, we are not in the UK. We live in a country that has no real social housing/help.

Friend's son is 17. He is ADHD, ASD and has various other issues, dyspraxia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and so on. He plays PC games all day while his mum works. He's a very sweet boy and will do some chores around the house if he is reminded, but is mentally around 7-9, I would say.

They live in a cottage on our property. We barely charge them rent, and despite having a good job, Friend is struggling financially. Son also has to have a fully cooked meal, meat and veg, every night.

I love him, have known him since he was 3 years old, but I don't want to be legally responsible for him if something happens to Friend. Friend has struggled with depression and self harming her whole life and drinks a lot (I do too, so no judgement, just background). She will go through periods where she seriously considers suicide. This is why they now live on our property, so that there is someone around in case things go bad.

She separated from his dad when he was around 6 I think. His dad was in the picture, but never really learned how to deal with the meltdowns and as Son got older and bigger and more aggressive, his dad became aggressive too, until he headbutted Son and gave him a bloody nose. So now they have a restraining order against him. She has no family that can help. Actually, she has a brother and sister but isn't close to either and neither of them is financially well off.

She has not put any money aside for his future. He will not be able to hold a job down. He can't tell time or set an alarm clock.

I know I am a horrible person, but I do judge her a little bit for her choices. I can't help it. She was in a relationship with a very wealthy man for about 5 years. He paid for her to be a SAHM and she didn't put a penny away for the future, just lived it up in the moment. Didn't have a care in the world. And now she's stuck.

I look forward to when my own DC are grown up and leading their own independent lives. We are coming out of a terrible 6 years, where I am now physically disabled and my own son is paralyzed due to a car accident we were in. We are not a high income household, because I can't do the job I did previously, but we are putting money aside for our retirements. We did get a compensation payout since the accident was 100% not my fault, but this money is for our own son to be able to live independently one day. We live frugally and go without luxuries.

I know we are lucky to have only physical disabilities, although that makes life hard enough.

I lie awake at night and worry that we will have to look after her Son for the rest of our lives and we will have to fund it too. I have mentioned this to her and she just said that there is no-one else, so we are it. I think she thinks that since we have 'extra' money, this will not be a problem for us.

Am I horrible for feeling this way?

If God forbid the worst happens, get in touch with the Foreign Office. The son will be a vulnerable British citizen stuck on his own in a foreign country with no ability to support himself. They can help repatriate him and put him in contact with social services, charities, emergency accomodation etc at home. They will expect him to pay for his flights, including from any funds his mum leaves him or by asking family and friends to lend the money so be prepared that you or his estranged father may be asked, but there are emergency loans available via FCDO if there is genuinely nobody to pay. At least if he's moved he will be in a country with a better social security safety net than where you are now.

I agree with others and your recent post OP

He has a dad as NOK if mum wasn't around
He has an auntie and uncle on his mums side that live in same country

You are not the "only option", whether your friend likes it or not, his actual family are hen options
I wouldn't even suggest packing him off to UK - that's for his own family to decide how they manage if his mum dies.

Your friend, his Mum is manipulative and has taken advantage of your good will.
Just say no, I cannot take on legal guardianship of your son we have our own disabled child to care for and my poor health.

She hasn't planned at all for her or his future and that's one of the first plans good parents of disabled children do

You've had a shocking time.

You could also be renting out that cottage for good money - to also help with your retirement and your paralysed son's comfort and future with his new family.
He won't want to be responsible either for this boy, as you won't have forever either .

You've helped your friend a lot but now it's time - as she's overly dependent on you and trying to force you into being forever more responsible- to say this was short term to help you out, it's gone on for years but is time to review it now and for you to find for yourselves somewhere to live and to make your plans for your sons future. We cannot assist.

(If your friend lived somewhere more expensive maybe she couldn't afford to drink so much OP )

I misunderstood your first post and thought the Dad was actually in the UK...
He lives round the corner??

The son will be a vulnerable British citizen stuck on his own in a foreign country with no ability to support himself.

will he though if he has a second citisenship of the country where he currently lives?

And his Dad lives around the corner...